Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I just joined this support group. My issue has been my step son. He has a very bad temper. He moved in with his father and me when he was 14. We have two other children. We tried to get him help for his temper. While he was with his mother she allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do and whenever he wanted to do it. She also never disciplined him. When he moved in with us, he was told that he would have to follow our rules.
When he was 16, he got into a few fights at school which got him in trouble and put on probation. About two weeks after he got put on probation he hit his father for no other reason but he was mad at his younger brother. At that point he got sent to a juvenile facility. He spent 9 months in there. He did really well until the summer before his senior year. He got upset with me for not letting him do something and he hit his father again and his father got sent to the hospital. He got charged as an adult for domestic abuse. He spent a year on probation and was released early because of good behavior and he was going to college. That was June of last year.
He came home for Christmas vacation. He kept getting mad for little things. When he would get mad he would hit the walls or whatever was close by. On the second of January, he got angry and hit the door to his room. I asked for him to pay for it. At that point he pushed me and I fell and hit my head. I got up and left the room, he followed me out of the room and hit me in the chest. I then moved to go to the phone and call for help and he hit me in the face. In the middle of all of this my 16 year old daughter smacked him to get him away from me. He hit her. He has been arrested and is still sitting in jail. His dad is not wanting him back at the house with us. I feel bad for him and I still want to see him succeed in what he wants to do. Am I wrong to feel that way? Should my husband give in and let him back in the house?
When he was 16, he got into a few fights at school which got him in trouble and put on probation. About two weeks after he got put on probation he hit his father for no other reason but he was mad at his younger brother. At that point he got sent to a juvenile facility. He spent 9 months in there. He did really well until the summer before his senior year. He got upset with me for not letting him do something and he hit his father again and his father got sent to the hospital. He got charged as an adult for domestic abuse. He spent a year on probation and was released early because of good behavior and he was going to college. That was June of last year.
He came home for Christmas vacation. He kept getting mad for little things. When he would get mad he would hit the walls or whatever was close by. On the second of January, he got angry and hit the door to his room. I asked for him to pay for it. At that point he pushed me and I fell and hit my head. I got up and left the room, he followed me out of the room and hit me in the chest. I then moved to go to the phone and call for help and he hit me in the face. In the middle of all of this my 16 year old daughter smacked him to get him away from me. He hit her. He has been arrested and is still sitting in jail. His dad is not wanting him back at the house with us. I feel bad for him and I still want to see him succeed in what he wants to do. Am I wrong to feel that way? Should my husband give in and let him back in the house?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
That doesn't mean it's going to be good for anyone if he moves back in , if the dynamic doesn't change.
In my opinion his angry feelings that he was entitled to, as ALL of us are entitled to our feelings, were never dealt with in the proper way. He was more than likely invalidated and obviously chooses very immature and archaic ways of dealing with his angst.
What you have is a little boys anger and frustration in a grown man's body. NOT a good combination.
It doesn't sound like you or your husband are equipped to deal with this. I would hope that your Step son will get help to deal with his issues and learn to view things from a healthy perspective.
A loving no shaming non judgmental talk with your husband would be a great start, but things probably wouldn't be the way they are now if your husband had been able to provide that in the first place.
If you are the compassionate one, though I must say confronting an upset person with talk of paying for the damage they caused to monetary things, shows that both of you went to places where we as humans put our own feelings , wants and desires first, before being concerned about the out of control person... but that is in the past and moving forward it would probably be best for the boy to be with people who motivate without shame and guilt. Someone who truly wants for the boy what he wants for himself. I think as a Father, your husband would be doing a good thing to pay for some therapy and anger management for his son.
Has he seen a psychiatrist?... I think he should be medically evaluated on all levels.... Has he ever had a head injury?... Is he now acting out because he didn't have boundaries in the past?...Is he abusing substances?... What's happening hormonally?...etc
He needs a lot of help and I would try and find it if you're able to before he ends up doing penn time.... This can hopefully be turned around with the right help
Welcome!!... DS is a really great site!...x
Often people think of an anger/ frustration situation like a tug of war. As though there's only the option of making one person back down or another.
In truth, there are always many other options. Therapy can help you explore and practice those choices.
For now, him coming back is going right back into the fire. If he hits you again, that's not going to help him. Additionally you have a girl that you NEED to protect.
This is what I told my kids about feelings.
It's perfectly natural for them to have feelings of love, hate, anger, indifference, and annoyance...all in the space of 5 minutes about his dad, his dad's girlfriend, and me.
That growing up is learning how to take a breath and figure out another way to deal with things when they're not going your way. (It's easy when things are the way we want them.) My kids were much younger than your son when we first had this conversation...they were 5 and 7.
My parenting focus then, was to help them learn and practice different ways to cope.
Just my opinion, but I think that many parents are wrong when they try to make kids "face the music", "take responsibility" or otherwise deal with the consequences of their actions immediately. I think it's much better to come back when they're calm and teach them how to make amends.
For example. The kids putting holes in the walls. So it's the perfect time to learn how to fix a wall. I can't do it myself, but I could find a carpenter that I could pay to teach him.
One. He'd fix the wall himself. Two, he'd learn that it's annoying to fix a wall, And Three, he'd learn a skill.
***Note, I dealt with severe behavioral issues, although my son was much younger. My son got suspended from kindergarten...and it wasn't for controlling himself. I didn't learn how to deal with my kids the easy way.***
But he's past that level of intervention, because he's actually hit you hard enough to call the police, and he's done it repeatedly.
So the next stage is to take him out of that situation. For whatever reason Home, has proven to be too stressful.
If you want a my guess of why he's angry at his brother and sister...it's because they escaped the life he's living. They're the chosen kids, and he's the black sheep. It's what I would think. They're an in-his-face example of what he could have been but isn't. He got dealt a hard life...there's no doubt about that. It took me four solid years of building my son up to get over kindergarten. I imagine that it will take at least four years for your son to get over this.
But it IS doable.
What he needs most, is someone to believe in him. And he needs to be kept as much as is possible, from situations that are over his head. I don't know how much luck you'll have with that. It would be best if he stayed out of romantic relationships and away from drugs and alcohol. And it would be great if he stayed in school. And great if he stayed in daily or weekly contact (as long as it's positive)...a therapist could guild you much better than I could.
Your son is probably feeling like crap. Your job isn't to "fix" that, but instead to help HIM learn to fix that. I'm atheist, but to borrow a story from the Bible, he's the lost sheep, and it's worth it to go after him. And I'd be telling him that (without the biblical reference) every single day.
And he'd still be out of the house.
I thought that he would think that the younger kids are treated better but we do not have a lot of money so they get hand me downs and really cheap things. My younger kids have never been to a lot of things that he has. His father parents have always treated him like he was an only grandchild and taken him place and got him things that were new. I get depressed thinking that he is going down a road that is really hard for him. His grandparent would bail him out but His father and mother both said that he needs to stay there to learn a lesson. I am not sure what lesson he is to learn but that is what they are doing. Well and none of us can afford to get him out. I have talked to the counselors where he goes to college and they said that he can make an appointment to come and talk to him about his anger issues and try to help him fix the problem.
It's not about money, it's about...their mom was there, and his wasn't...
But that's just my guess. And I could be completely wrong (I've been wrong many, many times). To a large extent the why doesn't matter, and learning coping skills does. I get the no money...I was there when my son was little. All adds to the stress.
He made the choice though because she was going from guy to guy and he did not like it. She moved him 10 times in less than a year. He wanted some place that he was going to stay for a while. Yes, after he was with us for 6 months we moved but, it was to a bigger house and a school district that was smaller that the kids did not get lost in. He is a very smart guy, he just needs to believe in himself.
As for you, it's very kind of you to want to help him. However, it's not your position.
This MAN is a criminal. He's hitting men AND women. He's been in the court system multiple times.
I think he's just like a Dr. Phil show... maybe you should contact them. He'd probably be recommended to go to a place like the PNP, which does a full medical and psychological workup, checking for brain and hormone issues, mental health issues... a full team to get him proper dxes and treatments.
You mention where to send him... sounds like you'd be willing to pay for it??? I'd start with the PNP center and work from there.
Hugs.
I think it's important though to rule out other problems medically first though.. There is a lot of help to be had... It's understandable that he's angry if he feels alone in the family... He's thinking from the stance of a young kid so whether you consider him separate from the rest of the family doesn't matter 'if he' feels the separation
The bottom line is you're in over your head. I would tell him in the most loving way possible that you want to help him, but as soon as you feel any of your civil rights are about to be broken. you will call for police back up. If he flies off the handle in spite of that, then you'll know you are dealing with serious mental health issues.
On the second was not the first time that he hit me. I tried to help him with his counseling by taking him and sitting there with him. I did not tell his father because I felt that there was a problem that he needed to talk about. All he ever talked about was his hate and disappointment in his mother. While he was in the juvenile detention center she went to see him and told him that it was his fault that his little sister is trying to commit suicide and trying to kill her. At that point his father made it where she had to ask to see him. She never contacted him again until the day that he graduated from high school. When he got arrested when he was 18 for hitting his father, it was the hospital that called the police. On the second I probably would not have if he would have stopped at just pushing me but, he came after me two more times and hit a minor. He has told me that he is sorry but he says that he is mad that no one is getting him out of trouble. I am sorry, he is almost 20 and he needs to learn that he can not just start hitting people when he gets mad.
I've seen a similar situation in my own family. My nephew's son had similar experiences in the home of his Father and step mother. His Father is my beloved nephew, but I didn't agree on the family dynamic. My Nephew's new wife was big on the discipline at their home, my great nephew started displaying huge anger issues. Like your situation, my nephew and his new wife blamed it all on the boy's mother.. her over permissiveness ...etc.. counseling helped him and he is now doing well in his life.
It doesn't matter HOW your step son got this way... I hope everyone will focus on getting him help so he can realize that he is in charge of his own life and though he might have been dealt a crappy hand, he is able to turn his life around for himself and himself alone.
Maybe mom is to blame, who knows? I know that when my son was hitting, kicking, spitting in kindergarten...that I made my fair share of mistakes. The school sure didn't help either. Their Smiley Face chart pushed my son over the edge. (Long story) The experience changed my views on behavior. The long and short of which is that it's a whole lot more complex that it seems, and much of what we (me and the school) tried to do to make it better...made it worse.
I had to learn to forgive myself.
I also had to break some stereotypes.
My son's the one that always got into trouble.
My daughter is the one that's never in trouble. She also lies as easy as she breathes, and can turn on and off the charm far better than a sociopath. She's literally a dream to parent, wants to go to college and major in math.
My parenting philosophy now is minimal limits, but the ones that I have are rock solid.
But it's far beyond that. Somewhere along the way I heard this, and it's stuck with me, and proven true for my kids "When we Feel Better, We Act better".
Since then, my focus is on smaller, shorter consequences. Talk less. Talk less. Talk less. Listen more. Distraction. Diversion. Avoid a situation that I predict will cause trouble.
My kids didn't learn to potty train because I beat them. Nor even because I put them in time out. Nor even for the small prizes they got. They did it because they matured...and wanted to please me.
SOO much of parenting is waiting for the kid to simply mature...and then want to do it. Too much intervention to early (even reward charts) ...left my son feeling constantly manipulated.
The temptation is to blame it on the other parent...but even if it's TRUE...that backfires.
So he wants out of trouble (sounds appropriate), feels sorry (sounds also appropriate)...you may not know it, but you're more than half way there.
Honestly I wouldn't bail him out. Nor would I really talk to him about it. He knows the position he's in. Reminding him is more rubbing it in than anything else. Still...he crossed a major boundary...Don't hit anyone hard enough to hurt them. Period. He's not two years old or autistic...he knew it was hard enough to hurt. No one gets a pass because they didn't intend it. If I run you over with my car...I'm in trouble.
Silence is your friend here. He needs you more than you need him. A little begging doesn't hurt. Silence helps more. Just stay silent until he starts making changes. Let HIM drive this. Once you lay down a "boundary" or rule, he'll be looking for ways around it.
And always, always, always you love him. You love him and know he loves you. That's Never in play as a punishment. It's Never appropriate to withdrawal love to get behavior changes.
If he wants to come home. Okay he can want it. You're "not sure". "I'm not convinced yet." If he thinks you're a blankety-blank....that's fine. Don't react. You love him and know he loves you. And you're not sure yet.
He's 18, he can find a place to sleep. At a friends, on the streets, or in a shelter. Let him feel the pain of his actions. You're "not sure".
That's how I'd handle it anyway.
At some point I'd give him a chance to fix the door. But he'd have to earn the right to do that.
My ex's girlfriends son robbed a girl scout troop (I never learned the full story). My kids came home telling all about it (because they were told not to tell me). They were full of condemnation.
I refused to let them think that way. I told them that everyone makes mistakes, talked about why someone would choose to do something stupid, and ways to stop it before it got to that point.
Then I played Great Filling Station Holdup by Jimmy Buffett and told my kids that it could turn into a great story one day...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0YPlflMv8A