I mean maybe he's not trying to bring them up in a spiteful way. Maybe he's bringing them up bc certain behavioral traits can be hereditary. So maybe its not "your fault" but it may have been something passed down from you. Regardless, I'd just explain to him that you understand that she may have them same issues as you did when you were a kid but the main focus here is to help HER. Its all about HER right now and he needs to be interested in helping her bc she needs it before things get any worse.

Exactly my point I couldn't agree more. Of course we all have behavioral traits. I've come a long way, healed mind and body, and like you said it's not productive. What is important is to focus on HER, and that is where we need to put our energy.

I think our perception is what is real to us..... It's important that he NOT blame but that he does have his say if this is to help both of you

Yes it's one thing to have his say, and he should be entitled to that. However yes it's not right to blame me. All that does is create a wedge. It also does nothing to help my daughter at all.

If you are going to work on a family therapy together the therapist will know how to help direct the therapy in order to help you both..... xo

I sure hope so SunCloud.

Well...now it's become about trying to force me to go to the big family gathering coming up. I have explained that I do not want to put myself in harms way, and that he'll have to go alone. Lots of yelling, screaming, pushing, and bullying to try to get his way, but I stand firm. No I will not go and be subjected to harm emotionally at the hands of my daughter. Not even for my husband.

a counselor is going to want background, a counselor doesn't know you, your daughter or your husband so a counselor will want to understand the three of you
it is not about blame

being in a home with yelling, screaming, pushing, is not good for children...or anyone else for that matter

I will tell them what they want to know. I agree no this is not about blame, there is plenty for all to share but that is not productive.

If it's a 'family' gathering it sounds like a lot of family is going.... If you don't want to go but your husband does then what I would do to be fair is encourage him to go and to have a nice time

He can just say that you weren't up to coming which is true

Right exactly, just say I wasn't up to coming, go and have fun! I did try to reach out to my daughter btw. We had had in incident in which I could have sworn she was telling me I wasn't welcome in her home for my younger daughter's baby shower. It was based on some very nasty emails, and something about, "This is my home." I don't recall the exact wording but I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Anyway I tried apologizing, and she has said that unless I admit to DELIBERATELY lying to get between her and her sister I can stuff my apology. Well the deal is in my mind I'm not lying, and I simply can't say what she wants just to please her. She was not in my mind, she is not the amazing Kreskin, and she simply can't know what was in my mind. Only I know that, and I've already said it was a misunderstanding. So the impasse remains.