Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I'm 30 and my husband and I have tried for 8 years to get pregnant. Finally got pregnant and shared when I was 12 weeks with my family. My mother was very excited (1st grandchild) and was all about it.
About a month ago she called me to go maternity clothes shopping which I agreed to...not really looking forward to as we don't have the best relationship, but I always try to make it better and this was a one on one chance. Her mother died when she was 14 and I could tell when I was that age that something changed in her relationship with me.
Anyways I show up and my baby brother and his wife were there. Mom said that SIL was going to go with us and before we left SIL announced she was expecting after 6 months of marriage and 1 miscarriage already (she got pregnant on honeymoon). I was happy for them, but it seems as though my brother always has to one up me..on everything. Also, my brother will be deployed when his baby is born. They also sold their house this week, and I'm pretty sure SIL will be living with my parents. I have not really talked to my family much. As it always seems like I have to be the first one to make contact, so I'm trying to wait for them. That's not going so good. My mom hasn't called to see how I am...I'm guessing she's too busy planning a going away party for my brother this weekend...does anyone else think it's interesting that she doesn't call to see how I'm doing???
Yes, I'm a pretty private person and don't like to bother people. I am not one to call her and complain about my pregnancy or anything...she has made me very independent, but I would still think as my mother she would be thinking of me...wondering how I am...just a text would be nice...feeling like my brother's wife/baby is more important at this time...
About a month ago she called me to go maternity clothes shopping which I agreed to...not really looking forward to as we don't have the best relationship, but I always try to make it better and this was a one on one chance. Her mother died when she was 14 and I could tell when I was that age that something changed in her relationship with me.
Anyways I show up and my baby brother and his wife were there. Mom said that SIL was going to go with us and before we left SIL announced she was expecting after 6 months of marriage and 1 miscarriage already (she got pregnant on honeymoon). I was happy for them, but it seems as though my brother always has to one up me..on everything. Also, my brother will be deployed when his baby is born. They also sold their house this week, and I'm pretty sure SIL will be living with my parents. I have not really talked to my family much. As it always seems like I have to be the first one to make contact, so I'm trying to wait for them. That's not going so good. My mom hasn't called to see how I am...I'm guessing she's too busy planning a going away party for my brother this weekend...does anyone else think it's interesting that she doesn't call to see how I'm doing???
Yes, I'm a pretty private person and don't like to bother people. I am not one to call her and complain about my pregnancy or anything...she has made me very independent, but I would still think as my mother she would be thinking of me...wondering how I am...just a text would be nice...feeling like my brother's wife/baby is more important at this time...
I would advise not to bring on any unnecessary stress; you and baby come first; and of course hubby... I think your mother is a bit more worried about your SIL where your brother will be deployed. I don't think it's a personal offense to you. If you want to, give your mother a call and let her know how your feeling and what's going on with you. I know it's hurtful for them to not check on you but I think you'll be in a better frame of mind if you give the first call. I had to call my mother all the time... all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She called my sister constantly. It used to get me upset. Now, there's too many other things in life to be happy about.. Right now, for you; it's your baby.
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd try not to compare... otherwise, the green eyed monster will get you every time.
Just try to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. It's a magical time!
What you need to do is think about your relationship with your SIL. Do you want to be close with her and have the kids be close? If so you should talk to her about it. Form a relationship separate from your mom. If you don't want to that is OK too. Just make a decision so you know where you stand.
This is also a good time to let the past go. Stop comparing yourself to your brother. I bet there are things about you that he resents. That's normal with siblings, we all think our brothers and sisters got better treatment than we did. Sometimes it's true but what does it really matter? You can't change the past but you can decide to not let it ruin your future. Make your life the way you want it to be. It might be a good time to invest in a few therapy sessions to learn how to take charge of your life and live it the way you want. You can't change the past but you can change the future.
Tigg2...You are right as well. I do need to sit down, but unfortunately I've tried and all I get is that I'm too emotional and over thinking things. I do see a therapist and have for awhile...one didn't give me any feed back so I went and saw another one that is giving me lots of ideas (but insurance doesn't cover, so I dont see her a lot) but we will be working on this. I just feel like every time I share stuff, everyone agrees with me, but if I share how I feel with my family, mainly mother...it's my fault. But I've never thought about the fact that she is afraid to get close. Thanks again...I'm really trying to figure things out and the last few days hearing what everyone has to say helps. It won't every be what I want it to be, and I have to accept that some how...I appreciate everyones thoughts and ideas, they really do help me. Thanks!
Yeah, people will blame your legitimate feelings on being over sensitive due to your pregnancy. Not fair!
However, your SIL does seem to be in a very sensitive situation since her history of miscarriage, so I do get that.
I think the biggest thing you said was that it's mainly your mother. At least you realize that. I'd also just expect her to not be the perfect grandmother, then, too. Otherwise, you'll just be setting yourself up to be let down.
However, you MAY just want to ask her point blank (but nicely) what role she hopes to play in your child's life. Like, does she want to be there for the birth? Does she want to stay with you at your house for the first week or two? That may be helpful to you so you have that in your head.
Who is due first, BTW?
I'm trying to accept all of this before it happens I think that is why I need to talk it out and wrap my head around it before everything happens and I'm too overwhelmed. I am due first then 3 months later SIL is due. Looking at the big picture there will be 3 months between them, but I feel like it is still too close...all things considered.
I had my mother in the room with my first birth. BIG mistake. I was tense and broke down and had an epi after 16 hours. Remember, stress makes the body tighten up which then results in pain. If you are relaxed, the contractions don't register as pain.
Second kid, I did it how I wanted and only had who I wanted in there! I went TOTALLY natural and it was the best experience of my LIFE! : D
Resist the urge to get into a competition with your SIL about baby stuff, even if it's in your own head. I know that's my downfall.
Hugs!