Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am new to DS and am looking for advice on how to handle my situation. I'm not looking for a resolution yet as I don't think there is one currently; I just need to handle things better.
I am almost 30 years old. I have been dating a man for 2.5 years and it is a fantastic relationship. I've never talked so much in my life and love all of the adventures we go on. My parents are not happy with my relationship. Their red flags: he is not a practicing Catholic (our family is devout) and he is divorced. I have taken him to Mass with me on occasion and my parents acknowledge that. But...they still hate him and call him awful names. They believe he has changed me and controls me. I go on trips with him, spend a lot of time with him, and moved in with him. I never would have had these thoughts or made these decisions if he wasn't in my life, according to them. They believe I have replaced my family with him. Which is of course not true but this is from their perspective. To make a very long story short, they want nothing to do with him and will not invite or welcome him to any family events.
I had a major fight with my parents over the weekend because my boyfriend surprised me for my 30th birthday with a trip to Vegas. Again, traveling with him when we are not married is not okay to them. I was called names and my boyfriend was called names. They won't attend my wedding if I choose to marry him. My friends were brought into the conversation since they have influenced me into making all of these decisions. The only solution they see to this is to break up with him, get rid of my friends, and be the kid I once was. I am still going to Vegas as it is my 30th and I want to enjoy myself. But I am so beaten down from these conversations with my parents. I feel like a horrible person, Catholic, and daughter. My mom has even said in text messages to me "I've lost my daughter."
I really don't know where to go from here. The only reason I would break up with him is because my parents want me to, and to me, that is not a good reason. I need to handle these situations better and get a back bone. I've asked them to attend family counseling with me, and they did attend. However, they are attending because they think this will help me and my problems. I just want to be able to communicate with them better and have them understand how I feel. I feel like because I am 30, I can make my own decisions and my parents cannot dictate what I can and cannot do. I'm still a practicing Catholic and am very much involved in my faith. My parents at time just seem so unreasonable and stubborn that I cannot get through. I don't want to go through life having my parents mad at me. I don't want to be miserable.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I believe that your parents refusing to accept the man you love because he is not Catholic and is divorced is narrow minded, selfish and bigoted. They are overstepping their role as parents of an adult daughter, by attempting to leverage you into abandoning him, trying to force their will upon you, engaging in therapy only with the secondary gain of forcing their will upon you and attempting to get you to disengage with your friends as well as your boyfriend.
In abusive relationships, the abuser normally attempts to cut the victim off from all their friends and family, so they can have all the control over the person. Think about it this way, you are at pivotal point in your life where you are leaving your nuclear family and are dating the man who will probably one day become your husband. You parents are trying to rip him from your arms along with all your friends as well. Put on your big girl panties and ask yourself if that sounds right to you? In my opinion it sounds outrageous.
I believe your parents are the problem here, not you or your boyfriend. Your boyfriend made an attempt to meet them halfway by attending church with you. This was done to support you in your faith and make it clear to everyone that he cares enough about you to not discourage your participation in church. That was super awesome!
This is an untenable situation to be in. Parents have the right to make their views known to you. They do not have the right to keep pressuring you and clobbering you over the head with their own wants and needs, to the exclusion of your own. Your parents have a right to refuse to all allow your boyfriend in their home and to refuse to attend your wedding. They are emotionally blackmailing you to get what they want from you. My guess is that if they are going to extremes like this, they've been doing that about lesser matters for a very long time.
Now that you are grown and trying to live your own life, it's time to decide how you want to live it. The very first thing you need to do is sit down and write a long e-mail to your parents. Explain:
1. You understand their concerns and respect that their actions are coming from a good place in their hearts.
2. That doe not make their behavior correct or appropriate in any way shape for form.
3. You are now 3o-years-old and capable and willing to make decisions for yourself about how to live your life.
4. Their refusal to accept the man you are seriously involved with is a form of disrespect you will no longer tolerate.
5. Since it is likely that will end up married to your current boyfriend, it is time to set some boundaries, before you have children that get drug into the middle of things.
-You will not be attending any family events that you cannot bring the man you to.
-Every time they begin attempting to rehash this situation with your boyfriend, you are going to leave their home immediately, hang up the phone, or sign off social media.
-If they continue with the behavior, you will be forced to block them.
-Remind them many parents who cannot or will not respect their adult children are being disowned and you would hate for their poor choices to land them in that group. It's a lonely way to grow old.
-Let them know that you are not choosing your boyfriend over them. You are merely protecting your right as an adult to make choices for yourself and it is a matter of self-respect.
-Let them know this is a necessary step because even if you do not end up choosing to marry this man, you will no longer tolerate their interference in your personal life. You alone are responsible for choosing your mate.
-Let them know you will no longer entertain unsolicited advice from them in any form.
-Let them know that in order to disfuse this ongoing battle, you are electing to have no contact with them for the next 30 days. You hope this will give them time to think about their behavior and make better choices.
-Let them know if they would like or if they can't control their behavior, the next time out will be for 6 months, and next one after that will be a year.
You are going to have to get yourself out of this situation or any children you have with a man they don't approve of will be torn apart. I know you do no think this will happen, but children are all to easy to use as pawns.
This in not about whether your parents approve of your choice, it's about them apparently not believing you have the right to make one. Always remember that! They will not begin seeing you as a fully functional capable adult until you begin acting like one by standing up for yourself and the man you love.
Ah church doctrines .... I respect everyone's right to worship as they choose however I do struggle with a lot of the doctrines used to control people by guilt and shame...
I don't believe that's what God had in mind nor what he would have wanted for any of us however it's done all the time in his name and I think it's really sad as well as dangerous
God is love so what is all of this hateful caca all about....... Not the God that I believe in
It destroys lives time and time again
You are an adult as such you have made a commitment to a man that you're really happy with and shame on your parents for trying to destroy it using power, control and hate
I agree that it is abusive..... There are a lot of different doctrines from different faiths that aren't in the Bible (or whatever book people follow) however people want assert their control by twisting it to suit themselves.... I personally take issue with it thus it more or less roles off of me
A great member of DS shared these wise words recently
Do not seek the truth. Only cease to cherish opinion. ~Zen Proverb
It's going to take time and work for you to assert healthy boundaries and it will probably take a long time before it becomes comfortable for you....
What you're going through just plain hurts .... I hope you have a lovely birthday in Las Vegas
Gentle hug and a blessing........xo
you parents should be happy for you
if they are making you choose between him and them, they have problems that you can't fix
offer to go to family counseling for them to really hear you, if they choose not to go or to genuinely listen to you... then they've made the choice for themselves
How did Christmas go?