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Parent won't stop violating boundaries

Southern88
Southern88

I have a parent that has untreated illness and a repetitive issue is she isn't very trustworthy when she's in my house.


When she was over for Christmas, she offered to clean my kitchen, because she said she likes to. This 'cleaning' ended up including reorganizing basically all of my cabinets, which is something I've made clear to her before drives me insane because I don't want her to reorganize my things without permission. I also discovered she took a bunch of small things out of my kitchen without my knowledge. This is not the first time she's stolen from me or others.


I'm exasperated at this point because I've been on her case about boundaries in my house and she still does things like this. 


What should I do about this at this point? I'm at a loss.

patti22
patti22
Passive-Aggressive.

My mother did that stuff too.

I had no luck in getting my mother to change. All I can offer is understanding.
eli_mom
eli_mom
Hi- I’m sorry that this happened.

Try to talk to your Mom gently and explain about how you feel. It may upset her but I hope things will get better between you and your Mom.

God bless.
Kingsolomon66
Kingsolomon66
I have lived with my mom taking care of her for over 8 years now and know your pain. It's ingrained in her. she is a mom and moms hate the idea of losing control (bad word meant in a good way). she'd got it in her mind she has to take care of you. My mom constantly thinks she has to keep us fed with food that tasted good but is lousy for you because in 'her time' they didn't have a lot of food so that's her coping mechanism.

It's not personal or malicious, she's just trying to keep important in your life as you get older. Best thing is just not to let her 'clean' because I'm sure just like me, it can be infuriating.
you have an advantage by it being your house, just say 'no mom, I can clean it up' and leave it at that.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I wouldn't let her clean the kitchen anymore.... It sounds kind of OCD??…. Has she been diagnosed with some type of disorder??

Stealing little things it seems that there's something going on with mental health?
pd2012
pd2012
I absolutely agree with SunCloud, you just don't let her clean for you again. When she asks, you flat out tell her that you don't need that type of deep cleaning and when she cleans like this for you, you have things that you can't find after. I would also call her and ask her where these things are. She's crossed boundaries but you haven't upheld your boundaries either. Anything that's missing, I would ask her about them.
zeezee
zeezee
Just because she likes to, doesn't mean she should be allowed to. It's your home, so you need to insist that she spend her time there as a guest, not a co-host. Since she has a habit of taking your utensils, keep the good ones in a safe place and replace it with cheap ones (you can get a bunch at the Dollar Store). It's sad that you have to do this but you don't seem to have much of a choice. I don't think she's going to change her ways.
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