Yes in many ways I do. We have been so convinced that it's all parenting. Most people do their best even in the most challenging situations to bring up healthy children. We have a broken emotional home, ups and downs, thought I gave our son the information and tools to over come much of this. I have always believed that he had to live his own life, of course age appropriate. I live with a raging alcoholic, better, but not over. Recently my son sent me a letter, blaming me for literally everything. My husbands drinking, raging, abuse, mental illness, etc. I can understand his hurt, as I tried and many times failed to navigate through all of the mess. Sometimes very well and others not well at all. Have been to many counselors, through church and otherwise. I have done my best to be honest, and forthright with him. I have done my best to not lay any burden on him, although sometimes in his growing up I allowed him to be too involved. There are certain consequenses to all of this, I accept that. I thought with lost of work we got through it. He has cut me off demanded certain things before he will talk to me, has been spreading untrue rumors in my family, lies about his past upbringing, so much more, he still speaks to his father, who revels in this, he loves that now the focus in on me and not on his abuse, rage or alcoholism. My husband has always overly depended emotionally on our son, telling him so many lies while drunk, treating my son like his parent, just a nightmare. Well any way, yes our society only reinforces blame and no personal responsibility.

I think my generation (baby boomers) started to realize there was a lot wrong with the family unit and voice it
Things that went on behind closed doors weren't always okay by any means

We've become much more aware of psychology and the effects of different behaviours in the home on children... TV, the internet etc has made people more informed and aware

Now it seems that there is almost a reversal ... I do think there needed to be a lot of changes in homes...

I can understand your son being very upset and traumatized by alcoholism, raging and abuse... I grew up with that as well and it's effected me greatly

I think I would let him vent and ask if he needs some help professionally to move through this

The formative years are so very young and basically form the person we will become

If he is an adult now though he has to own his life and decisions...

You can help him through this if he's willing to accept your help...

It's not your fault what went wrong with his father Anne... It sounds like it was a very difficult situation for all of you and it can be so hard to get away from an abusive situation... It often takes so much more then children realize... It's not just walking away

To answer your original questions... I think kids are more informed and they have a voice now... I think that's important... Not for the blame game however they deserve to be heard

Big hug for you and a blessing...xo

Haven't they always?

Chip off the ol' block. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, etc?

Sometimes parents are at fault.
Sometimes they were doing their best and the evidence has shown a better way (don't pick up a baby...you'll "spoil" them).
Sometimes it's genetics, or a brain injury, infection or whatever...

Just my opinion, but I think part of what's changed is that with fewer children, parents are less willing to let one go...

(My ex's grandfather was one of 12 children. They would get together and talk of the brother that left home at 20 and never returned.) That said, I am betting that the boy's mother never forgot him. Culture back then, was Not to Talk About It. So she didn't.

No one gave me a Crystal Ball, until they do, I'll muddle on as best I can.

And if you're having issues with your kids....


((((hugs))))

While my kids are doing fine now, it hasn't always been that way. It's the most isolating thing I've ever lived through.

It depends. A lot of the times it is the parent's fault. And sometimes it's not. It is truly situational. I can understand blaming the parents for a lot of the things they have have done to damage their kids. Or just not be there for them at all.

claityHP- I lived with alcoholism; husband and father, sister, in-laws. I can relate to making mistakes on how I handled it. We live and learn and alcoholics are really good at pushing people's buttons.

I am relieved at the response here. I think I have been guilty of 'parent blame' myself in thinking about other families and have been realizing that we, parents, have a huge impact on our kids but we also have lots of influence from the world around us and sometimes, it is simply not our fault.

As I said previously I am seeing a therapist and she sent me home with 'homework'. My homework was to write about , 'why do I feel so much guilt'. However, I keep writing about anger, apparently, I have been harboring a lot of angry feelings about some issues. So my home work is turning inot an 'angry assignment' instead of a guilty assignment. I will discuss with her at our next meeting.

I just thought, "I wonder if others have this burden of being made to feel guilty about how they raised their kids."

My story. My son had a huge receptive language delay. I saw it and was concerned, but figured he'd just catch up. I also got pregnant with our second child and was VERY sick for much of the pregnancy. After the birth of our daughter, when my son was 2, I had him evaluated.

Basically they agreed with me, but didn't think that he was that far behind (it's really hard to measure receptive language in a 2 year old, plus my son had strengths that hid the extent of the delay.

Well when he got tested at 3 (different system), he measured 18 months behind.

Then I taught my son to read. Reading taught him to talk. And he went into kindergarten with the social skills of a 3 year old, reading on a 4th grade level, and limited ability to follow spoken language...

Got that?

Despite me explaining all of that, and my son's preschool records...his kindergarten teacher didn't. It was a DISASTER. He even got suspended from kindergarten.

Did people blame me? OH YEAH. I got it from family, the teachers, the school counselor, and the parents of my son's classmates. I worried about Aspergers, behavioral disorders, much more, and ate stress for a solid year. My son did eventually grow out of it. But it took YEARS of me reconditioning him to get him there.


What I learned: Parenting is tough in all sorts of different ways. If I had a crystal ball, I would go back and do many things differently.

The two most important thing in a kid's life are: What they think of themselves. And their relationship with you.

But that's not what parents are told. We're told that it's our job to get the kids to sleep through the night, to potty train them, for them to get good grades, that they should be taught to be "respectful", good at sports....just perfect little robots.

I have a huge list of things that I could "brag" about now....but none of it matters. All that matters is that my kids like themselves and are close to me.

It so nearly wasn't that way. I'm a heartbeat away from being in your shoes. I'm sure that my story is different from yours. But it's the same in that we were both doing as good of a job as we could, without knowing what the best choices would be.

And we can each go back and nit-pick our choices and wonder if we were really "doing our best." I've been having nightmares lately. I wonder if this is why.