Welcome Mike and big hug for you..... I am so sorry your life is in so much turmoil right now

I saw that you joined the Breakup's and Divorce board... That's a good board

There is a good Depression Board on here and I'll put up a link for the Healthy Relationships board

This board is pretty quiet

I would talk to your own lawyer if you haven't already.... Yes you've really messed up however I don't know why you can't regularly see your children....

Your own lawyer will discuss things from YOUR perspective and your children's perspective . Continuing to punish you by using the kids is no good
Having a healthy relationship with their dad is a good thing and what they deserve to have unless there is a good reason to take it slowly??

Unless she has a really legitimate reason for thinking the kids are at some risk I don't think it's reasonable for you to not be with your children

Of course your emotions are everywhere... I would really focus on one day at a time.... That's truly all we have and if you need to one hour or one moment at a time

It sounds like you are doing the best that you can now for your family and for yourself

It's going to take some time to heal and to have some new coping skills in place but you can do this!!

Another hug.... This is a link to the Healthy Relationships board......xo

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-relationships

It will take time. In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself for the sake of your kids. Time has a way of healing the past. I know you are hurting right now but try to keep busy doing constructive things and you never know but months from now, out of the blue, ex might come calling and want to talk. I hear similar stories at 12 step meetings quite often.

God Bless

Grounding techniques can really help pretty quickly if you have anxiety attacks..... They help me a great deal

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8453/grounding-techniques/

Thank you all. I have really been struggling today, angry, hurt, depressed. I appreciate all of the advice

I think giving space is the hardest part, I am so afraid that I will lose her that I am pushing her away. She told me tonight she needs more space.

I can hear your desire to heal and go back to your old life. It is hard to be the one who feels punished unfairly. I think this is what my former spouse felt, but I felt I was the one who was the victim of his nefarious behaviors. We have to learn to do self forgiveness and self healing instead of beating ourselves up or blaming others and this is often a hard and long process. What I have found in life is that learning that one's spouse has been lying and living a double life can be devastating. The partner who gets caught may struggle with the aftermath of what they have done. The innocent partner may do a lot of "pay back" in their anger and pain or they may come to the end and be ready to quit.

Sometimes we see things from our own narrow or self absorbed perspective. We may do everything we can to get the relationship back to homeostasis because it is so uncomfortable to deal with change. Your wife is asking for space, and the more you push her to go back to the homeostasis, the more she will resent you and resist. The more you push your wife to do things your way, the more she may decide against you. Her needs are to be left alone by you and have time to focus on herself and her healing. She will have to heal from this also. It isn't just one, it is both, and the kids. If there is any hope for change, it has to start within us. And change means being the change, showing the change, over months and years. Please focus on yourself and doing your program for emotional wellness. Be fearless and courageous in being willing to change. The marriage may not come back but by being willing to commit to fearless change within ourselves, we can create a happy, content, authentic life. It feels awful to be the one out of the house but can you look at this as your time to really devote to yourself and what needs to change or be improved? How can you live an authentic life that supports your emotional wellness? These ideas take time to think out.

It sounds like you are angry and hurt with your wife and I am sure she is hurt and angry with you. Giving her space shows her you will put her needs first. Isn't that a good thing to do and a way to show love? I wish you the best on this journey of self healing.

I also wanted to say there can be a lot of shame and guilt in these situations. For both you and your wife. These are emotions that are very painful to cope with and to heal from.

Thank you so much for the kind words and the support. I agree, I was feeling angry but now I am feeling more of a loss. i hurt her beyond imagination and that will be something I will live with for the rest of my life. For now, one day at a time

My advice would be to better yourself. I know that seems silly, but it will help in many different ways. If you are focused on bettering you then one you will be improving as a person. This maybe physically by working out or mentally by keeping your mind active or working on your addiction. Second focusing on you will keep your mind off of the past and what has happen. Third if you focus on you this gives her a reason to want to come back. No one wants to come back to the same situation that made them leave, but if she sees you are changing for the better and putting fourth effort it will or should mean something to her. Fourth bettering your self will make you feel better. Dont improve yourself for someone else. Do it to be a better you. Regardless of yalls relationship and how bad you want to change what has happen to you do it for your because you want to be better. That is when you will see true results.
Always remember you matter, you are worth it, and you have a purpose.