No you're not wrong. But his mother isn't necessarily wrong either. (You really have no idea of her history with her son and grandchildren. It may have hurt her greatly to have been excluded from the wedding when you eloped. And she may have been called upon to make great sacrifices when her son got divorced.)

This situation is really up to her son/your husband to fix/repair/deal with. If he refuses, ignores it or whatever...it really speaks to his character...or lack of character.

As far as "his kid/ your kids" go. It's possible that she had to play a major role in caring for his daughter...and may have bonded to her as a parent to a child. It's just different buying a present for a child that you've rocked endlessly, changed endless diapers for and so on.... Cutting her off cold, now that his daughter is older and he doesn't need free childcare is a bit heartless. Feeling pushed aside by his new wife, that you may have heard little about...even more so.

In short...I'd cut her a break, and appreciate what she's done for someone that you now love.

That all said, you may very well have to carve out your own new traditions for your family of 5. I wish you only the best with your marriage and new family...step parents often have a really really hard unappreciated role.

Hugs, Patti

When I read this my thoughts were what Patti has written before I read it .... This is on your husband not his mother
It sounds like she did a lot for him and his daughter when he needed her.... I think to exclude her from your wedding was unkind IMHO

I think now though that you are a family your husband has to man up and discuss 'his family' with his mother if you want this to work.... and encourage her to be an important part of 'the family'....

She may well have been a surrogate mom to his daughter and now feels left out.... This is probably very hard and confusing for her as well?? perhaps

That doesn't mean she doesn't want to see her son in a happy and healthy relationship... There does need to be some boundaries

A lot of people turn to their parents to help with children and if he was on his own for 10 years his mom may have helped to raise her granddaughter for a decade

I believe he needs to have a kind discussion with his mom letting her know how important she always will be as a part of his family and at the same time having some healthy boundaries

Hopefully this can be repaired if 'he' makes an effort and I think it's important for all of you that he does...... Big hug......xo

And I also want to congratulate you on your marriage.... xo

I understand what your saying, but my husband and I have been together 3 years and this has been going on the whole time. As far as leaving her out of the wedding my husband and I eloped no one was there but us and at what point does our life become our own and not there to please everyone else. My parents response to my husband was welcome to the family and congratulations. His mothers response was marriage it hard and are you sure. I appreciate the fact that his mother helped care for her granddaughter, but again at what point do you step aside and be grandmother and not wife and mother? I mean really it has been a 3 year struggle. I also noticed no one commented on her lack of acceptance of my children and me. On blatantly leaving them out of things. I agree that this falls to my husband and frankly I'm at my tipping point.

I agree that your husband needs to step up for all of your sakes.... being divided is no good.... He needs to have a voice

Marriage is hard and if she asked 'are you sure' might be a thing a lot of parents would ask if they were having a private talk with their adult child.... Especially when there are children involved and not a first marriage

I don't think that is insulting to you... I think it's sort of unfortunate it was passed on IMHO

If I had a couple of kids and so did a soon to be husband I could see my mom asking me something like that and she wouldn't do it to be hurtful and I wouldn't have repeated it

I do believe this is on your husband.... I think he needs to use his voice.... You and your girls are now his family

The grandmother can still have some times for her and her granddaughter however you and your children should definitely be treated respectfully and feel included in family functions

I do think he needs to be firm and also thankful for all that she did .... However she also needs to know that he's married now and that what's going on can't continue

Maybe having the next couple of holiday dinners at your home might be a way to break the ice

I understand your frustration ... I believe you husband is perhaps struggling with ? guilt if his mom was a big source of support for he and his daughter for many years however this division is no good ...... I agree that he needs to stand up

And I do understand what you're saying.... Blended families take a lot of effort ... Perhaps seeing a family therapist even a couple of times might help your husband gain some tools to deal with this.... Big hug.....xo

I was reading a while ago that it can take between 2 and 5 years for blended families to work out the bumps....
I think part of the problem re the children is of course there is no biological bonding
I just wanted to add that if you are willing to get into some family therapy to sort this out that perhaps the MIL could be invited into the therapy at some point.....x

Thank you. I agree with what your saying and I'm sure my husband does feel some guilt based on how much his mother helped him. I also agree with the counseling. We will see if she is willing. I asked to speak to her privately once and she told me she didn't have time for me and then immediately called my husband and wanted to know why I was bothering her. Unfortunately my husbands response was not to have me talk to his mom about things. Frankly I feel like I'm in this alone and think if things continue this way, then they can both have each other and I'll be moving on with my life with my children.

Here is some info on dividing family loyalties when you marry......

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dividing-family-loyalties-when-you-marry-0423135

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201310/have-in-law-issues

passive/aggressive

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/18/how-do-i-deal-with-my-passive-aggressive-mother-in-law/

Thank you for the links I read through them. They have e some really sound advice and I will try it. I just hope everyone is on board including my husband.

i have the opposite issue...I want my DIL involved with me and my son ...and she won't have anything to do with me.....so my son had to have 2 christmas' etc....it is very sad....every holiday there is one for me and him and then one for him and her....this is crazy....I desperately want us to be a family......I think you should sit down alone with her and have a chat....tell her you love her and want to be a family.....my God if my daughter in law would even talk to ....all she has ever said to me is F### yOU

I'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds like we're in the same situation just opposite sides of the spectrum. I've tried to sit down alone with her, I've invited her to lunch, to go shopping, just to have a private conversation and she told me that she didn't have time for me, then she immediately called my husband to ask him why I wanted to talk to her and got him all upset. I'm very sorry your going through this too it puts such a strain on our marriage. My husband had 2 Christmas's also he left our home and took his daughter to his mothers for a few hours because my children and I weren't invited. It has created such resentment and a rift between my husband and I.

RMM, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It very closely resembles that of me and my husband for the first years of our marriage. The situation left me wondering if I was crazy, as it seemed like I was the only one who had a problem with being left out of the family. I tried to talk to my in-laws about the situation, but they blew off my concerns with "You are not our daughter" and "That's just the way it is." When our kids were born, the poor treatment often extended to them as well, as they weren't as well-received as their cousins. First off, I want you to know that you have every right to want to be treated like a part of the family, not left out of celebrations or have your feelings ignored. You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment (if it was "retaliation" for not inviting her to the wedding, then why does she still welcome her son??). One hard lesson that I learned was that it wasn't my MIL that was hurting me as much as my husband's lack of support for me. He cared more about what his mother thought than how I felt. We had to confront this problem head on; but it was very difficult as most of his life he was taught to do whatever he could to make mom happy. But when it means that his new family always takes the back seat, then the relationship with his mom is unhealthy and hurtful. I had to deal with hurt, anger, and distrust for a very long time - your situation has no easy fix. I will have to say that I started to get over being treated this way by my in-laws when my husband started to stand up for me (and himself, and our kids), when he started to put us and our time together first. This has also been a long process, and we are always learning, ALWAYS. Your MIL may never change, and this is something you need to accept off the bat. It's not even helpful to guess as to why she treats you this way, she has many many reasons and it is up to her to change those. It might not be helpful to even try to reach out to her anymore. But you and your husband can work on this. Be very clear to him about how you feel when he leaves the family on Christmas. Set boundaries for your family so you and the kids still feel loved and valued by your husband and not like second-class family members. For us, it meant spending Christmas just as our own little family, making our own traditions and memories (though Christmas Eve is still with the in-laws). The situation gets a little better every year. My husband still has a very hard time telling his mother how she is hurtful, although he is more honest with his father. As for me, I feel like a prisoner set free. I don't hold any resentment towards my in-laws as I feel very loved and valued by my husband. I hope you and your husband and family can find a way to work through this - it will be well worth it if you do.