If you are recently divorced, I wouldn't make any huge, life changing decisions just yet.

I would strongly suggest you staying at her place for some weekends, days at a time without going back to your place at all, just to see how you two get along living together. Or, her staying at your place for several days at a time, no driving back and forth. It would be a good trial run before committing to something permanent.

I had something similar. After my Dad unexpectedly and suddenly passed away, my Mom was begging me to move in with her (I have my own place that I rent). I knew we wouldn't get along, but it was sad because she was alone, anxious, grieving.... so yes, I hear you about the *guilt*. So I started staying at her house a few days a week, while keeping my own place. After being around each other so much, SHE decided to "hold off" on us moving in together after all! After she was begging me to move in (in the beginning, calling and asking me to move in as many as 5 times a day, and yes, LOTS of guilt trips on me to move in). Then after me staying there a few days each week, she didn't want to do it anymore, lol!

Sometimes taking a trial run will let you both see if this is something you both REALLY want to do. Sounds like you have some doubts already...

In many asian countries, families stay together and help out each other. As far as your mother's nagging.....words can't hurt you unless you give them the power to do so. Personally, I think living with your mom would give you the opportunity to heal from the past issues and to learn through forgiveness, unconditional love and compassion. IMHO

God Bless

Thanks GirlinCalif. Very helpful suggestion! I see her a few times a week. She comes to my place or vice versa.
Only after a couple of hours she is ready to retreat to her private space. In theory it sounds nice, but our personalities are too strong for each other. If she keeps bringing it up I will try your recommendation and stay a few days, she will get tired quickly :)

Thanks BobinMaine. Im still growing in forgiveness, unconditional love and compassion :)

Big hug Mel.... You will always be her child in her eyes.... If she's overbearing and dominating this isn't going to stop because you want it to

I would perhaps visit more and have some sleep overs but be in charge of your own life.... xo

Your mom has a need to be controlling or maybe she is a bully. It is not about you or your lack; or your not being good enough. It is about something inside of her that drives her to try for perfection. An unhealthy drive. Can you see this from her own unfilled emotional well and not just as her being difficult or demanding? When we reframe things, we can find a new perspective. Because you are recently divorced, I would also say don't make big changes. Many older adults are lonely -- because they no longer try to sustain friendships. They believe their children are their primary relationship(s) and friends are not needed. It is hard to let go of the mother role and the loss of independence if your mother is experiencing this. Older adults may look back on their lives and often feel regrets. Unhappy all their lives really.

If you think mom is treating you like a child and you retreat into child like hurt, or emotional thinking, then you aren't being an adult, meaning not thinking with maturity. This is who mom is and how mom is. What if you know in your heart that you are the adult that you are and that you are competent and valuable? What if you hold this belief firm and learn to let your mom be who she is with your being detached with love? What if you said to your mom "I FEEL when you say ____" statements when she says hurtful things. Not "you said" but I feel. I feel angry, I feel hurt, whatever it is. She will very likely get defensive but the point is not to change HER but to validate yourself.

Let me say one more thing. People who are controlling do so out of fear or codependence. They may believe that trying to control or being bossy will reduce their anxiety. Focusing on your faults makes me forget about my faults. Actually, it increases our anxiety because we aren't dealing with our own issues. Moms and dad often do this control stuff with adult children because they feel if their child is not perfect, this means the parents was not perfect, and if they are not perfect then they are bad, bad, less than, and this is not mentally sustainable. They get to the older adult, contemplation stage and they may need shoring up. Perhaps it is too painful to be a simple human with flaws. It is a defense mechanism to focus on another person instead of fixing ourselves. Next time you are with mom, observe and listen. Pay attention with your mind, not your emotions. You'll begin to see her not as your mom but as the human that is underneath. I have a bossy acquaintance. I have realized she lives in anxiety and most people don't really like her or want to talk to her. I see her in a social group. This woman is smart as a whip but oh my she gets to be telling you what to do and yuck, nobody likes that.

I live on the other side of the world from my mum, and she would still call me every morning to nag at me to wake up and start doing my chores (Asian background). There's always that 'It's because you are not good enough/ that's because you did it wrongly' every time I express how things are not going the way I wanted. I had to learn to not let her words get to me. She's never going to change but what I can do is to change the way I think and respond to her. We have an OK-ish relationship these days. I do agree though, that maybe moving in with her is not such a great idea. I feel like you might move out again after that and everyone gets upset. Would it be possible to move close by and visit her every so often?

I totally agree with the advice given by girl in CA. My Mom moved in with my sister (who lived nextdoor from her) for a couple of months after our Dad passed. I feel if you just spend 2-3 days a week for a few weeks will help so much, but hearing what you are saying, moving in together would make you unhappy and resentful in the long run. Good luck and God bless.

This is an old post, not current.