Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I need to figure out who I am -- not as defined by my sisters or my parents. And yet, when I relate to others, I realize the foundation of myself is molded by all those years of interactions. Even this weekend, when we had a family event and the sisters visited from out of town, the same dynamic repeated itself. I'm left banging my head against a wall -- craving cigarettes, getting quiet to avoid confrontation, feeling resentment when I feel judged or criticized, being shut down for expressing myself when I do assert myself.
I realized that my 1 sister's attitude of silencing me by the "talk to the hand" gesture (she often does this when she doesn't want me to speak) has another form. It dawned on me when she put her hand in my face, she said , "I don't want to go down that line of negativity. It's enervating." This has been another way to silence me, via shame. Shaming me for my point-of-view, which she calls negative. Which she says "enervates" her (drains her). We're talking about serious stuff re. our sick Mom. Sorry I can't fart flowers and rainbows! But it's another way to silence my train of thought-- which was in direct correlation to the conversation at hand. It was an important observation that I was sharing. But she swept it under the "negativity" carpet and told me that I "drain" her.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I used to run out of the room when I was talked to this way. I used to flee from confrontation. I used to smoke over it. Now, as a middle-aged woman, I try to hold my ground, face the confrontation, maintain my nicotine-free status (it's been 2 years). But at that moment, I wish I could have left -- but didn't have a car or way to get home.
My aunt once said, "You sister has always been mean -- and your family has allowed her the power to behave this way." And she's right. My aunt added, "you have always been that family's whipping boy."
So why do I keep imploding, feeling like I'm the screw-up, can't get it right. My 2 sisters, they have careers, they have lives with loved ones. They have always bonded and presented a united front, "the girls' club" (coined by a therapist long ago) ... excluding me (I'm the youngest of the sisters). I'm alone, unemployed, a loser, no identity, lost, no self-esteem or self-confidence. Depressed. Anxious. Tired. Always so tired.
Of course I see them as having their shit together and I see myself as in the wrong.
And of course, this reads as negative.
Is this a "sibling effect" thing (being that I'm the youngest)? I am excluded, they do not want my opinion, I've had to pick my battles carefully in order to be heard. They get angry when I don't ask their permission when I'm trying to help my sick mother (And if I asked for permission, I am told to "get on with my life.")
I realized that my 1 sister's attitude of silencing me by the "talk to the hand" gesture (she often does this when she doesn't want me to speak) has another form. It dawned on me when she put her hand in my face, she said , "I don't want to go down that line of negativity. It's enervating." This has been another way to silence me, via shame. Shaming me for my point-of-view, which she calls negative. Which she says "enervates" her (drains her). We're talking about serious stuff re. our sick Mom. Sorry I can't fart flowers and rainbows! But it's another way to silence my train of thought-- which was in direct correlation to the conversation at hand. It was an important observation that I was sharing. But she swept it under the "negativity" carpet and told me that I "drain" her.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I used to run out of the room when I was talked to this way. I used to flee from confrontation. I used to smoke over it. Now, as a middle-aged woman, I try to hold my ground, face the confrontation, maintain my nicotine-free status (it's been 2 years). But at that moment, I wish I could have left -- but didn't have a car or way to get home.
My aunt once said, "You sister has always been mean -- and your family has allowed her the power to behave this way." And she's right. My aunt added, "you have always been that family's whipping boy."
So why do I keep imploding, feeling like I'm the screw-up, can't get it right. My 2 sisters, they have careers, they have lives with loved ones. They have always bonded and presented a united front, "the girls' club" (coined by a therapist long ago) ... excluding me (I'm the youngest of the sisters). I'm alone, unemployed, a loser, no identity, lost, no self-esteem or self-confidence. Depressed. Anxious. Tired. Always so tired.
Of course I see them as having their shit together and I see myself as in the wrong.
And of course, this reads as negative.
Is this a "sibling effect" thing (being that I'm the youngest)? I am excluded, they do not want my opinion, I've had to pick my battles carefully in order to be heard. They get angry when I don't ask their permission when I'm trying to help my sick mother (And if I asked for permission, I am told to "get on with my life.")
I have noticed that they are not as close as I thought they all were and I have noticed they projected a lot of what they were feeling onto me - maybe that is something that might be happening to you. Everything might be what it seems to be with them and only what they want you to see. Try not to let what they say get to you - you have strengths and you are not a loser
I hope you manage to shake the negative feelings. Don't let her make you feel like that. It'll get better I promise. Its sad but some siblings just don't get on that well. As they say, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
Take care x
In my case my sister has always disrespected me. She treats me like dirt and as I told my mother tonight I don't allow it anymore. I can't stop her or change what she says but I don't have to listen and I don't have to care about what she is saying. When I stop giving her the power to hurt me I'm pretty free.
Of course I still have to deal with her in regards to my parents. We are going through lots of issues at the moment and it is amazing how she treats my mother and brother the same way. But I am resolved to not allow her the power to affect me.
My mother is elderly & sick. My sisters (who have power-of-attorney) have outsourced all her care to 24 hr. caregivers, a Medical advocate (who schedules all the appts & talks with all the Drs--though she knows more than I do, since she doesn't tell me what they say), also the advocate's assistant (who takes Mom to the appts), even a nursing agency to dispense the meds (don't get me started on the # of errors I have found from week to week).
Ridiculous the amount of $$ this is costing. Family crying poorhouse, but won't let me help. At all. I wanted to be more involved in my mother's care -- dispensing the weekly meds accurately (thereby avoiding unnecessary drama & mistakes -- it's not rocket science, really it's not, but they have managed to effectively screwed Mom up several times by giving her Discontinued Meds that have Bad Side Effects!!! )
I have offered to take her to Dr appts -- which is another way to save $$. Also, this way, I can advocate for Mom, share my observations with the Dr...
Anyway, the Mean Sisters will not hear it. It's the Girls' Club. Now they are leveraging their power to a new level:
Mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday & no one told me until I inquired why I haven't heard from her all day. I was told via Email. I texted: "I don't even warrant a phone call?" WTF !!
Apparently not. I was told that they decided to let the professionals get Mom situated and when they felt like it, then they would tell me.
WTF?!!
I really spun out on this. Took several conversations with lots of people in my life who are aware of this situation, in order to help me de-escalate.
Thankfully, I did not smoke over this. But I so desperately wanted to. Today, I have 700 days free of nicotine. I want to keep it that way.
But I felt so hurt and so angry, when I found out that the Medical Advocate is playing by my sisters' rules -- and the only phone numbers she provided to Mom were my sisters' phone numbers.
I was livid. I calmly told her that I'm part of this family, too, and my mother deserves to have all 3 daughter's phone numbers.
I spoke with my aunt tonight. We haven't talked in many months. Who off-handedly said, "Your sisters have always been this way. When are you going to give it up and walk away? There's no point in repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall again & again. You want revenge? You know what the sweetest revenge is? Success."
She's right.
I need a patch on my shoulder to detox from this family of origin. Just like I did to detox from nicotine. Maybe I'll make a temporary tattoo from fingerpaint ;)
Thanks again for all your support and advice. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this kind of pain with your siblings, too.
A couple of things I'm learning: have VERY limited contact with her (why go back for more grief?), don't call her after 7:30 (she drinks), when she "starts up" I say I need to go &?then I do! Not that I've found "the answer"--she can be VERY stealthy in her put downs & manipulation. But I figure: this is a start.