Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
This is looong...but I need some outside input, because everyone near and dear to me either refuses to choose 'sides' or they are too involved to see it clearly.
First, I am 25 and I have a little sister who is 22. We both have children, my daughter is 2 and her son is 3 months older then my daughter.
She was in a bad relationship, got out of it, and didn't take a break for herself before jumping back in the dating pool. After a few failed messes she latched onto this guy named Jaron who is only 21.
Now, Jaron lives at home with his rich mommy and daddy. He has a drinking problem. He parties. He is incredibly immature.
Since getting with him, my sister has changed...massivley. She drinks almost as much as he does. Easily a bottle of wine a day or two. She lets him stay with her for days at a time without paying a single bill or helping with groceries. Her house is disgusting. I mean gross...there are empty beer cans everywhere, there are cigarette butts in every beer can and in empty slush and coffee to go cups. (she also started smoking when she got with him). There is dog urine all over her entry way...her dogs, whom she loved, get locked in the porch because Jaron doesn't like them. There is dried on, rotting food on filthy plates all over the end tables and floor by the couches. There are dirty diapers piled in corners.
Jarons parents, since she got with him THREE months ago..that's it...three months...have bought her a car(not new, but nicer then what she had by a long shot) and they let her choose a house, that they bought, so that they could rent it to her until she and Jaron got married then they would gift it for the wedding.
Let me explain something about Jaron. He goes to court in a couple of months because he is up on charges of child pornography....he apparentley got an 11 or 12 year old to text naked pics of herself to him. Now, I only have that second/third hand. So wether it's all true or not? I don't know, all I know is that he is going to court and is garunteed jail time.
Now to the guts of the issue. I know, your thinking....what? All that wasn't the issue!
I watch my sisters son while she works. She works Wednesday to Sunday. I run a dayhome...so I do NOT work weekends. Strictly Monday to Friday.
For along time she expected me to watch him for free. But that was taking $500-$700 a month out of my family's income. So I dragged her to our Provincial Building and we filled out forms that would have the government deposit $400 a month into her account that she was to give to me for payment.
Her first payment comes in...it was in the middle of the month as back pay for the month taht her application was in transit. So she shows up to pick up Julian and gives me $300
I ask her 'didn't they give you the full $400?" and she tells me yes, but she needs to give her weekend sitter some money. If it was out of her pocket...no big deal...but as it sits the government is expecting me to get that money, so I will be taxed on it. That would be $1200 a year I was claiming, paying taxes on, but not getting.
So I tell her it's not going to work, I need all of it. And she tells me ok, she will get me more money later.
Then she leaves. And this weekend she left her son with her weekend sitter(who is also her close pal) and went out of province for a 'drinking, couples' weekend with Jaron.
While talking to her sitter on Facebook it comes out that she never got paid. Well..no...when she brought it up to my sister my sister gave her $20. Not the $100 she took from me.
So I'm furious...she lied to my face...took money that was intended for me and mine, and went to get hammered.
I text her to ask her what the hell was going on and she got all defensive. Told me to chill, that I would get the money, that I was going to cause her to lose her weekend sitter and then be unemployed...that I didn't watch him full time so I should just shut up and be thankful for what I got...and that she didn't lie to me. That she did give her friend money. And she didn't steal...since I would eventually get the money anyways.
Soooo....I don't watch Julian again until Wednesday...she is back Monday night. So I was planning on having her come over on Tuesday and talking to her. I'm going to tell her that this was not okay...that lying to me about it...taking money that wasn't meant for her just to go drinking, shorting her friend...it's not okay.
I'm going to tell her I had better get $500 ($400 plus the $100 she shorted me) by no later then November.7th. If I don't, then I am done caring for him. I'm not putting up with this bullshit.
However, everyone else either won't chose or tell me to just stop now. But her boss happens to be my best friend husband, and he told me that she was incredibly close to being fired...that I should try and talk to her and hopefully save her ass. And I'm scared if I push her she is going to go get stupid and endanger Julian. Plus...and this is a kicker, Julians dad just got every other weekend custody...this would put his foot even farther in the door. And if he gets Julian I would need to go to court to get visitation. AND I found out today that Jaron and Tilly are trying to have a baby??? Seriously!
What do I do? This is a mess! My big sister is a recovering crack addict, and now my little sister is an alcoholic with a dependancy issue.
First, I am 25 and I have a little sister who is 22. We both have children, my daughter is 2 and her son is 3 months older then my daughter.
She was in a bad relationship, got out of it, and didn't take a break for herself before jumping back in the dating pool. After a few failed messes she latched onto this guy named Jaron who is only 21.
Now, Jaron lives at home with his rich mommy and daddy. He has a drinking problem. He parties. He is incredibly immature.
Since getting with him, my sister has changed...massivley. She drinks almost as much as he does. Easily a bottle of wine a day or two. She lets him stay with her for days at a time without paying a single bill or helping with groceries. Her house is disgusting. I mean gross...there are empty beer cans everywhere, there are cigarette butts in every beer can and in empty slush and coffee to go cups. (she also started smoking when she got with him). There is dog urine all over her entry way...her dogs, whom she loved, get locked in the porch because Jaron doesn't like them. There is dried on, rotting food on filthy plates all over the end tables and floor by the couches. There are dirty diapers piled in corners.
Jarons parents, since she got with him THREE months ago..that's it...three months...have bought her a car(not new, but nicer then what she had by a long shot) and they let her choose a house, that they bought, so that they could rent it to her until she and Jaron got married then they would gift it for the wedding.
Let me explain something about Jaron. He goes to court in a couple of months because he is up on charges of child pornography....he apparentley got an 11 or 12 year old to text naked pics of herself to him. Now, I only have that second/third hand. So wether it's all true or not? I don't know, all I know is that he is going to court and is garunteed jail time.
Now to the guts of the issue. I know, your thinking....what? All that wasn't the issue!
I watch my sisters son while she works. She works Wednesday to Sunday. I run a dayhome...so I do NOT work weekends. Strictly Monday to Friday.
For along time she expected me to watch him for free. But that was taking $500-$700 a month out of my family's income. So I dragged her to our Provincial Building and we filled out forms that would have the government deposit $400 a month into her account that she was to give to me for payment.
Her first payment comes in...it was in the middle of the month as back pay for the month taht her application was in transit. So she shows up to pick up Julian and gives me $300
I ask her 'didn't they give you the full $400?" and she tells me yes, but she needs to give her weekend sitter some money. If it was out of her pocket...no big deal...but as it sits the government is expecting me to get that money, so I will be taxed on it. That would be $1200 a year I was claiming, paying taxes on, but not getting.
So I tell her it's not going to work, I need all of it. And she tells me ok, she will get me more money later.
Then she leaves. And this weekend she left her son with her weekend sitter(who is also her close pal) and went out of province for a 'drinking, couples' weekend with Jaron.
While talking to her sitter on Facebook it comes out that she never got paid. Well..no...when she brought it up to my sister my sister gave her $20. Not the $100 she took from me.
So I'm furious...she lied to my face...took money that was intended for me and mine, and went to get hammered.
I text her to ask her what the hell was going on and she got all defensive. Told me to chill, that I would get the money, that I was going to cause her to lose her weekend sitter and then be unemployed...that I didn't watch him full time so I should just shut up and be thankful for what I got...and that she didn't lie to me. That she did give her friend money. And she didn't steal...since I would eventually get the money anyways.
Soooo....I don't watch Julian again until Wednesday...she is back Monday night. So I was planning on having her come over on Tuesday and talking to her. I'm going to tell her that this was not okay...that lying to me about it...taking money that wasn't meant for her just to go drinking, shorting her friend...it's not okay.
I'm going to tell her I had better get $500 ($400 plus the $100 she shorted me) by no later then November.7th. If I don't, then I am done caring for him. I'm not putting up with this bullshit.
However, everyone else either won't chose or tell me to just stop now. But her boss happens to be my best friend husband, and he told me that she was incredibly close to being fired...that I should try and talk to her and hopefully save her ass. And I'm scared if I push her she is going to go get stupid and endanger Julian. Plus...and this is a kicker, Julians dad just got every other weekend custody...this would put his foot even farther in the door. And if he gets Julian I would need to go to court to get visitation. AND I found out today that Jaron and Tilly are trying to have a baby??? Seriously!
What do I do? This is a mess! My big sister is a recovering crack addict, and now my little sister is an alcoholic with a dependancy issue.
Another thought is what happens when the BF is sentences? I know in the states they are not allowed to live with children for a period of time...usually years.
Talk to her but do it calmly..tell her you are worried about her. Stick to one or two things so you don't overwhelm her. And try to keep your nephew as the focus. That way you aren't accusing her but are showing her what is at risk.
Good luck.
I wouldn't wait til november 7th either...I would say when is your next paycheck? Ok well you have until then to get caught up, if you can't then you better take your child elsewhere, period..
Chances are you are not making her be responsible and her life will only get worse..
I also have to agree with the other two comments on here. Don't enable your sister just because she is your sister. Enabling a person like your sister is just adding gasoline to the fire. It's so not a good idea. My first thing is to protect that child she has. I realize she is your sister... but children always come first in my book. My fiance and I don't have children... but I have a sister and lots of friends who do.
I would also not wait until November 7th. Seems to me your sister does not like to be held accountable for her actions. Someone needs to teach her that she needs to be held responsible. She did this to herself and she can't blame anyone BUT herself if her child gets taken away. Or if you stop watching her child just so she can go out and live the party girl life. There's got to be a way to make her realize what she's doing to her life.
Also... the alcoholism... she obviously does not realize what alcohol can do to the body. She can get liver failure. I know someone whose brother died a few years ago from liver failure because he was an alcoholic.
Good luck with this endeavor. I think an intervention is in order. You need to make the rest of the family see that this girl needs help. And so does her child. The road your sister is on is not good and I fear she will one day end up in jail. Or worse... dead !
Like I said... good luck !!
I'm worried though that if I just let her fall...shes going to fall on Julian and he's going to suffer. Childrens Services won't remove him from the home just because it's filthy...he has to be neglected. And he has lots of people stepping up to the plate to make sure that he isn't.
Also, apparentley Jaron's court date got moved up and no one told me...he was sentenced to eight months in a rehab facility but I don't know when he goes there.
Good luck