Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
And how much power he has power over me.
I hate how guilty I feel, because he doesn't physically abuse me or anything like that. He just left. He just chose cigarettes and beer over me.
So I tried. I tried to get straight A's so he'd come back. I tried to be the perfect girl so he'd come back. I tried to be nice so he'd come back. I loved him more than he probably loved me, hoping maybe he'd come back, someday, one day. Instead he just grew farther away, eventually vanishing from the Earth.
Then the mouth cancer came and all of sudden he decides he can come back into my life. he can show up on holidays with a gigantic sore on his lip. He decides he can call my mom his wife again. He decides he can call. he decides after that, he can disappear again. The worst part is, I let him. I got my hopes up that, even if he didn't stay, he wouldn't vanish again.
But then he vanished, choosing to move into a cheap motel and driving to his chemo treatments on a moped. Hanging out with other alcoholics and people who have hit their low points. Saying I could come visit whenever I want, too bad, at the point, I didn't.
Then he died.
And he still has so much power over my life. HIS death made me shut down, which caused me and my mom to have issues. HIS death made the therapists ignore all my other issues, and insist THIS is what caused the depression that was diagnosed months ago. HIS death was what filled me with so much hate and anger that I had to hit something, had to hurt something, even though the only option was me. So I drug a safety pin across my skin, and now I'm addicted to it, just like he was addicted to nicotine and alcohol. HE'S the reason after 3 counselors, and an inpatient program I still can't throw my razor away. And he's the reason why, 7 months later, I'm still crying.
I hate how guilty I feel, because he doesn't physically abuse me or anything like that. He just left. He just chose cigarettes and beer over me.
So I tried. I tried to get straight A's so he'd come back. I tried to be the perfect girl so he'd come back. I tried to be nice so he'd come back. I loved him more than he probably loved me, hoping maybe he'd come back, someday, one day. Instead he just grew farther away, eventually vanishing from the Earth.
Then the mouth cancer came and all of sudden he decides he can come back into my life. he can show up on holidays with a gigantic sore on his lip. He decides he can call my mom his wife again. He decides he can call. he decides after that, he can disappear again. The worst part is, I let him. I got my hopes up that, even if he didn't stay, he wouldn't vanish again.
But then he vanished, choosing to move into a cheap motel and driving to his chemo treatments on a moped. Hanging out with other alcoholics and people who have hit their low points. Saying I could come visit whenever I want, too bad, at the point, I didn't.
Then he died.
And he still has so much power over my life. HIS death made me shut down, which caused me and my mom to have issues. HIS death made the therapists ignore all my other issues, and insist THIS is what caused the depression that was diagnosed months ago. HIS death was what filled me with so much hate and anger that I had to hit something, had to hurt something, even though the only option was me. So I drug a safety pin across my skin, and now I'm addicted to it, just like he was addicted to nicotine and alcohol. HE'S the reason after 3 counselors, and an inpatient program I still can't throw my razor away. And he's the reason why, 7 months later, I'm still crying.
The cutting... (big sigh) I just don't know enough about it to advise you. Please find someone that does. Just know that ppl care and God loves you. I have been through much in my life and now that I'm older, I want to help younger women through their tough times. If you can get healthy, you can use your horrible expirences to help someone too. You can come out of this stronger,wiser, and empathetic towards others. It is an amazing feeling and almost makes me feel blessed to have had such a rough life so I can channel it in a positive direction. ((hugs))
You took too much responsibility for the way the relationship was and you're taking too much responisbility for it now that he is gone.
Parents aren't good parents because of our actions and they aren't bad parents because of our actions..
There is a book called "The Four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.. I can honestly say it helped me look at things in my own life in a much more positive way.
Sending you good thoughts & hope for peace.