Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am literally at my wits end with my child.
She has always been a bit sassy, a bit quirky and a lot her own person. But she was always respectful, honest, obedient (within reason, I mean she tested boundaries like any other kid) and diligent in all that she did.
She is almost 8 and I am literally going to have a melt down. She is surly, she lies, she doesn't listen....unless she wants something and then she is as sweet as can be, until she finds out she isn't getting it, she is soooo messy. She is constantly screaming and shouting. She is always demanding things. She refuses to talk to me about anything at all.
There is no bullying at school. Nothing has changed recently at home. Her friends are all still the same people, she still sees them and does as much as she always did with them. In fact shes just a ray of sunshine when she is at others homes. Im a moderately strict parent. I have rules, I expect them to be followed. Good gets good and bad gets bad. Her father is a huge issue because he is CONSTANTLY undermining me and no matter how much I talk to him he won't stop(we are together). I know that right there is a huge issue.
But I don't know what else to do? I don't enjoy spending time with my own child anymore. I can't stand being in the same room with her...having her yell at me, treat me like her slave, stare me right in the eye and lie. Her dad is constantly at me to spend more one on one time with her, and I'm trying. But as soon as I say no or mention anything at all that she doesn't like she has an absolute meltdown. Just with me. Her dad rarely says no. But when he does she gets upset for all of fifteen seconds whereas fits with me can go on for hours. Often she can't even say why she was having a wreck in the first place! I've signed us up for a mommy and me class next Saturday, we will be doing some painting, something she loves to do, and I'm dreading it. I can't think of a single scenario where this will go well.
I employ groundings, privelege loss, item loss, and yes....on the very rare occasion even spanking (though she hasn't gotten one of those in over a year). I'm firm on my punishments and they rarely waiver. I welcome discussion on basically anything and have an honesty is the best policy approach on prettty much anything she asks. Including if she wanted to discuss what went wrong or why she was in trouble. I've got infinite amounts of patience normally....I've been a foster parent in the past and needed it. But with my offspring it is basically gone.
I feel like I failed as a mother. She must hate me so much to constantly be like this. I don't know what else to do.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
going on a suggestions for help.
If at all possible I would try and have a sit down with him without any blame going on just that you're concerned..... When puberty hits it's going to be a whole lot worse..... So if you can I would try and start working together now..... Big hug.... I know it has to be hard..... I personally don't agree with any physical punishment...... Hitting anyone else would be assault ya know.......xo
Her father and I were raised very differently. He sees nothing wrong with being lax on rules so after many talks he always tries but soon reverts back to old habits.
I was raised in a strict family because my dad died when I was young and in order for any function to happen we were kept on a short leash until we could prove we didn't need it.
He was raised as not only the baby, but the only son. He got whatever he wanted whenever. I met him when he was 20 and his mom still cleaned his room!!!!
He does get defensive when we talk But he tries....and fails. And pointing out the relapsed makes him so much more upset than the original talk
Maybe look for library books that might give advice.
Try and switch how you are looking at her. I know it is very hard when you can barely stand them, but it will give you a way to make through these hard times in the future. Try finding the things you do love about her, even try to see some of the negatives as positive attributes that she will use as an adult. Like if she is stubburn and only wants things her way, this could translate into her not being easily swayed to do things she shouldn't when she is older, like peer pressure.
Also, try and look every day for the one good thing she does and compliment it. Focus less on the bad. Her world view is just getting a little bigger and that is scary for kids, they don't have the experience and knowledge to make it through like we do. She may not even understand the emotions she is experiencing. They may be new for her or more intense than they used to be. As hard as it is, now more than ever, she needs you there to be by her side, telling her everything will be okay and that you will love her no matter what she says or feels. You just don't have to love the actions she does and help her realize when her actions and choice are wrong, but that she is not a bad person for making mistakes. We all make mistakes. She just needs to feel that she is loved and accepted no matter what. She only knows how to reach out by acting out right now.
Spend time with her doing what she loves, when she acts up, tell her that you cannot be around her when she is this way and come back when she has calmed down. Try making a calm down space for her. She may need to have a peaceful place to calm her intense moods.
I know you can make it through this, or God would not have given her to you. It is hard to love them through the tough phases of life, but don't we as adults also want to be loved through our good and bad times as well? She just needs that strong person that you are, to show her the way through life.
The beauty of her intense feelings, is that she will enjoy life more fully some day. She just needs to learn how to self-regulate and self-sooth herself through these times. There are books and many blogs about helping kids with these very things. I know you will make it through this time, because I have made it through so much with my boy and love him more with every passing day now. It wasn't always easy and I still have days where I feel like the worst mom on the planet. That is all part of being a mom. You are doing great and you will learn and grow with your daughter, which in turn will make your bond stronger some day.
And honestly, she needs a good spanking. No child should ever behave towards their mother the way she is.