Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Reading another person's post made me think of posting this...
My husband works in his family business. Without him, the business would fold. Here's the problem...his mom puts horrible pressure on him at the cost of his health. He is completely stressed out and has very bad self esteem. He feels he is completely worthless and can't do anything right. How do I help him with his self esteem and stress issues? The Doctor has told hubby that he will have a heart attack before he's 40 (currently 32) if he doesn't start to take care of himself (reduce stress, work less, eat better, lose weight, and get more than 4 hours of sleep a night). Hubby works a minimum of 70 hours a week and is never able to leave work for vacations. We have never gone on a vacation and even when he's not at work his phone is ringing. There have been times when we were supposed to do something that I did on my own with the kids (like visiting my family 8 hours away or going to my Grandmother's funeral 20 hours away) because of the pressure his mom puts on him. I used to fight with him over it, but that just made him more stressed; I state my opinion and then let it go because I'm afraid it'll cause a heart attack or breakdown. We also have a 6 year old daughter with special needs along with an ornery (although "normal") 2 year old boy that don't need to see us fighting.
So...how do I help my husband and how do I cope with things? I don't want a divorce but don't know how much longer I can take it. We're already in counseling but no amount of counseling helps husband's self worth. In fact, working on boundaries with his mom seems to make him more stressed and feel worse about himself (mostly because his mom makes life even worse for him when he sets up boundaries we have worked on in counseling). Any Ideas?
My husband works in his family business. Without him, the business would fold. Here's the problem...his mom puts horrible pressure on him at the cost of his health. He is completely stressed out and has very bad self esteem. He feels he is completely worthless and can't do anything right. How do I help him with his self esteem and stress issues? The Doctor has told hubby that he will have a heart attack before he's 40 (currently 32) if he doesn't start to take care of himself (reduce stress, work less, eat better, lose weight, and get more than 4 hours of sleep a night). Hubby works a minimum of 70 hours a week and is never able to leave work for vacations. We have never gone on a vacation and even when he's not at work his phone is ringing. There have been times when we were supposed to do something that I did on my own with the kids (like visiting my family 8 hours away or going to my Grandmother's funeral 20 hours away) because of the pressure his mom puts on him. I used to fight with him over it, but that just made him more stressed; I state my opinion and then let it go because I'm afraid it'll cause a heart attack or breakdown. We also have a 6 year old daughter with special needs along with an ornery (although "normal") 2 year old boy that don't need to see us fighting.
So...how do I help my husband and how do I cope with things? I don't want a divorce but don't know how much longer I can take it. We're already in counseling but no amount of counseling helps husband's self worth. In fact, working on boundaries with his mom seems to make him more stressed and feel worse about himself (mostly because his mom makes life even worse for him when he sets up boundaries we have worked on in counseling). Any Ideas?
I've read many of your posts about your Mother in law... are you saying that she doesn't care about her son's health? Wow, that stinks!
As for his self worth.. try the book "The Four agreements" It's a great little book.. very simple ideas .. but they really work.
I think MIL is too "sick" to care about another human being. What I mean by "sick" is she is incapable of loving or caring about another person unless they do EXACTLY what she wants EXACTLY when she wants. Even then, you can catch hell for some perceived slight variation in her orders; there is no care or concern but merely an attitude of whatever he does is never enough. There are numerous accounts of her making hubby suffer for her gain or because he didn't do what she wanted. She is on prescription pain killers alot due to pain...first it was her shoulder, then her hip, then her knee, now her back (drs don't know what it is...not arthritis or fibromyalgia from what MIL says). I wonder if this is part of the problem.
I will definitely check out the book you recommended. Thanks!
As for your husband's self esteem only he can changes how he feels about himself. When you have a crappy employer and an unsupportive family, it just brings you down. But there may be some small things you can do to show him that he is special to you. Maybe fixing his favourite dinner, give him a nice massage, or bake his favourite cookies, leave him little notes around the house expressing how special he is. Just express to him how much is means to you and even if the world seems like it is against him, you are in his corner. I know when husbands work a lot, there is little time left for the marriage and special little things for each other but somehow you have to make it, even if it is only ten minutes a day.
As for your husbands health.... I cannot express how important it is that he take care of himself! Nothing changes life like a serious illness and you don't want to go there! I speak from personal experience as my hubby was diagnosed with stage three testicular cancer at the age of 31. Praise God he beat the odds and survived but it stole two years from us. Can you talk him into eating better at the very least? Maybe if you make his lunches and changed the home dinner menu? Maybe make some type of contest out of it between the two of you. If he is eating better it will help with some labs, help with some weight loss, and he should feel better altogether. Eating crappy just makes you feel crappy and if he is eating better he should feel better about himself.
Your situation sounds difficult, there is no perfect answer. All we can do is try our best, right? I will say, make sure you are making time for you too. Your family needs you! Best of luck to you.