Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hi ... im a 51 yr old lady who has just left a 29 yrs abusive relationship and has been caring for my mother and father who have health issues... I also have CFS / M.E. and generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD because of issues with my mother and my marriage...
In 2001 after 9/11 we lost my grandmother because the whole thing frightened her and she didnt want to have to live through her 3rd war... i think she had some sort of premonition.. but she went downhill in 1 month... she went from a very lively and active 90 yrs old to a very old scared woman in just over 30 days... she died on the 14 th oct that year..
My grandmother was like my mum... she brought me up along with my uncle who was my mums brother... i was very close to my uncle he was like a big brother... best friend.... he was always there for me...
He couldnt live without his mum , my grandmother , so he took his own life 4 months later in the February 2002...
just before this happened he called me on the 24th feb ... told me he wanted to see me... i went... knowing the bad state of mind he was in.... he basically asked my permission to end his life... i stupidly said yes because i didnt think he would do it...
i found him on the 27th...
my mum and dad have always hated him for what he did and im never allowed to mention his name in thier house... even though he was mums brother and he did so much for them when mum was sick and he looked after me week after week....
Anyway it taken me a good 12 years to come to terms with whats happened... and god i miss him so much....
its taken the same amount of time in therapy and counselling and 3 nervous breakdowns to get through it... yeah i know ive had my husband to deal with but the pain of losing my uncle i just cannot describe to you....
anyway - it is now 2014... my mum and dad are getting older now... in thier 70s.... have a lovely home... most of which my uncle whos not allowed to be mentioned did up for them lol...
They have been talking to me a lot and want me to have the house...when they are gone...... they owe some of the paid off mortgage to equity but i know i will get that when my divorce comes through... so basically as long as i pay it off... my childhoold home will be mine...
they have talking to me about this a lot over the last 2 weeks to make sure they know im going to be okay....
and then they dropped the 'but ' ...........
When my dad was running me home the other night and he VERY CASUALLY talked me about them BOTH ending thier lives immeadialtey if something happened to either one of them....
AFTER EVERYTHING ive been through with the uncle whos not allowed to be mentioned...
i am an only child and everything always seems to fall on my shoulders... i just cannot get my head around the fact that they would PUT this on me after everything i have been through with my uncle.... whos not allowed to be mentioned....
am i being over sensitive or is this just plain cruel and manipulative?
Bearing in mind... that my mother often made fun of me as a child... i was in hospital a lot... was bullied at school and at home i think because of the making fun... whenever she asks me to do something there always seems to be a favour attached... as was with my husband...always had to repay somehow....
what im thinking is this... if they knew what my uncles suicide did to me and my daughters at the time.. they went through absolute hell... and now they are asking me to say its okay to do the same... but in thier eyes the person that ' doesnt exsist ' isnt allowed to be mentioned... is this me being over reactive - over sensitive or s it actual downright cruel and manipulative !... please someone could you give me some good advice...
Thanks x
In 2001 after 9/11 we lost my grandmother because the whole thing frightened her and she didnt want to have to live through her 3rd war... i think she had some sort of premonition.. but she went downhill in 1 month... she went from a very lively and active 90 yrs old to a very old scared woman in just over 30 days... she died on the 14 th oct that year..
My grandmother was like my mum... she brought me up along with my uncle who was my mums brother... i was very close to my uncle he was like a big brother... best friend.... he was always there for me...
He couldnt live without his mum , my grandmother , so he took his own life 4 months later in the February 2002...
just before this happened he called me on the 24th feb ... told me he wanted to see me... i went... knowing the bad state of mind he was in.... he basically asked my permission to end his life... i stupidly said yes because i didnt think he would do it...
i found him on the 27th...
my mum and dad have always hated him for what he did and im never allowed to mention his name in thier house... even though he was mums brother and he did so much for them when mum was sick and he looked after me week after week....
Anyway it taken me a good 12 years to come to terms with whats happened... and god i miss him so much....
its taken the same amount of time in therapy and counselling and 3 nervous breakdowns to get through it... yeah i know ive had my husband to deal with but the pain of losing my uncle i just cannot describe to you....
anyway - it is now 2014... my mum and dad are getting older now... in thier 70s.... have a lovely home... most of which my uncle whos not allowed to be mentioned did up for them lol...
They have been talking to me a lot and want me to have the house...when they are gone...... they owe some of the paid off mortgage to equity but i know i will get that when my divorce comes through... so basically as long as i pay it off... my childhoold home will be mine...
they have talking to me about this a lot over the last 2 weeks to make sure they know im going to be okay....
and then they dropped the 'but ' ...........
When my dad was running me home the other night and he VERY CASUALLY talked me about them BOTH ending thier lives immeadialtey if something happened to either one of them....
AFTER EVERYTHING ive been through with the uncle whos not allowed to be mentioned...
i am an only child and everything always seems to fall on my shoulders... i just cannot get my head around the fact that they would PUT this on me after everything i have been through with my uncle.... whos not allowed to be mentioned....
am i being over sensitive or is this just plain cruel and manipulative?
Bearing in mind... that my mother often made fun of me as a child... i was in hospital a lot... was bullied at school and at home i think because of the making fun... whenever she asks me to do something there always seems to be a favour attached... as was with my husband...always had to repay somehow....
what im thinking is this... if they knew what my uncles suicide did to me and my daughters at the time.. they went through absolute hell... and now they are asking me to say its okay to do the same... but in thier eyes the person that ' doesnt exsist ' isnt allowed to be mentioned... is this me being over reactive - over sensitive or s it actual downright cruel and manipulative !... please someone could you give me some good advice...
Thanks x
With that said, it's time for you to start a new beginning and set some boundaries on conversation topics. I would be very stern the next time this conversation comes up and tell them that you are not willing to have this type of conversation and remind them that your Uncle involved you with his suicide and the repercussions of that to you and your family.
This thought process is not normal and I would refuse to have the conversation with them. As far as being manipulative? I don't know if it's manipulation or they also are suffering from mental illness. I don't think your overly sensitive, I think your parents have just refused to validate how your feelings are affected by their callous behavior.
It's time for you to move forward and set boundaries on what's acceptable behavior in any relationship, parents or not.
In the meantime live your life. 70 is not old so your parents will probably be around for quite a while. Finalize your divorce and look for your own place. Create your own memories, good ones. When the time comes you will be ready to decide what you want.
As to your parents...well it's not unusual for people to reach an age where they worry about dying. It's a scary thing and gets worse the older you get. If they mention that again I would remind them how horrible it was when you uncle did that. Oh and BTW you are 51 years old. If you want to talk about your uncle talk about him. Your parents do not have the right to tell you what you can and can't say.
in a way i do understand his thinking... just before i left my marriage i was so so down... i couldnt see anything good at all but i wanted a better life so i pulled myself out of it...
but for my dad to tell me his plans... oh yes its totally so self centred and me me me me me... selfish isnt the word... its worse...
i have thought about this non stop today and i cannot beleive they would do this to me... yes there have been time that i have questioned thier actions in the past but i this goes way beyond that...
and yes i do think they both have mental issues... i cant seem to have a normal conversation with my mother anymore without her questioning every single i do in the day... its getting to the point where i dont want to answer the phone...
i have tried to get them help and they refuse that... i cant physically look after them anymore because of my health and i need to recover from my marriage...
a friend ...a good friend said to me today... she thinks my parents dont like me being happy at last and i think she may have a point...
im in total shock at what they have said... and thats even before mentioning all the pressure they have just landed me with...
when ive thought this through i honeslty dont think i can live with it... i cant see them in the same light... this is NOT normal at all.....is it?.... the whole of my being is telling me to walk away for my sanity and my health... but you only have one mum and dad.... i just dont know...
ive spent a whole year on my healing and recovery from a man who spent every day trying to gaslight me... make me think im worth nothing... and manipulate me... and now..just when im getting there.,... this happens.... its not normal...
Change is never easy and you have a lot of change going on in your life. Don't expect things to change and be perfect overnight. It takes time for you and those around you to adjust to the changes you put in place.
It's also important to leave the past in the past. Your grandma passed 13 years ago at a good age. Your uncle made his choice and he also has been gone for 13 years. Remember them with good thoughts but let them stay in the past where they belong. Another trick to happy/mentally healthy living is accepting the things that we cannot change. You cannot bring them back and cannot change the circumstances of their passing. So let it go. I don't think they would want you to be so unhappy.
If I were you I would start making a list of the things you want to accomplish. Simple things like getting a plant and more complex things like moving to a different apartment or house or going back to school. Focus on you and the rest will fall into place.
My take on it is that, long story short, your life has been built around dysfunction and toxic relationships- from your abusive husband, to depressive/controlling parents to depression...
Maybe this is coming as a way to get you to the next step in your recovery. Life has a way of raising the bar each time you get better.
You parents' boundary was no talking about your uncle. You boundary can be no talking about suicide and give them a prevention hotline. Or you can call adult protective services and tell then what happened with the conversation with your dad and they can give you some resources.
There is black and white, and there is also grey. Life is best in the grey, but maybe you need to take a break from them for a while. But if you did and then they did a double suicide, you'd feel horrible.
Any way to write them a letter to get out all your thoughts? Could you bring them in to your therapist and talk about things together?
True about the house- get it in writing that you have it, but you may want to sell it instead to start over instead of living in that box of memories.