Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am not sure how to handle this:
My husband throughout the years has been very suspicious of me, constantly calling me a liar, constantly grilling me, and basically showing little or no trust in me. Along with this he gets into rages and can get verbally abusive. Living with him has been like living on a rollercoaster, never knowing when the next curve will come. This has led to a lack of intimacy on a lot of levels including physical intimacy. I do not want to leave him, but he brought up an issue I do not have a resolution to recently:
He asked me to allow more intimacy even if I am not feeling like it, as long as he asks me beforehand. What I told him point blank and I can't speak for other women is this:
I need to be heard, I need to be validated, I need to be respected, and I need to feel safe and loved. The paranoia, the abusive words, all of it do not make me feel any of that. For me physical intimacy is tied in with feeling all the things above, respect, safe, validated, etc. One can not exist without the other. While I see his point, I am not sure I can just push aside my current lack of interest even if he does ask me to do so. While I understand that he wants and needs this (and so do I) I am not a blowup doll. Demanding this, requesting this, whatever, without taking into consideration the emotional factors is a real blow to my face. What should I do?
My husband throughout the years has been very suspicious of me, constantly calling me a liar, constantly grilling me, and basically showing little or no trust in me. Along with this he gets into rages and can get verbally abusive. Living with him has been like living on a rollercoaster, never knowing when the next curve will come. This has led to a lack of intimacy on a lot of levels including physical intimacy. I do not want to leave him, but he brought up an issue I do not have a resolution to recently:
He asked me to allow more intimacy even if I am not feeling like it, as long as he asks me beforehand. What I told him point blank and I can't speak for other women is this:
I need to be heard, I need to be validated, I need to be respected, and I need to feel safe and loved. The paranoia, the abusive words, all of it do not make me feel any of that. For me physical intimacy is tied in with feeling all the things above, respect, safe, validated, etc. One can not exist without the other. While I see his point, I am not sure I can just push aside my current lack of interest even if he does ask me to do so. While I understand that he wants and needs this (and so do I) I am not a blowup doll. Demanding this, requesting this, whatever, without taking into consideration the emotional factors is a real blow to my face. What should I do?
this is hard for me to write but i'm going to share my experience. my ex-husband did not trust me. I was never unfaithful nor did I ever give him any reason to be unfaithful ... even during intercourse he'd say, 'i know you've been with someone today.' he'd turn nasty, downright mean. i couldn't go anywhere with friends, nor could i take any college classes at night. he raped me if i refused to have sex.
what i learned while we were going through our divorce is that the entire time we were married he had girlfriends. he felt so guilty that he tried to place his guilt on me and since i was 'clueless' i was so confused. i told him when i felt angry at him i didn't want intimacy. he didn't care. he used to say, 'i've let you guys down--meaning me and our kids.' but i didn't know what he meant until the divorce.
i told him, my ex, when we were divorced, "ya know what bud, sex and intimacy for most women is between the ears' so when you treated me like crap during the day, which was just about every day, i didn't want intamacy at all. he used to force my head on his p**** and sometimes it took all of my strength not to bite it off. pretty twisted of me but that's how angry i got ... after all, i was just his 'property.'
find out why he is "...suspicious of me, calls me a liar, shows little or no trust in me. Along with this he gets into rages and can get verbally abusive..."
a reasonable or rational person would have no reason to make you feel like a liar and be suspicious of you.
my ex-husband still denies having girlfriends all during our marriage. but his own sister told me the truth and i found pictures of him and his girlfriends...
sounds like something is wrong with your husband and he's trying to take his guilt out on you.
i don't know what you can do except to seek a therapist (here we go again searching for a therapist) and let the therapist hear what you've said here and perhaps your husband will join in ... and state why he's trying to put a guilt trip on you and you've done nothing to deserve this treatment.
something is not right in this relationship IMHO.
Does he have girlfriends...I don't know. I've done some investigating but no evidence of that. Is he blaming me for his own actions, maybe?'
I do plan on going to the therapist but yes for women sex is between the ears. When you have been abused and invalidated verbally it's hard to have any interest in sensuality or intimacy.
What should you do. Kick him to the curb and find someone who will make you happy and treat you like you should be. He will not change.