Family Issues Support Group

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Evil MIL

maebeth
maebeth
Seriously, how low can you go? My husband is receiving an award at our church. It's a surprise and I had to invite family/friends to Mass and a spaghetti dinner afterwards. I invited both of his parents, 3 siblings, and some friends. His mom found out his father (her ex-husband of just over 18 months) was invited and is coming because hubby's sisters tell mommy everything so she'll continue paying them under the table from the company my husband co-owns with her behind hubby's back(that is another issue, lol). She tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to invite hubby's dad, then told me he was to sit separate from my hubby, me and our kids because SHE is sitting with us. My original plan was her on one side, hubby and family in middle, and his dad on other side. I refused to tell his dad any of it. So she took it upon herself to email her ex (hubby's dad) threatening him if he shows up that he'll go to jail as she's planning on getting a restraining order. It was made very clear to me that she doesn't see him as a threat, but doesn't want him showing up and embarrassing her at HER church (funny thing is, my husband and I go almost every week and she's been their twice in 2012...once for her birthday because hubby said he'd take her out for dinner after and once for Christmas Eve because hubby invited her out of pity). Hubby's dad was never faithful and she divorced him after he crossed legal lines putting cameras in the women's restroom at the family business. Which she found the camera but refused to turn him in because it would look bad. My husband turned it over to the police upon being told (day she found them). It's all about appearances and having complete control for her. I'm so angry that she thinks she can ban someone from going to church because she doesn't like them. I don't know how I'm going to sit through the Mass and award afterward. My FIL called me to tell me he won't be attending and why. I can understand why and told him so but that he was still invited. How am I going to stomach going to Mass that day and sitting with her? She's wrong and evil. Worse yet my husband knows nothing because this is supposed to be a surprise for him. I'm afraid of what his mother will do to ruin it for him.
Shai
Shai
wow...the distance some people are willing to go...!

i was gonna suggest telling your husband, but good thing you mentioned (for the second time in your post) that it was a surprise.

what to do...what to do...that is a TRIP that MIL thinks she can BAN someone from going to church. i think it's a shame that FIL won't be going. he shouldn't let her intimidate him that way. yeah, he messed up, but MIL hasn't made any report (restraining order), therefore, he isn't breaking any laws.

people have the freedom to go to church if they want!! n plus, FIL will be there to support n honor his son's accomplishment!

that's the same as inviting parents to a college graduation. they're there to support their CHILD. they (meaning MIL) should put her personal issues with FIL aside for the sake of her CHILD. she's being SELFISH.

try to convince FIL to STILL go. will your husband want him to be there?? (i mean, if your husband knew what it was for, would he want his father to be there?) if he would want his dad to be there, let FIL know that his attendance/presence would mean so much to him (his son).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Knew this post had to be by you from the title...some things never change. I have to agree with Shai. I would try calling your FIL again and tell him that it would mean a lot to your husband for him to attend. Church is a big place and I'm sure the two of them could manage to keep separate.

I'd also tell your MIL that she has no right to contact your guest. And if she has a problem maybe she should stay home.

I had a similar situation with my mil years ago. She tried to tell me who I should invite to a party at my house. My son's godparents were divorced and she felt that his godfather should be left out of everything. We told her to butt out. In the end the godfather asked to come over another day to spare everyone the discomfort. I'm sorry to say that we have lost touch with him over the years, partly because of my MIL and her wicked ways.
deleted_user
deleted_user
She sounds like a woman with a lot of issues to me and needs professional help. None the less since your Father in law has decided not to attend you might want to plan a night with just him and ur hubby to celebrate his award.

It really doesn't matter when it takes place to congratulate your hubby I just think for the time being go ahead and attend the mass as planned and try not to let your MIL bother you because you have the power to control how her behavior affects you. Personally I have always made it a point to not deal with stupid so in saying that she really has no power to ruin the night.

Furthermore you can pick another night to invite your FIL to a special supper with your hubby and celebrate the happy occasion as I feel you will all enjoy that very much. That way everyone can be happy it will be peaceful and no drama. Hope this helps a bit. Wishing you the very best:)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I really feel for you. I have a wonderful MIL who defends me to hubby...lol. I am wondering if you could invite FIL to your place for dinner or supper and just have a private celebration without MIL. That way hubby will have a double surprise. There is not much you can do to change MIL unfortunately. She will continue to distance people in her relationship with them if she continues to pull this garbage and I say - let her.

Sometimes it is good to keep them separate if she is threatening him with a restraining order...for his sake.

Hope this helps!

nosnhoja
annieheart
annieheart
If your father in law put cameras in the ladies room and the police found out.,that is a good reason for your mom in law not to want to be in church with him.She must be mortified by this.Not much time has passed her emotional wounds must be deep.
I think she needs family to stand by her.He chose to be a pervert and break the law.I can see why she can not deal with this.When your hubby turned the camera over to the police it became public.
It sounds as if you have no compassion for what this woman has been through.I would not wish this on any woman.
maebeth
maebeth
I do have compassion for my MIL. I could have chosen not to allow her to sit with us or even invite her because of her nasty behavior towards me and our 7 year old with autism. This would have been wrong as it's her son's award. My husband turned his father in to stop the behavior from hurting anyone else. He did the right thing. It forced his father into counseling and moving through legal channels to prevent this from happening again as best as my husband possibly could through legal channels. Hiding it would have been wrong, allowed FIL to continue behavior, and hurt more people (possibly escalating to even worse forms). Also, she does not have the right to control Mass or keep her son away from his father just because she wants to any more than I have the right to make her sit separate due to her treatment of our daughter and me. If she does not wish to attend, there is nothing saying she has to. Also if she wants to sit separate because of the stress, that is a perfectly good option as well. She is causing a problem instead of being an adult about this.
annieheart
annieheart
I am sorry but what you father in law did makes my stomache turn.I only can imagine how this has effected his wife emotionaly.You act as if he had a one night stand and dont remember,These are sexual crimes.I would not want him around my children.I dont understand how you are so excepting of this.I am not sying your hubby was not wright.It sounds like you have problems with your mom in law and you are using your father in law to up set her.I find it weird you are more bitter towards her than him.I am sorry I offend you .I just dont see how you are not more bitter about the sexual crimes he committed.
maebeth
maebeth
I was very angry at him and didn't have any contact with him for about the first year. I did alot of counseling during that time and continue to do some. We set boundaries with him and he has followed them. He doesn't contact me or the kids directly for example about visiting...must go through husband. We also only see him in public (restaurant or park usually). We see him maybe 3 times a year. He doesn't bother me so much because he's admitted he's sick and follows/respects our family's boundaries for him. My MIL has beat and screamed at grandchildren in my children's presence which sends my daughter into a panic. She continually violates boundaries that we set up, so we have had no choice but to limit contact with her. She has tried to pick up my children behind my and hubby's back to the point the daycare lady threatened to call police. She called me instead. Both of them are toxic and have done horrible things. My FIL is trying to change and follows our boundaries(although, I will likely never feel ok with him being around me and the kids without hubby present). My MIL does not acknowledge her problems and blames everything on other people. She continues to beat and scream at grandkids behind their parents backs. My husband witnesses this as do I. She isn't allowed to be around our kids without hubby's or my presence yet she tells my daughter things like I'll pick you up if mommy and daddy don't come over with you this weekend (when she thinks I'm out of ear shot). This is after hubby said we weren't coming over. Yep, both are toxic. Big difference...one admits he's got a problem, is in counseling, and respects our family boundaries while the other denies it, blames everyone around her, and is a habitual offender of clear boundaries. I can forgive the first, but the latter continues to stress our family (especially our daughter with autism) so I have no patience for her crap nor should I. It's church...be an adult or don't come.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Macbeth I applaud the way you are dealing with your fil. As you said he has a sickness. He deserves a chance to live again but you set the boundaries and rules. Love it!

We have a friend who is a convicted sex offender. Not sure exactly what he did and its not my business. He's a wonderful person and I have no problem having him in our lives. But my kids are aware and know that my husband or I have to be present when they are around him.

We can't expect people to change and heal if we constantly shun them. Turn the other cheek but keep your eyes open.
annieheart
annieheart
I understand the way you feel if your mom im laws around if she treats your kids badly.Just keep in mind that If a person admidts their wrong because they want better or cause they got caught and are scared.It sounds like your being careful.I wish you the best.We all so have to deal with toxic people in our family.I have no problem with cutting off all ties.The only problem is other family members want to be involved when we do.I wish you and all your family the best.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dont know what to say to ease the current situation, but i definitely feel your pain! 5 yrs ago I removed my mother in law from all aspects of my life & a yr after that she upped the stakes to make me remove her existance from my kids' life! I am not a hateful person and would never pull family from my children w/o just cause.
I know you cant address the prob to dh because of the event being a surprise but soon as you can following the event I would sit dh down ans have a discussion about mil's interferances in your lives and make a plan to correct how her behavior affects your lives & plan to have it discusses w mil to be sure she knows it will not be tolerated. Good luck!
maebeth
maebeth
Well, MIL is truly self consuming and nasty. She showed up 15 minutes late to church. I held her spot until 5 minutes into church, but with it being packed I let it go because I wasn't sure she was coming afterall. She came (with her daughter's 4 year old which irritates my husband that she can't spend quality time with just his family and she knows this as hubby has pointed this out in counseling) and TOLD a man sitting next to my husband to move so she could sit there. He moved to sit by himself thereby having to sit apart from his wife and daughter. I was horrified. Thankfully, I know the wife and she understood the situation. Once hubby saw her behavior for himself, he refused to sit with her at the dinner or interact with her at all. He wasn't very happy about the threat to his father either. We now have another counseling appointment for next week. These do absolutely nothing other than allow MIL to whine and cry about how I'm manipulating her son. The counselor tells her that she needs individual counseling to learn not to take things so personally. And the cycle continues.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Glad your dh had his day and tho mil "made her presence known" good people see the truth of her behavior, including dh. Unfortunately, Im not sure counswling with her is gonna be the answer. I think thw better answer is communication and counseling within your immediate family to take the steps of not allowing or enabling her improper behaviors. With people like our mils the old saying holds true: can't teach an old dog new tricks. Women like them have been this way all their lives, it has been excuses and allowed for so long that it works foe them. More often than not they get their way becausw no one wants to deal w the aftermath of mils wrath. Its easier to bend to her early warnings than weather the storms. Dont expect dh to stay mad, she is his mama & not matter how big & bad they are they'll always be mamas boys... but you both need to set the rules and boundaries for mil and you will have to be strong in enforcing them because he won't be. Good luck!
maebeth
maebeth
I've been at this quite awhile. You are right on with everything you said. Boundaries are essential. We do go to couples counseling (different counselor than the one we go to with her). In group counseling, I was often attacked by MIL and the counselor allowed it or tried to get a happy compromise. When the counselor saw that I was following his advice by being open to sitting with her at church with the kids but she wasn't bothering to come...demanding everything take place in her home...the counselor realized the truth. Took him a couple of months though. Now she runs her mouth. The counselor tells her why that isn't the boundary or plan. She cries and throws a fit which leads him to recommend individual counseling. Not productive at all. Couples counseling has helped, however. Hubby sees the value in our boundaries but is too much of a wimp to enforce them. This is better than where we were a year ago. We fight alot less over it. I don't have much faith he will ever stand up to his mother and then not cave after, but it's progressing forward. I used to be the "bad guy" but hubby sees his mother for what she is. It helps that shes gotten really nasty in the last 18 months after I quit letting her babysit the kids EVER. Her temper with hitting and screaming had gone down hill. I could no longer trust her not to hit and scream at my kids behind my back.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was wondering how it went. Sounds about right, but I guess it could have been worse.

If I were you I'd be making plans to get away from mama, both emotionally and geographically. I know your husband is in a family business but sometimes your emotional health is more important than money. So start talking about moving and how you can make that happen. Maybe he can start his own company somewhere else..I bet the customers would come to him over mama.

People don't change. So if you and your husband want things to get better mama needs to be out of your lives. Been there, done that.
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