Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I don't know if anyone on this board has dealt with adult children after a divorce, but I'll give this a shot. More than anything, I feel I need to just write down my feelings instead of a letter to my 4 daughters that I may regret later. Also, I guess I'm looking for support more than advice. I know no one in real life who is in my position, so no one to talk to who has "walked a mile in my shoes". I'll try to keep this brief.
My ex husband divorced me back in 2007 after 24 years of marriage. We have 4 daughters together who are now, 30, 29, 27 and 23. It has been nothing but a struggle since then between me and my daughters. I feel like I've been fighting a "custody" battle for equality and fairness since then and am ready to just disengage. I have been hurt so many times by them because they favor their father over me that I'm at the point of just cutting them out of my life completely. To not have them be a part of my life at all, I feel will easier than to just keep taking the pain they dish out. I HAVE been in therapy and what I learned is to set boundaries with those who hurt me...in this case, my daughters.
My daughters grew up mostly with their father's family who live close by. I have no family here, so they are much closer obviously to their father's family than mine. My ex also still lives in the home we shared which doesn't help the situation. We have both remarried and I live in a condo nearby. I have spent 7 years being hurt on the holidays due to my children choosing to spend every one with that family making ME feel like the secondary parent. I have asked them to be fair and they only want things THEIR way...what is comfortable for THEM. My older 2 daughters live out of state and when they come home, stay at their father's and not at my place. My daughters feel uncomfortable around my husband as he has expressed his disrespect for them (which they overheard) due to the way they have treated me. I try to accept that I am the "left out" parent, but it is SO hard. I love my daughters more than anything, but feel pain every time they come "home" (meaning their father's house) and spend every holiday with him and his family. I was supposed to move out of state in 2010, but ended up meeting my current husband and staying here. I know I should keep my mouth shut and just keep "taking the pain" of feeling less loved, less important, but it is SO hard. I feel like if they want me in their lives, they will bend a bit and meet me halfway. I'm ready to tell them to treat me as if I lived out of state and visit their parents at separate times. If one time they visit one, then the next time they visit the other. The only other solution is to stay equal amounts of time at both parents when they DO visit. To me, these are the boundaries I need to set in order to avoid the pain they inflict. As adults, they are certainly entitled to do whatever they wish, but at what point do adult children take other's feelings into consideration? I've pretty much had enough and am ready to shut them out of my life completely until that day happens. My 27 year old has pretty much done that with the entire family, so I believe I'll be next. I feel like my family is totally broken. My ex said during the divorce that it felt like "the 5 of us over here" and "him over there". He knew by divorcing me that the girls would still favor him due to him having "family" and being in the home they were raised in. So, HIS family isn't broken. Mine is.
All I ever wanted is to close to my daughters. I raised them pretty much alone (their father worked a lot). I was the one to praise them, encourage them to follow their dreams, and was there with a sympathetic ear. As adults though, I feel very judged by them for marrying the man I did. I feel like they view me as the parent who always causes problems for them when they come "home" and at the holidays due to my feeling secondary to their father and his family. I have been in therapy for this and am at the point of setting boundaries. I have no doubt my daughters love me and they know I love them, but am tired of feeling "less than". I feel like I've been through a battle and am ready to just end it and be done. If they want me in their lives, I feel they need to meet me halfway and not have it be all THEIR way...which it has been since the divorce. I just want to disengage until the time they grow up and can see my side of things. I feel like I try so hard to stay in communication with them and get little in return. I do see their side...their father lives in the family home and it is with HIS family they are comfortable. I get it. But, there are 2 sides to every story and they are only willing to see their own. I just need to step back, disengage and quit allowing them to hurt me for a while. Will it hurt NOT to have them in my life? Of course, but I'm tired of being in tears and having my heart ripped out every holiday and every time they come home...but, not to MY home. :(
Thanks for listening...and if there is anyone out there who is at all in my boat, please come forward. It's always nice to know you're not alone.
My ex husband divorced me back in 2007 after 24 years of marriage. We have 4 daughters together who are now, 30, 29, 27 and 23. It has been nothing but a struggle since then between me and my daughters. I feel like I've been fighting a "custody" battle for equality and fairness since then and am ready to just disengage. I have been hurt so many times by them because they favor their father over me that I'm at the point of just cutting them out of my life completely. To not have them be a part of my life at all, I feel will easier than to just keep taking the pain they dish out. I HAVE been in therapy and what I learned is to set boundaries with those who hurt me...in this case, my daughters.
My daughters grew up mostly with their father's family who live close by. I have no family here, so they are much closer obviously to their father's family than mine. My ex also still lives in the home we shared which doesn't help the situation. We have both remarried and I live in a condo nearby. I have spent 7 years being hurt on the holidays due to my children choosing to spend every one with that family making ME feel like the secondary parent. I have asked them to be fair and they only want things THEIR way...what is comfortable for THEM. My older 2 daughters live out of state and when they come home, stay at their father's and not at my place. My daughters feel uncomfortable around my husband as he has expressed his disrespect for them (which they overheard) due to the way they have treated me. I try to accept that I am the "left out" parent, but it is SO hard. I love my daughters more than anything, but feel pain every time they come "home" (meaning their father's house) and spend every holiday with him and his family. I was supposed to move out of state in 2010, but ended up meeting my current husband and staying here. I know I should keep my mouth shut and just keep "taking the pain" of feeling less loved, less important, but it is SO hard. I feel like if they want me in their lives, they will bend a bit and meet me halfway. I'm ready to tell them to treat me as if I lived out of state and visit their parents at separate times. If one time they visit one, then the next time they visit the other. The only other solution is to stay equal amounts of time at both parents when they DO visit. To me, these are the boundaries I need to set in order to avoid the pain they inflict. As adults, they are certainly entitled to do whatever they wish, but at what point do adult children take other's feelings into consideration? I've pretty much had enough and am ready to shut them out of my life completely until that day happens. My 27 year old has pretty much done that with the entire family, so I believe I'll be next. I feel like my family is totally broken. My ex said during the divorce that it felt like "the 5 of us over here" and "him over there". He knew by divorcing me that the girls would still favor him due to him having "family" and being in the home they were raised in. So, HIS family isn't broken. Mine is.
All I ever wanted is to close to my daughters. I raised them pretty much alone (their father worked a lot). I was the one to praise them, encourage them to follow their dreams, and was there with a sympathetic ear. As adults though, I feel very judged by them for marrying the man I did. I feel like they view me as the parent who always causes problems for them when they come "home" and at the holidays due to my feeling secondary to their father and his family. I have been in therapy for this and am at the point of setting boundaries. I have no doubt my daughters love me and they know I love them, but am tired of feeling "less than". I feel like I've been through a battle and am ready to just end it and be done. If they want me in their lives, I feel they need to meet me halfway and not have it be all THEIR way...which it has been since the divorce. I just want to disengage until the time they grow up and can see my side of things. I feel like I try so hard to stay in communication with them and get little in return. I do see their side...their father lives in the family home and it is with HIS family they are comfortable. I get it. But, there are 2 sides to every story and they are only willing to see their own. I just need to step back, disengage and quit allowing them to hurt me for a while. Will it hurt NOT to have them in my life? Of course, but I'm tired of being in tears and having my heart ripped out every holiday and every time they come home...but, not to MY home. :(
Thanks for listening...and if there is anyone out there who is at all in my boat, please come forward. It's always nice to know you're not alone.
I'm not in your position, but you sound very level headed and are doing what you need to do to keep yourself on an even keel.
The only thing I can suggest is to just keep the door open a crack and try not to keep tabs on the other household.
Once your daughters become mothers, you may find that they come to you... or not. Just make it easy for them to want to by just being nice but with no strings. Offer to be there. If they decline, so be it. But if they DO decide to want to let you back into their lives, make it easy for them so they don't ever think they'll be judged. (Not saying you do.)
My mother and I have had a VERY rocky past, but we are pretty decent now. I feel like she loves me and respects my choices and I have learned to do the same. It's nice to be able to vent to her and have her listen and not worry that it's going to be used as ammunition. But we have a big history; I'm not picking up on any of that from what you wrote.
So, pull back, but keep things open and airy.
Best of luck.
I'm divorced too.
I kept the house, and I have primary custody. My ex's job took him across the country. Is it fair that he barely gets to see his kids...no.
His is the family with relatives. So when my ex is here, I never get the kids "on" the holidays. That's okay. Our special day just gets to be more special and I do it early or late. It's more about the chance to see extended relatives than a contest between my ex and me, and it's certainly not about ripping my heart out, because they're choosing to be with him.
My advice is this. If it just hurts too much, then yes, get distance. But "boundaries" aren't what you make someone else do. It's what you decide for yourself. Your kids will likely see your "boundaries" as controlling and not understanding their issues.
Remember too, that when kids come back "home", it's often more about running around and seeing old friends, than sitting down with their parents for hours. You may be jealous of something that's not even happening over at the old house.
My best advice is to pick another time of the year. And organize a get together for the five of you. Perhaps you could all go on a yearly weekend getaway? Just the 5 girls? Go skiing, or the beach, shopping, camping or Vegas... I'd pick someplace where there are choices of things to do.