Family Issues Support Group

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Cant get out of the rut...

Mossyhorn
Mossyhorn
I cant seem to get out of the rut of resentments toward my spouse, our marriage fell apart a few years ago, we did nothing but argue, and it ended when I found out she was an addict and was cheating on me two years ago. She got clean while we were apart and we reconciled, I thought it the right thing to do by my children, and believed I could get over things with time since she was clean and seemed sincere. We remarried about 6 months ago, however she was using again and hiding it from me. We fell right back into the same rut of arguing, and her actions that I thought were a thing of the past continued to bring up so many hurt feelings that anger dwelled in me most of the time. I committed her to a rehab facility about a month and a half ago, she is out and now attending meetings daily, twice daily on most days, and even though she is doing the right thing I am going through what I know I should ignore, feeling left out, feeling last on the list of her priorities, getting overwhelmed with resentments toward her. There is not any therapists close to where I live, it is hard to get to al-anon meetings due to my small children and her having meetings that take priority over what I want to do, it is taking a toll on me, and definately killing what is left of our relationship. I am mainly venting, don't know what to do to salvage my sanity or our marriage.
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
"I committed her to a rehab facility about a month and a half ago"


Although you mean well, this codependency will not assist her with sobriety.
She will only get clean when she wants to.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with Blindsidedagain.

"......I am going through what I know I should ignore, feeling left out, feeling last on the list of her priorities, getting overwhelmed with resentments toward her."
Your feelings are important and not to be ignored.

Contact any number of social service agencies out there who can direct you to proper help. You can find them in the phone book under counceling. I know Catholic Social Services is one agency, and there are others.
LindaJean
LindaJean
Can't your wife share a bit here? I would think that you could share the responsibilities of the children and each of you attend the meetings that you need to go to.

I would sit down and talk to her about this. Your mental health is just as important as hers is.
Mossyhorn
Mossyhorn
Linda, I agree with you. I don't think it too much to ask if I am doing whatever she needs to attend her meetings 6 days a week then she can do the same for me 1 day. I did talk to her about it. she did not really give me an answer one way or the other. The counselors at the rehab drive it into your head that you should go to 90 meetings in 90 days, go to 2 meetings a day if you can, if you think about using go to another meeting. I think they have the patient in mind for recovery, but it is obvious that they do not have the patients family in mind for recovery. I don't know, seems like every day is a new day for her and her focus is on the last 50 days, and I am struggling to deal with everything that has happened over the last 2.5 years.
lchoppel
lchoppel
Do you have any family members you could call on to to watch the kids? You need to take care of you too!
annieheart
annieheart
Check into alanon it is a group for people who love and are trying to cope with an addict.It is verry hard when a family member has an addiction it effects the whole family.You do not say the age of your children,they might benefit from some family counsilng too.When my brother in-law moved in with us after his rehab stay,He invited a friend he met and his wife over.We had a nice time.Maybe one night after her meeting you can meet up with her and go for coffee and conversation.But alanon is so helpful for the family.Good luck to you and your family.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Alanon meetings would be very beneficial to you. Let your wife heal herself, you need to heal you. There are reasons that she is this way and it has nothing to do with you. So don't blame yourself. I agree with a couple of other posts about codependency. Be there for her without being her caretaker even though you may feel a strong need to. I lived with an alcoholic mom for 14 years. I had to take care of her when she was supposed to be taking care of me. Codependency was a hard habit to break for the longest time. There is a book that helped me along called "Codependent No More." You may find it insightful and helpful.
I hope that you find some piece of mind soon. just be there for your children, during this time you are going to be very needed.
Question: Did she want to go to therapy or did you give her an ultimatum? I don't want to assume she went against her will.
Mossyhorn
Mossyhorn
She is an RN, and was working the ER when she had a "black out", she called me and told me they were running tests on her and that she was very light headed. I knew right then she was high, as a matter of fact I found an empty pill bottle that day about 3 hours earlier in her jewlery cabinet. I went to the ER, the Dr. that was working is a friend that she has worked with for about 7-8 years, I showed him the bottle, he said he had already asked that a drug screen be done and that he had suspected her abuse for some time. He confronted her and said she would be turned into the state board of nursing, and lose her job/license for sure and for good if she did not go to rehab, I told her if she didn't go there was no need in coming home, she wouldn't live there anymore. She went, was in denial for two weeks, but she stayed in about 40 days and is convincing when she says it was the best thing to happen to her. But she has proven "jailhouse" religion is something she gets, but this time if she chooses to keep her livelyhood she will be drug tested for about 18 months or so. I didn't really make her go, she was presented with her rock bottom in her face, do this or be homeless and jobless. I agree it would have been more of a lesson to her if she were homeless and jobless for a period of time, but time will tell on her with her recovery.

With or without her I need to get myself back in order, I am going to attend my first Al-anon meeting tonight.
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