Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My mother and I are close.
My brother and I are close.
My brother and mother do not get along but my brother has developed mommy issues I don't understand (but I am not him so I can't really tell him how to feel based on only what I know) and he has stopped talking to our mother but has not told her why. Our mother has in turn stopped reaching out to him. But they both complain about the other to me and I don't think it's my place to tell my mom what my brother is struggling with or to tell my brother what my mom discusses with me.
Now, here's what I'm unsure about my feelings on.
My mother turns 60 this month. She never got in to a committed relationship after my father died some twenty plus years ago so she never got special anniversaries. So birthdays are even more special. My younger sister and I have spent months planning her a suprise party. We informed all of our immediate family about it just over three months ago, the extended family about two months ago. My brother never really committed himself though his wife said she and the girls would be there.
****side note**** his best friend and our mother share a birthday
Now six weeks ago he suddenly tells me that he and his best bud have weekend concert tickets to a concert out of town that they purchased like six or seven months ago. I don't know any concert that sells tickets that far in advance but I kept my mouth shut because I know my brother doesn't react well to irritation. He tells me he has someone who would be willing to buy his one ticket and go with his bud the first day of the concert and then he could go up the second day and spend the second day with his bud so that he could make our mothers party.
Then last week (the party is on the 11th) he tells me he is going to the concert all weekend. That he had it planned first and since he isn't close with mom it's no big deal.
But to me, and I'm sure our mother, it IS a big deal. I know she is going to notice his glaring absence. And I'm terrified it is going to make her cry (she has recently started seeing a counseller and is a bit emotional due to finally facing some of the stuff in her past) and once again I'm going to be stuck trying to defend my brother. To make it worse his wife will be there and if she hears mom say anything bad against my brother she will most likely lose her mind, take her kids and go. She is the sort of wife who stands behind her man no matter what.
So I'm suprisingly angry at my brother. I can't remember the last time I was this mad. We generally get along fantastically. He is upset with me right now about something else but I think it feels so big to me because I am so upset with him about the party. But I don't actually know if I am justified in my anger. Or if I'm just projecting my anger and irritation about other things in my life on to him
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
.My brother and I are estranged probably if I'm truthful it's because we are too much alike at times and I imagine it's much the same for your mother and brother.... At least that's often the case
I would tell your brother that you're really hurt and then let it go... I imagine he's upset and hurt as well and may not know what to do....
I would also tell both your brother and mother not to discuss 'their' problems with each other with you anymore.... They're adults and can either work it out or not.....
Anger is a secondary emotion and masks fear, frustration or hurt.....
I hope your party goes well..... Big hug.....xo
At certain times, we each allow the awkward circumstances or the uncomfortable conditions of our lives to determine how we feel. And there are "touchy" types of barriers now between you, your mother & your brother which do determine a rage of emotional energy. It is very possible that each of you are trying to control the situation in your own way & this is frustrating because there is no agreeable correlation between the circumstances of each of your personal & strong desires. However, I do see a hope in "you" by which this hope is a healthy means for seeking through a close relationship between you & brother. Yet in order to move forward, you have to allow your mother & her son to resolve their own conflict. And you can only connect your feelings to that in which your brother assures as promising or hopeful to you; though separate from how he feels of your mother. I'd recommend just leaving your trust in your relationship with each one as a separate attachment. As you've hinted that before this situation with her birthday your relationship was tolerable yet not as well as expected. Then it is likely that you are angered only temporarily, because this barrier has erected just recently, and it is interfering with the quality of your personal relationship with that of both mother & brother. I sympathize with how awful you feel that things are not working out as you perceive is best.
Please don't allow the pattern of your brother's behavior to discourage you. He may one day regret to have exempted himself from this birthday event. I imagine how hurtful it is for your mother too. I'm saddened by this. And I hope that in the midst of sorrow her birthday is still a peaceful one. There is a new morning, mercifully, everyday, and she still has your faith to live for. Bless you.
✘♥✘♥••♥••hugs!••♥•• гє๓เคђ
My family dynamic is REALLY messed up. I actually think my brother is running away instead of facing the difficult and that's why he is claiming he has no connection with our mom. I think he has literally convinced himself of it so that he doesn't have to face things that did happen when we were younger.
Our dad died when I was 7 and he was 13. He was already bullied. He was over six feet by that time but he wore black and moped around. The year after dad died got worse and worse and worse for my brother. And then he was accused of a crime. There was no proof except the word of one person but it was there...hanging over him. So my mom made the decision to put him in a foster home across the province for four years. Where he could start fresh. For the first year he was allowed minimal contact with his family as per CPS's rules. After that my mom talked to him on the phone as often as she could....he was a teenage boy...he didn't want to talk on the phone. And when we could afford it we travelled the 8 hours to visit him. That only happened a few times in the four years. There were 5 of us and only a single mother paying for the trips costs.
My brother never faced what happened in his home town. He was raced away from it. He ran away from it. And I honestly think instead of facing that he projects his feelings about it (and I'm sure some of them are warranted) on our mom. But it's also not my place nor my job as the only family member he has a realtionship with to tell him what I think.
You see, your family has not yet had the opportunity to grow in deepest & most enduring ways. Thus, the bridge that moves each of you toward recovery has to be built, of strong supportive understanding & caring love, and even by this way a modest change will still take many advancing years before you may even notice a slight yet positive progress. Nonetheless, you still have hope because a time of challenge comes onward naturally with a time of growth. And it really helps as others will accept a course of growth as a point to signal in the discipline, pushing the hard feelings aside to those of tender feelings. And the goal here is that this operation of emotional change will mean that your brother will be encouraged more so to care for the welfare of your mother. I'd suggest having a conversation with him about your deepest & darkest fears, which is the idea of her passing on. Sometimes solemn ideas growing out of the possibility of death or loss may turn the negative ways or stubborn behavior toward compassionate goals & which further brings the sympathetic heart out of the dust of useless, careless emotions & inspires new insights to a productive attitude, often this painful adjustment includes maturity of thinking or taking responsibility for previous actions. I really do hope that all crises is resolved before any regrets prevail, however. Best to your mother - she has done her best, I'm sure.
You are being triangulated and your allowing yourself to be triangulated. You are a grown up! You're mother and brother are grown ups! This means that you ARE NOT responsible for(and to) them!! It isn't your duty to be intermediary and/or peace maker!!
They are the ONLY ones responsible for(and to) their individual selves!! They ARE THE ones who created(and perpetrated;as well as continue to perpetrate)this mess! They ARE THE ONLY ones who have a duty to their individual selves(and each other) to end this! They're THE ONLY ones who have that duty,that responsibility,and are THE ONLY ones who can make that decision!!!
They are NOT your duty and they are NOT your responsibility! You AREN'T the one who created this mess,you AREN'T the one perpetrating this mess,and you AREN'T the one who can end this mess!!!
You're first(and ONLY) responsibility is towards yourself-NOT THEM!! You're first duty is towards yourself-NOT THEM!! The ONLY obligation you have towards them is to love them in a healthy(a.k.a neutral) manner! If their not willing to accept a neutral,non-involved,love and their not willing to respect you(and whatever rules(and boundaries) you put up) than reduce contact with them,go no contact,or do a gradual process where(as you start your own recovery)you reduce contact and(as you progress in your recovery and then get to the point where you believe(and feel) you're strong enough to)go no contact.
Remember that your worth it!!!