Hi Sophias: When you say what kind of pathetic man he is, you should also ask yourself why your sister feels it is okay for her children to endure all this. If she wants to do it that's her choice, but she shouldn't be putting her children through it.

If you call Childrens Protective Services, they will check it out and probably remove the kids from this mess. Your sister would have to do many things in order to get the kids back, and that may include getting rid of her boyfriend and getting a GED, getting job training, and eventually getting a job and getting off welfare. But again, they can insist that if he is there smoking weed and drinking that he goes and she would have to abide by that and make sure he didn't come back.

You know, I don't make it a habit to blame battered women. She has been in abusive relationships her whole life, and although this guy doesn't hit her he verbally and emotionally abuses her and has isolated her from all friends and family, she doesn't have any friends left and she doesn't have anywhere to go and he's already promised to have friends lie about her to CPS if she tries to leave him, he has kept her so controlled and isolated that she ha no resources and no money because he controls every aspect of her life. We grew up in and out of CPS and it's not as simple as just fixing everything and they'll give your kids back, my mom took us to CPS to have a place to stay when she was homeless for 3 months and it took 12 years for them to close our case. She's a good mother and the kids are barely toddlers right now, she doesn't do dugs or drink and I would never purposefully destroy my family to try to force someone to break up with a guy. Right now the kids are oblivious, but of course I realize things need to change, I just think having my niece and nephew thrown into foster care is too extreme, unless you have been through foster care you have no idea how traumatizing and emotionally damaging It is.

I also don't agree with CPS and I also don't agree that it's a good idea to confront him (although it must be frustrating to not say anything..... I'd struggle too). If he is controlling as you say, confronting him will only make him see you as the enemy, and he may try and isolate you from your sister. Would I be correct if I assumed that you are an important social support for her? It must be hard to see your sister get abused. Unfortunately I don't think there is a lot you can do.... She has to be ready to move out and take control of her own life.

She's clearly repeating the patterns you two experienced growing up. What a shame.

CPS has to have hard proof before they remove kids, so calling may not work.

HOWEVER, I'd make the point with your sister that the only way for her to gain control is to leave him, rather that waiting for him to do things and she's constantly reacting. Maybe she can do it for her kids if she's not willing to do it for herself.

How involved are you willing to get? You can at least point her in the right direction and give her numbers to call or even take her to a shelter so she can talk to someone.

There ARE options, but she's got to be the one willing to take them.

CPS should be the right answer but they are so overwhelmed and their alternative might not be much better than what is going on right now.

The question, as others asked, is how involved are you prepared to be? Recently you were talking about your own uncertainty with your BF and his brother. Would you be able to have your sister and her kids move in with you? Would your BF agree to this? Since she is receiving money from welfare it would probably not be a burden on you financially.

The other resource would be a women's shelter. You could go talk to them first. Explain the situation and ask them for advice and help. The BF could be neutralized if you had proof of him selling those pills. Tell the police that and give them some evidence and he will be arrested. I'm sure he doesn't have money for bail so this would give your sister time to get away from him.

Helping your sister will not be easy but it would be the right thing to do. Just search your soul first to decide what you are willing to do and risk to help them.

Hi Sophias: You posted here and you said you are not in the habit of blaming abused women. Good, then get involved and go to your sister and ask your sister to step up and get out of there for the sake of her children because her children dont deserve the mess they live in. And tell her if something happens and CPS has to go in, they will blame her and him and take the kids away.

Those children have no choice but to live in that, and the authorities look to your sister to place the children as a higher priority than her boyfriendwhen she doesnt do that and CPS shows up, your sister is in trouble just like the boyfriend will be. Help your sister find the options in your area from domestic abuse counseling (found from domestic abuse hotlines) to meetings with domestic abuse support groups. She needs counseling so bad to break her habits.

I used to be an abused wife with a small child. My husband would beat me and then have forced sex with me afterwards. When he finally got mad and was going to beat the child, I morphed into the Incredible Hulk, hit him in the face, and shoved him out the door telling him we were done. Thats how we separated and I saw a divorce attorney right after that and I divorced him with cause.

After the divorce, I went into therapy and what I realized was that I was not responsible for the abuse, but I HAD TO ACCEPT full responsibility for not leaving the moment the abuse started, for staying when the abuse continued, and for staying and placing my son and me in that mess and in danger. My child was a priority ABOVE my husband and that child shouldnt have been exposed to any of that, no matter what the age and I lost track of that. THAT STUFF WAS ON ME. It is on your sister too.

How great do you think this boyfriend is going to be with the kids? Do you think he is going to treat them just like he treats their Mom? Sure he will. Are they going to be the kids with the cigarette burns on them? With the broken bones showing up at the E.R.?

So what are you willing to do?

Your sister has a responsibility to remove her children from this. It can be done. I did it once. I had family support and I did it. not for me, but for my small child. It takes a lot to dig down deep and make the decision. No matter how weak she feels or how hopeless she feels, she can do this. If she choses not to, then there is nothing you can do for her. Probably not much you can do for those kids either. You can try protective services as mentioned by others here. That is a good place to start. See what happens.

I would not report your sister. Who knows what harm would come to the children. Let her know you are there for her . I would put her in contact with an organization that would help her. You might be able to get some good advise from them on how to handle things. As a mom she is probably scared. Who knows what thoughts are going through her head. She might think she cant make it on her own with a baby. Im sure you have told your sister she does not deserve this treatment but she is not able to see things as clearly right now. Do not comfort him it will alienate you and her . She needs you right now. He would love that.

ATBG- I feel for your past and I wish my mother had done that for me. No- she was too scared to make a big stink. Only with me, he was hitting me, and she was afraid that if she stood up for me, he'd turn to her. Nice...

But THIS is not abusive to that point... yet. He's a lousy, controlling user. But I don't think CPS would say it's abuse at this time. There's food, shelter, etc. Yes, Mom's frazzled, but I don't think she'd see it that she's allowing abuse to occur.

She's the fianc. I'd tell her that if she marries the guy, she'll be in BIG trouble. Is there a date for the wedding? I'd really try to get her to see that this is NOT GOOD. But until she's ready to leave, you can't do much.

Why would they get married? If they marry then she loses a lot of her welfare and supplement plans and he would be responsible for the kids. It's not like they have income taxes and would benefit from a married filing status.

Sophiasmom you should check out womens shelters in your area and surrounding towns. Talk to them. Then take your sister there. She isn't going to want to leave this guy. If she had that strength she would have done it long ago. But maybe if you can get her to talk to someone they can convince her that there is a better life for her and her kids.

We are all saying the same thing in different ways. Nothing can happen until SHE makes up her mind to put this guy out. If she goes through with the marriage it will create a whole new set of legal issues on top of her current issues. I agree that CPS is unlikely to take this case because unfortunately, they are too common. If CPS got involved in throwing out every deadbeat, loser of a dad in America, we would all be paying taxes until the cows come home.

Get professional counseling, as others have suggested. This needs to be handled in a way that will be effective in getting your sister to change her mind about this guy.

You say she is a good mother - you need to use that leverage. She needs to understand that part of being a good mother is protecting your children and yourself from verbal and mental abuse. That is crucial and basic. Another very critical part of being a good mother is creating enough financial stability for your kids to be able to go to a good preschool and elementary school; to live in a safe and comfortable home and neighborhood. Getting by on welfare is not a decent way of life to provide for your children. Nothing against poor families but they should be trying to improve their lives in order to make life safe and enjoyable for everyone.

Thank you for caring. You are a good sister. Best of luck --EJ

Deli: She said her sister's boyfriend smokes weed, that boyfriend is selling his pain medication, and her boyfriend's friend pees on the apartment floor, and her sister she is on welfare. If the police zoom in on that apartment for selling drugs and raid them, the adults all go to the police station and the baby doesn't go with your sister. It's not a good situation.

this is not a CPS situation. It is a sister-making-up-her-mind situation. Without that, nothing else is possible.

They are not going to set up a drug raid just for him. If he gets caught selling to an undercover, well that's a slim chance. They watch for hours days record who walks in what time with what color bag so on and so on. This goes on for days. Then plant an officer to make a buy. Rush in the door with that big thing to bust a door down, with guns drawn. It takes money and time to set up a sting. He probably sells his script to a friend so he can buy his drug of choice.
I just hope she wises up and gets away from him before they have any more children .Then it will even be harder for her. remember your sister needs you. She needs to know if she dumps him she has some kind of support system. Call some women's groups.help her get educated. Let her see she has options.

Again, we all have opinions. The original poster can take what she wants and disregard the rest.

But for those of you who say it's not a C.P.S. situation or there won't be a drug raid, you can't guarantee that. None of us can.