Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My husband and I agreed to raise his/our teenage grandson, who was not far from juvie or jail.
Since he's been here, he's done a complete turn around. He's respectful, making good grades, and hasn't gotten into any trouble at school after the first couple weeks when he was testing his limits.
His mother on the other hand has been a complete nightmare! She believes that we should not only raise him, but support him financially as well. We never could have taken him if this were the case. She knew this from the beginning, but fails to remember when it's convenient for her. She believes because we are his grandparents we should be willing and able to financially support him. Willing we are; able we are not. Our home is on the verge of foreclosure because we had to purchase bedroom furniture and other necessities on a scanty budget. The utilities are treading water, and we've lost our kids' insurance just since he's been here.
However tight the budget, we would always work through. But we shouldn't have to struggle so hard to pay what we were able to pay before her son came to live with us when she can actually afford to support him financially.
Now that he is doing well, she is constantly creating friction between us and her. She has always been selfish and disrespectful, but tonight she went beyond disrespect. She is claiming that we only took the child for a paycheck and the money she is sending sporadically is more than enough to take care of him. She has sent the equivalent of $4.16 per day for him. This is not even enough to feed a teenage boy a day, let alone buy him new clothes, shoes or allowance.
My husband wants to uproot the child again and deliver the boy to his mother right away-in a hurry-because she has no intention of having him stay after this school year. And, we really cannot afford him without her small superficial support. He feels like why should we continue down this road and possibly lose everything we have for a selfish, ungrateful person.
I want to do what's best for the child, but my brain function is so muddled by emotion I cannot think straight. I think we should take him home, but I don't want to disturb his school year. Then again I think he should be in the school he will hopefully graduate in as soon as possible.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you tough it out until the end of the school year, which is both financially draining and emotionally exhausting dealing with an immature, selfish human being? Or, would you follow her biological father's plan and give her exactly what she wants (her son back) only earlier than she wants (because it is inconvenient for her to have him home now)?
No matter how I explain all this, it feels so childish. But, I am looking for opinions. And, I want to be sure that I am not just looking for opinions from the people I know will say what I want to hear. I want to be objective, but I can't do it on my own right now.
Thanks in advance to those who offer their advice.
Since he's been here, he's done a complete turn around. He's respectful, making good grades, and hasn't gotten into any trouble at school after the first couple weeks when he was testing his limits.
His mother on the other hand has been a complete nightmare! She believes that we should not only raise him, but support him financially as well. We never could have taken him if this were the case. She knew this from the beginning, but fails to remember when it's convenient for her. She believes because we are his grandparents we should be willing and able to financially support him. Willing we are; able we are not. Our home is on the verge of foreclosure because we had to purchase bedroom furniture and other necessities on a scanty budget. The utilities are treading water, and we've lost our kids' insurance just since he's been here.
However tight the budget, we would always work through. But we shouldn't have to struggle so hard to pay what we were able to pay before her son came to live with us when she can actually afford to support him financially.
Now that he is doing well, she is constantly creating friction between us and her. She has always been selfish and disrespectful, but tonight she went beyond disrespect. She is claiming that we only took the child for a paycheck and the money she is sending sporadically is more than enough to take care of him. She has sent the equivalent of $4.16 per day for him. This is not even enough to feed a teenage boy a day, let alone buy him new clothes, shoes or allowance.
My husband wants to uproot the child again and deliver the boy to his mother right away-in a hurry-because she has no intention of having him stay after this school year. And, we really cannot afford him without her small superficial support. He feels like why should we continue down this road and possibly lose everything we have for a selfish, ungrateful person.
I want to do what's best for the child, but my brain function is so muddled by emotion I cannot think straight. I think we should take him home, but I don't want to disturb his school year. Then again I think he should be in the school he will hopefully graduate in as soon as possible.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you tough it out until the end of the school year, which is both financially draining and emotionally exhausting dealing with an immature, selfish human being? Or, would you follow her biological father's plan and give her exactly what she wants (her son back) only earlier than she wants (because it is inconvenient for her to have him home now)?
No matter how I explain all this, it feels so childish. But, I am looking for opinions. And, I want to be sure that I am not just looking for opinions from the people I know will say what I want to hear. I want to be objective, but I can't do it on my own right now.
Thanks in advance to those who offer their advice.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
Just the fact that he's now doing well speaks volumes.
How does he feel about living with you now? Do you think he'd say to the court that he'd prefer living with you? At 14, the kid's opinion holds a lot of weight.
Best of luck.
We asked him what he wants. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, so he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear. He's confused. He is so proud of what he has accomplished here in so little time--rightly so. Yet, he loves his mom--also rightly so.
She manipulates him something awful when they are together or on the phone.
I found this site online:
http://www.grandfamilies.org/
Where's the father?
Using a child as a pawn is so cruel and devastating to the child...I'm so sorry that you're going through this
Once an order is set out if you do keep your grandson living with you she'll have to follow a court order.... Big hug and a blessing... I hope your husband can put his anger aside and not allow the drama and 'noise' dictate his decision ...xo
YOU have the control in situation; don't forget that. I presume he's registered at school at YOUR address...
Take your power.
I took a boy in and his mother collected food stamps for him which bothered me.I was struggling with a minimum wage job,at the time.He was 16 and got a little job collecting the carts in a supermarket for pocket money. How old is your Grandson?
We are keeping him at least until the end of the school year. There is no reason for him to go home before then; he cannot be enrolled in a school there because of his past.
We have been trying to teach him to think for himself. We presented him with his options. Stay here and complete this school year in hopes that his mom will have a change of heart and allow him to graduate in the long run, or return home and maybe have the ability to graduate (highly unlikely since they cannot enroll him anywhere and homeschooling proved a nightmare). He chose to stay.
We have blocked her as a caller on our phones, so she can no longer harass us with her demanding texts and nasty phone calls. We've told him that she will not be calling, but he is free to make the choice to call her whenever he wants--as long as she is not upsetting him on the phone.
Perhaps, when he has been here long enough (I checked out the website--thanks for that) we will file for custody. Ultimately, our state requires him to live here a year before we are able to do so. If he goes home for the summer, I'm positive she will not send him back. But, if he joins a sport like he wants to he may not be able to make it home at the time she wants him.
Our grandson is a good kid now. He was not good at all before he came, and I think I am beginning to understand some of the choices he made before: doing and selling drugs, stealing, lying, and threatening suicide. He was kicked out of three schools. He was in a mental institution for suicide or threatening to harm someone else a few times. He's been here since August, when school started, and he's been great. He's helpful. He's learned to be respectful. He's always been pretty thoughtful to us, but we see him doing the same with others as well.
I want him to stay as long as possible. Everyday he's here is one day closer to him keeping these good traits and feeling secure in the decisions he makes for himself.
His mother is making him, 14, choose between being with her and earning his diploma. And, she has the gall to call me pathetic.
Thank you all for the advice, information, and space to vent. I am going to return the favor in other forums soon.
I agree family court is a good option. The school counselor should be able to provide documentation of how he was doing previously versus now.
I'd also encourage you to not engage with your daughter. Just because she's inviting you into her drama and manipulation doesn't mean you have to accept the invitation. Limit contact with her if necessary. Set rules for her behavior when she visits your home. If she can't abide by them, she needs to leave. If you're on the phone, end the conversation. Stay as calm and rational as possible. People who thrive on drama don't get satisfaction from that. Be consistent, be firm and stick to boundaries.