Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hello, I found this website while I was searching for help. I don't have anybody to talk to where I am.
I have a very difficult family....it's nothing new, but a recent argument has me so upset right now that I just need help, even if only to talk. My family has been a wreck since I was little. My parents are divorced and the entire family is fragmented into groups of ones and twos that refuse to speak to each other due to fall outs. Each of them has huge issues and nearly all of them have at least one mental illness. Personally, I have anxiety and depression, which has been under control.....until now. See, I have been the neutral party. I started out as the peace keeper, I believed I could heal the rifts. But as this thing drags on into it's 10th year anniversary I've become just a line of communication. Tenuous and placing myself in a unique form of risk, not being on any side, just balancing and trying not to slip. It's very lonely here.
I tried to draw stability from my mom. She's always been very caring and accepting, there's just one problem there: My step dad. Here's the thing, I love my step dad and he's very kind.....but he's also mentally ill and self destructive, often in ways that aren't conscious. It's caused stress before because my mom, who is usually so logical, can't seem to deal with him. She enables and excuses everything. He's lost several jobs and is out of one right now. He does stupid things that could kill him and threatens suicide whenever the pressure is too much. I want to protect my mom and I can't. I get SO frustrated that neither of them are doing anything to get help or stop his cycles. Anytime I try to call it out she gets defensive and puts up this wall of "I can't and you won't".
Then, yesterday, we had a fight. He was putting himself in danger again and posting it all over Facebook like it was funny. I called for him to stop. Some of his friends joined me. My mom didn't take my feelings seriously until I was red with frustration. See, my family never lets me get angry. They do something and if I'm angry I'm wrong, or over reacting, or not seeing things clearly.
When my sister refused to get a job and she and her GF took my grandmother's and father's money for 6 years to live in an apartment by themselves, buying whatever they felt like. I put my foot down. I called them out, being fully able to get jobs, and told the family they have to stop enabling them. My grandfather threatened to cancel Christmas because I was "making everyone not get along". I was made to stand down.
I was equally "wrong" to call out my step dad's needlessly risky behavior. I'd said if he cared about my mom's well being at all he wouldn't do such things. Although I understand the depth of his problems, neither of them takes any responsibility for them. They just let them keep happening. As someone who overcame major emotional issues (I was once suicidal too) for the sake of my family it enrages me to no end. As it stands things are a mess. He still has no job and my mom is likely to lose their home, their dogs, everything.....and I'm helpless. I'm helpless and in the eyes of my family I'm also wrong.
I feel so alone.
I have a very difficult family....it's nothing new, but a recent argument has me so upset right now that I just need help, even if only to talk. My family has been a wreck since I was little. My parents are divorced and the entire family is fragmented into groups of ones and twos that refuse to speak to each other due to fall outs. Each of them has huge issues and nearly all of them have at least one mental illness. Personally, I have anxiety and depression, which has been under control.....until now. See, I have been the neutral party. I started out as the peace keeper, I believed I could heal the rifts. But as this thing drags on into it's 10th year anniversary I've become just a line of communication. Tenuous and placing myself in a unique form of risk, not being on any side, just balancing and trying not to slip. It's very lonely here.
I tried to draw stability from my mom. She's always been very caring and accepting, there's just one problem there: My step dad. Here's the thing, I love my step dad and he's very kind.....but he's also mentally ill and self destructive, often in ways that aren't conscious. It's caused stress before because my mom, who is usually so logical, can't seem to deal with him. She enables and excuses everything. He's lost several jobs and is out of one right now. He does stupid things that could kill him and threatens suicide whenever the pressure is too much. I want to protect my mom and I can't. I get SO frustrated that neither of them are doing anything to get help or stop his cycles. Anytime I try to call it out she gets defensive and puts up this wall of "I can't and you won't".
Then, yesterday, we had a fight. He was putting himself in danger again and posting it all over Facebook like it was funny. I called for him to stop. Some of his friends joined me. My mom didn't take my feelings seriously until I was red with frustration. See, my family never lets me get angry. They do something and if I'm angry I'm wrong, or over reacting, or not seeing things clearly.
When my sister refused to get a job and she and her GF took my grandmother's and father's money for 6 years to live in an apartment by themselves, buying whatever they felt like. I put my foot down. I called them out, being fully able to get jobs, and told the family they have to stop enabling them. My grandfather threatened to cancel Christmas because I was "making everyone not get along". I was made to stand down.
I was equally "wrong" to call out my step dad's needlessly risky behavior. I'd said if he cared about my mom's well being at all he wouldn't do such things. Although I understand the depth of his problems, neither of them takes any responsibility for them. They just let them keep happening. As someone who overcame major emotional issues (I was once suicidal too) for the sake of my family it enrages me to no end. As it stands things are a mess. He still has no job and my mom is likely to lose their home, their dogs, everything.....and I'm helpless. I'm helpless and in the eyes of my family I'm also wrong.
I feel so alone.
My first thought is that you mean well and want to help everyone. But that is not necessarily your job.
For example your sister. If your father and grandparents want to support her then it's not your business. If she was stealing from them then you might have a good reason to bring it to the attention of those people. But if they are competent adults they can do what they want.
You mention your step-dad being reckless. Well that is certainly a problem. But there isn't much you can do about it other than tell him you love him and want him to get some professional help. You can't force an adult to change their behavior. It has to come from within them.
I know it seems like everyone is messed up. But you need to understand that adults have free will. They make mistakes, do things they might regret and choose to live in a way that is different from what we feel is right. But that doesn't give you or anyone else the right to make them change. Making suggestions and offer help is a good thing. Outing people on Facebook is a bad thing.
You might want to speak to someone about how you are reacting to your family. You need to find a way to accept your family the way they are.
I'm sure you have heard this before. You can only change yourself, you cannot change other people. So change the way you deal with them or react to them. Your grandmother sounds like a competent woman who made a decision to help your sister. That is her choice. If she has to work longer well that was her decision. If she doesn't have the retirement she might have liked that was also her decision. It's not your responsibility to fix her problems. There are also other people in your family to share the responsibility of caring for grandma some day. Her children and grandchildren can all pitch in if necessary.
Your grandfather sounds like he is the head of the family. What about talking to him about how you feel? Tell him how you feel responsible and want to protect everyone. Ask him how he sees your actions. From what you are writing I get the impression that your family sees you as interfering instead of well meaning.
I know what I am saying is probably hurting you. I have had similar issues with my parents years ago. They made some poor decisions and wouldn't listen to reason, my reason. I had to step back and accept that they are adults and free to make their own decisions. In their case it was a good decision in many ways but not all. And now they are sorry in some ways. But that is life. It doesn't always go the way we might like.
As for picking up the pieces, I don't honestly think anyone expects me to, but the fact is I'd try. I only make enough money for me. I just know that, of the family, I'm the only one that'd reach out because the rest are being too self righteous or indignant. I know I should only worry about ME, but I don't have anyone else. They're all I've got.
You also mentioned that you have no one else. If that is true it is because you have created that situation for yourself. There are always good people to get to know at your work, in school, neighbors, online friends, bars, restaurants, events, at the gym, etc. Develop a new network of friends and family whom you can relate to and who can serve as a base of emotional support for you. Then you won't have to put up with so much nonsense from your family members. Good luck! --EJ
In either case, there comes a point where you have to detach from the family problems because no one person can be happy if there constantly in the middle advising others. And, it could very well be that all good intentions aside, you could be perceived as a meddler.
Actions have consequences so if your step father is reckless in his behavior, he'll be the one to suffer. It's not your responsibility to ensure he's acting properly. No family in general wants to be judged by one particular family member. If one person decides to help another financially; it's their business and whatever the outcome of the assistance is that members issue, not yours.
I think it's great to have family holiday traditions and perhaps the rest of the family looks forward to the Christmas event. They don't want hard feelings between family members and they certainly don't want one particular person pointing out all their faults.
From what you've posted, I think you are taking on the sole responsibility of ensuring that everyone else's financial stability, emotional and physical well being are your problems to take care of. Problem with this is you suffer burnout after awhile; needlessly. It becomes a situation of jack of all trades, master of none because you can't fix everyone's problems 24/7, 365 days a year.
Take a step back for awhile and don't get so involved. Concentrate on you; I'm sure you'll start feeling better, you're not alone; you're just frustrated with family personalities.