I think you should approach it from the perspective of how would YOU feel if you had a partner who required you to give up doing things you enjoyed because of their own issue.

You love her, would you really want her to fulfill your wants and needs at the sake of her own?

You have every right to find another sort of partner if this one doesn't do things the way you prefer, but to ask another person to change who they are ( in this case a woman who likes to visit and go places) to fulfill your desires. I don't think that's fair.

visualize that you are one of her other friends or family. imagine she is telling a story about how she would love to go someplace, but her partner hates to be alone... How would you feel for her?

I totally understand how you feel. I used to feel the same way, I was not happy when my husband wanted to continue to go on his fall football season trips when our kids started school. I didn't want to go and take the kids out of school, I didn't want to go and leave the kids with a sitter. what I wanted was for him to sit home, give up doing what he wanted, just for me.
I have grown as a person and learned that my thinking was selfish.

Now I enjoy the time alone when he goes on trips... I pamper myself and really like the calm and I actually look forward to it now!
It's all a matter of perspective.

Big hug for you sweetpea.... I am sorry that you're hurting... Have you done work on yourself re therapy to help you with the abandonment problems that you have?

Pets are a huge deal... I have a dog who I adore and can't go so many places as I have to care for him... Could you start a fund for your pet.. maybe putting a little away every month so at least you could join her on the overnight or weekend visits.... This is her family and she loves them so I understand wanting to spend time with them... I was very close to my family as well so I get it

The abandonment though comes from the inside out... It's within you and she can't really help you with this... Getting into therapy might be a wonderful gift to you... Big hug and a blessing...x

I just wanted to add that if you're suffering due to child abandonment I am not trying to minimize that in anyway... I know it's one of the worst forms of abuse.... Going away for a weekend isn't abandoning you though sweetie... There is good help to be had... I hope you'll reach out for help to heal... Another hug....xo

i know from her ex's from previous relationships she didn't go on these overnight stays etc . so it's not like shes always done this.that would be easier for me to understand. she was on her own for about two years before we met and by what i've picked up from past conversations with her family they said they didn't see much of her .
there has been events i've wanted us to go to but if her family want to visit on that particular week ,we don't go and i have to cancel our plans. the latest row arose when i had a hospital appointment but also the landlord wanted somebody here as he had a workman coming my partner said she would be home . but when it was too late to cancel the workman or my hospital appointment one of her sisters rang asking her to sit by the phone in case the school rang as her son had been kicking off at school the week before and she had had to fetch him home and she had a funeral to go to. my partner said she would go over. which it was over 100 miles there. which left me in a dilema as i probably couldnt had attended my hospital appointment if the workman was still at ours as landlord rules state there has to be the tenant there. i had waited months for the consultant appointment ,and you have to give 24 hours notice to cancel which when her sister rang i hadn't got 24 hours. it was just by luck the workman had just finished so i could rush to my appointment. but before she went my partner when i said of this dilemma said i would just have to cancel my appointment at the hospital as it wasn't that important as the results of a brain scan he had ordered was clear,but like i said to her he might want to investigate things further i didn't know. i have looked at things as if i was my partner and how would i feel . i've discussed this with several close friends asking am i too needy,am i just selfish. but they all say i'm not they would feel the same way. i don't expect my partner to change who she is but she wasn't like this in previous relationships.

It would be wonderful if she would change into a caring partner who put your feelings first, but there is no way you can force her to change.

I realize how painful it is, but hoping someone will change adds more pain to the situation. If you reach a place of acceptance that she is who she is, you still won't have the relationship you would like to have, but at least you won't be full of turmoil trying to hope a frog turns into a prince, right?

You can start to carry on with the knowledge that she isn't going to be the one to pamper and care for you, if you don't want to leave her right now you can start perceiving the situation pretty much just as it is, you ARE alone. She is no more a support to you than that soccer ball in the movie cast away..... BUT.. she is there for some things.. what I mean is once in awhile you might get some benefit from being in the relationship... but that isn't very satisfying. and It's not the relationship you want. I would start making plans to take care of myself. Who knows, when she sees you pull back and not beg for emotional support.. it might draw her to you, because she knows you aren't trying to force her into something. but at that point you'll know she isn't who you hoped and thought she was...

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know it's not a happy place to be.

No one, not even a parent can ever pledge to be with someone every night...it's just not realistic. If she promised that...she shouldn't have. If you asked for that...you shouldn't have.

What you can do is put a plan in place that will help you cope.

That can be almost anything. From walking your dogs...to knowing that THEY are standing beside you, to journaling, to exercise, to drawing, whatever. Get a grab bag of coping skills to help you through.

Maybe your partner might be willing to call you everyday or leave daily notes.

If you're in therapy, your therapist might have more ideas.

I feel for you. I know it's hard. You can do it. You're strong.

Patti

ty for all your kind replies. i decided to book us both a holiday before you goes away for 9 days. my psychiatrist had told me last month a nice holiday would do me good. all the way through booking our holiday online i was asking my partner if where it was ok etc ,it was the only place i could find that would take our 4 dogs without a hefty charge for them,they didn't charge extra for dogs. the lady only had one week left ,so again i asked my partner if i should book it and told my partner the dates. she said book it.so i booked it for us and paid the deposit. my partner seemed excited and asked to look at their website to see what it was like so i showed her she liked it. then today her sister rang and in her conversation with me mentioned the families annual holiday ,the one where they all come to a holiday park about just under a hour away from us. and as i've mentioned in my first post my partner goes over to alot of the days. i was lost for words when she was chatting about this holiday then mentioned "we are going on the saturday as the girls break up from school on friday the 27th of may. it's the same week i've booked our holiday for. i decided not to mention our holiday ,i just didn't know what to say. but i do know that when they do find out ,they will accuse me of doing it on purpose when i honestly did not know the dates of their holiday. i ran everything by my partner including the date when booking it. but i just know that my partner will accuse me as well. a few years ago i booked a holiday and she was fine with it,then not long before our holiday she realized we would be away on her nephews birthday and said i had booked that week on purpose,but i don't know when her families birthdays are,i haven't a clue ,my partner doesn't write them on a calendar or anything she is usually reminded of birthdays by her mum. so i know what is going to happen this time . but its not like my partner is booked in at the holiday park her family stay at ,they usually sneak her in by the entrance gate . but i'm dreading it .one day we are happily chatting about our holiday and looking forward to it but now i have this fear of dred . my partner chats to her mum every sunday,shes bound to tell her about the holiday we have booked and i know what her mums reaction will be. because her mum will want to know when its booked for. i also fear my partner will tell me to cancel our holiday or take somebody else with me but she knows i dont know anyone to go with and i could never drive that far.

update, well during the weekly phone call the o/h mum wanted to chat to me like she usually does i thought the best way was to tell her i had booked a hoilday and go from there. she asked when and the dates but never said a word,then asked to speak to my partner. the only thing my partner said then to her mum was "i didnt realize" but gave me a angry look. i waited for the balloon to go up once she had finished the call but my partner said nothing. then later on my partner starts being overly nice to me saying she has 3 holidays this year one with me,then her families one at the holiday camp,then her families trip abroad. i showed no reaction i knew then it was all a ploy to see if i knew when the dates was of their holiday camp. ok i did already know but after i booked it when her sister mentioned it. anyway throughout the evening she said she didnt know the dates of her families holiday at the holiday camp did i know,i said no i hadn't a clue. i had guessed when i had told her mum and her mum asked to speak to my partner they had planned to "catch me out". i wasn't happy because i knew i would be accused of doing it on purpose by her and her mum. why couldn't her mum had said something to me as soon as i told her? why this plan to try and "catch me out". so this morning i went shopping but i needed to know for sure i wasn't just being paranoid as i do suffer from borderline and paranoid personality disorders. so the only thing i could think of was to set my phone to record and leave it in our room in case she rang her mum or her mum rang her as her mum knows i go out on monday mornings. i came back she said she had rang her mum and had asked her mum the dates of this holiday camp and it was the same dates i had booked our holiday. i asked her if she thought i had done it on purpose she said no. i asked her if her mum had said i should cancel our holiday she said no. then she went off for a nap. i played back what had been recorded ,her mum rang her ,my partner had texted her to say i had gone out. they discussed my reaction to my partner saying she was excited at going to the holiday park my partner saying"she just played along " she said about her asking me if i knew the dates,saying"she made out she didn't know" she then said to her mum "no she can't shes already paid for the holiday" that was her mum saying i could cancel or rearrange our holiday so my partner could join them at their holiday. my partner went on to say it was spite and revenge because she was going abroad with some other members of her family for 9 days. she did say about this 9 days trip her family hadn't even invited me. but if she thought like that why didnt she say this at the time she agreed. but like i had said in my previous post i dreaded it when they realized i had booked this holiday the same time as their holiday camp,i knew what i would be accused of and i was right. so after my partner woke up i asked her again about her conversation with her mum she still stuck with what she had first told me. so i started repeating what i had heard. she said i was just guessing. so i repeated some more of what was said. and asked why she had lied about her mum asking her to ask me to cancel or move our holiday. she said her mum was hurt i had booked our holiday on the same dates. i was angry because it didnt matter to her that i was hurt that her mum would even ask me to cancel or change the dates. she kept wanting to know how i knew what i did ,so i told her. that was it she said i was invading her privacy,said i was spying on her. ok i know i should not have set my phone to record but i needed to know the truth ,i had spent most of last night and before i went out listening to my partner lie to me this was the only way i could make sure in my own mind as my partner very often calls me parnoid if i doubt her. now i'm in a emotional turmoil, to know if i hadn't had already paid for our holiday my partner would had made me cancel or move the dates,even though it was the only week i could get at a price i could afford (my partner had already refused tom pay half) in my mind now it didn't matter that i didn't get a holiday as long as my partner spent 2 holidays just weeks apart with her family.

It's tales of relationships like this that make me very happy to be/stay "single".

GL!

i forgot to add to all of this my partner is also my paid carer . but she refuses to help me even when i ask. my mental health has spiraled down especially this last week ,i haven't been able to face anything. but she even refuses to help me by washing up which has been building up for 5 days now.but she easily spent over 20 hours just sat on her pc playing games yesterday. in the uk when a person fills out a carers application form to claim money for the person they care for it states they must be with that person for at least 35 hours a week to do the caring. thats a joke. she will still claim it whens shes not here for nine days. she has done nothing to try and put in place someone to be here or at least to help. yet a friend of our is on her own for a few days and shes inviting her to come and stay here showing all this concern. i've tried myself asking people to stay but with no luck.

I've never heard of a paid carer that's a partner too. System must be different in Great Britain. Perhaps a non-partner would be a better carer solution? Then assigned duties could be clearer, and so would "time on the job". Even carers should get downtime to play video games, do their own activities and have vacations.

Contact your social worker.