Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My younger cousin, who is turning 18 in three months, was born out of wedlock (not such an anomaly in today's world) and is being raised by his grandmother. His grandmother did a great job raising him. He's smart, hard-working, mannerly, respectful, a football and track star, and has good grades. It seems his mother has recently, and finally, begun to take an interest in him. She has provided financial support all of his life, but he never lived with his mother except during stints when she moved back in with the grandmother. The father is kind of in the picture, but not really.
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
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grill tonight with charcoal.....turned out good but had some stuff that I had to feed to Belle and Happy because it was grissley. it tasted pretty good and was a perfect mid rare....
But on the other side if he expects or wants financial aide from mom or grandma then he may need to consider their wishes. So the 18 year old needs to decide what He wants to do.
One good option would be to go live with mom and go to a community college for a year. He could continue to help GM a few times a week. Then after a year when he has a better idea of what he wants to do he can reevaluate the situation. Maybe finish an associates degree and save up some money. Or apply to other schools and see what scholarship offers he gets.
My feeling is that most kids have no idea what they want to do at 18. Going away to college should not be an escape from unpleasant things in life, it should be the beginning of a grand adventure that will prepare you for the rest of your life. So an 18 year old would probably be better off with some control and guidance for a year or so as he spreads his wings.
I would tell all parties to go figure it out themselves. He has a mom and a grandma and doesn't need more fingers in the pie.
If mom was living at GMs with him then he has some idea what she is like. Maybe he wants a chance to live with her, away from GM, for a while. This is his last chance before he is an adult to have mom all to himself.
Or maybe he feels a debt to GM and/or wants to stay around to take care of her. Who would step up if he went away? Maybe that person needs to talk to him to reassure him that if he leaves GM won't be alone.
You might want to let him know that if he decides to go away you and some others would offer some help. If it worked out this way I would do a split help. Offer him some money now for expenses and then set some money aside to help him pay off loans later.
I'm assuming he is graduating HS this June and looking at college for the Fall. Has he filled out FAFSA forms? This is a very important first step and will require info from whoever supports him. His mom and possibly also GM. There are some tricky rules about parents even if they aren't supporting. This will give him a good idea of how much aide and loans he would qualify for. Then he should apply to local and distant schools to see what they offer in scholarships.
I will restrain my paternalistic instincts. Every bone in my body tells me he should try to get into the best public universities in the state, but actually, its too late for this Fall. A year of community college may be his only option this year. He is actually the one who has made it clear that he wants to leave town to go to school. I think it is a good idea but I don't think I will be able to support him on this publicly. It would just be portrayed as my idea the whole time.
He is not being advised in the way that is best for him IMHO but you're right, we can still help him down the road. Thx --EJ
How strong is this boy? Would he do well going away at 18? Would he be strong enough to break away from mom and GM? Remember how high the first year drop out rate is. And when they go away it is worse than staying home.
He should be talking to his guidance counselor at school. That is who can advise him best. Most schools give access to computer programs that help kids figure out what schools offer majors they are interested in and they also give an idea of what GPA and SAT scores are needed. It might be a little late right now but it's worth trying. Also many state schools have wait lists for the Spring because they know how many kids will drop out.
My gut is telling me that your nephew would do best staying home for a two year degree. If he has had such a tumultuous early life he is probably not that independent or secure. This is a time for him to go to school, work part-time, get a car and start being independent. He can live with mom or GM. Most colleges will accept those credit in full and it is much cheaper. At 20 he will be much better prepared to go away to school.
I will see that he consults with his guidance counselor without seeming to poke my nose into the situation. If I had confidence that he was ready to be on his own, I might be more assertive, but I wouldn't want to push him onto a demanding track that might set him up for failure. Thanks again, Tigg. --EJ
If you truly don't want to get involved, then don't.
My suggestion? If he's responsible at all, then he should have been given graduation gifts of checks, marked in corner "for your education" and then he can use it as he sees fit.
OR, he can go about his education on his own, and apply for FA.
I don't blame him for wanting to jump ship; I went to a college 30 minutes from my home and never came home on the weekends and found ways not to come home for the summer that were not wise choices, but they were better than staying with my parents.
That's where our group comes in. We have alot to offer him - more than just money. We can mentor him in ways that his mom and GM cannot. They have never lived outside their small town or gone on to higher education. That is why I am torn. If he was content to stay in that world, I would be ok with it, as I am with many of my relatives. We have an extremely large family and I was one of the first to complete college 40 years ago. I have helped many others since then, and I would like to help him, but I am getting unusual resistance from the mom and GM.
Does your nephew have any idea what he wants to do? Has he visited any schools? And does he have any friends going away to school? And I guess most importantly how are his grades? Does he have a chance of getting into any of these bigger schools with his present grades? Sometimes a year of community college is needed to get the grades up.
Good point about the dinner. I think I will invite the entire mentoring group when we have the discussion.
I think it would be good for him to do a year at least of CC. But with the plan to move to another school for his second year. This should make mom and GM happy and give him a chance to grow up a little.
If you are going to offer help I would lay out a plan to him (without gm and mom). Write out a contract. He has to have xxx GPA, xx of classes, work xx hours a week, save xxx dollars. Then you will do .....
Teach him structure, planning and responsibility by having him want it not you making him do it
I have a hunch, though that if he lived at "home" with the female dead weights, he'd not thrive.
I see this many times where the previous generation holds back the younger one b/c they are intimidated. "Oh, Mr. Fancy Pants thinks he's too good for us," mentality. Rubbish.
I'd be careful about the dinner thing- it could be viewed as an intervention/ambush.
Good luck