I guess seeking help is a start, right? I've always been good at this. I cannot face the darkness alone. I search out others who are going through the same thing, and it seems to work. For the most part.

I'll start at the beginning. My husband's dr suspects a large mass/tumor in his bladder is cancer. He has suspected this for months (he's been having symptoms since June), and in the back of my mind, I did too, but I REFUSED to let the words come out of my mouth. I am a very optimistic person, and one of faith. So, this is really hitting me hard as well.

He went to 2 urologists. The first one very concerned, saying he needed to get a CT as soon as he could. Well, funds being what they are, we thought it would be too expensive. He is a street cop, and we have a vast network of friends, and supporters. I am a part of a LEO wives group and people were offering to donate money towards a CT! But he wanted to wait. I urged him to go, even if he didn't seek help in way of donations, at least go to the ER. It would be handled that way. He wouldn't I kept at him for a good couple of weeks. He wouldn't budge. Finally, he got one this past monday. Tuesday, he received a call from one of the 1st urologist's office, saying there was a mass, that had a high likelyhood of being cancer. This was a huge blow. We made an appointment with an 2nd urologist, who is more equipped in dealing with these cases. We met with him on Friday, yesterday. It was horrible news, but as my husband says, not a death sentence. I'll get back to that in a minute. The doctor discussed what neeced to be done. He told us it was indeed a large tumor, or mass, and in his experience, one this size usually is cancer. He showed us the scan, and it indeed, is large. It takes up half his bladder. It didn't appear to have metastisized into lymph nodes, or any nearby organs, thank god, but what his fear is is that it might have roots in the bladder. This coming tuesday, he will have surgery to remove the cancer cells, or tumor. He hopes he'll get it all, and that it doesn't have roots, as previously mentioned. If he gets it all, he'll (I think..as my mind is a bit fuzzy at the moment..uggg need to get it together) undergo chemo/radiation to make sure it's gone. If there are roots, he might have to have his bladder taken out. Due to his age, he'll ahve options of reconstruction, etc, but he'll definitely have chemo or radiation then too. 

Now, back to the its not a death sentence. Yes, it is treatable, granted something doesn't go sideways during surgery, but this does little to comfort me. How can I be the best wife/best friend/supporter I can be, when I cannot stop falling apart right now? I was ok until yesterday, but my strength has lessened, my faith is being shaken. I feel hopeless. I cannot be that way, and be of any good to him. He wants me to show emotion, and trust me, I am..but I am afrsaid the floodgates will open wide. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am living moment to moment, an action I am very well accustomed to, as I lost my daughter to (Yes) cancer 11 years ago. We were not married then. I believe it was ONE of the reasons my ex and I divorced. I found my true love, and now I am afraid this is happening again. I feel guilty for thinking of myself sometimes. For being sad that I'll lose him, for innocence lost. I should be thinking about him.

As the wife, and assumed caretaker, I am to keep my head up, appear strong in the face of this evil. But it is difficult, and we are only in the beginning stages. We don't have confirmation yet that it is cancer, but now I am afraid to let my guard down, and be optimistic, and hope, because of the past, and because it seems to not be doing any good.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I really need to vent.