to return to the OP

"The thing that has hurt me about my bipolar friends is that, with my male friend, he just drops out of my life without sending me the one-line e-mail (literally, one-line) which I have asked for - something like, "Can't see you for awhile - will contact you when I'm feeling better".

With my female friend, even though she has told me she can't deal with "one-on-one" relationships at times, I am aware that she sees other people one-on-one - goes to dinner with them, etc. - so I am feeling like she is being dishonest with me, and that is the real issue. "

I can understand it's hurtful. I think unless the nature of his bipolar episodes are that they are more or less instant from nothing to full blown he could find someway of letting you know.

Guys are less good with the communication thing as a general thing but if he is aware it's hurtful and worrying to you and still continues with this pattern then I'm not sure what to suggest.

You may need to consider if you want to continue that friendship.

take care, Mark

Mark,

Thanks for your response. I am considering distancing myself from my male friend. It has been almost three months, and I haven't heard a word from him.

I will miss him, but the inconsistency and the refusal to alert me when he is going to disappear have become too much, and feel disrespectful to the friendship.

Fata, you are spreading misinformation. It's not about being politically correct, it is about being just correct.

I have no issue with you - only that you are spreading very negative misinformation.

You have made a statement that

"The ones who stay on their meds and stick with the program are still constant worry to their families .... their "loving" families.

And the ones who adhere to no regimen whatsoever spawn havoc, heartache, and a whole new generation of kids who end up in therapy themselves. "

You said "but in the "elevated state" ALL bipolars are narcissistic "

Basically you have condemmed everyone with bipolar - on a board dedicated to " to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar. "

There are many happy families with bipolar members, yes it needs work and understanding - please don't take away the hope from the people that come here for support with incorrect technical information and sweeping negative generalisations.


Your answer to my question , how many bipolar people do you know was

"Thousands maybe.And if research counts ... tens of thousands"

You personally know thousands of people with bipolar? Really?

I am also being courteous and civil here - I have challenged your statements. They are, if you reflect, extremely negative and you might concede provocative.

As you say, this is a public board operating within the rules of DS. If you can freely express your experience, why can I not challenge that or express mine?

I'm not sure how you think I am supposed to react to being told to "back off"?

I have no intention of stopping posting either to give my experience, support or as per the remit of this community "bridge misunderstandings"

I agree with fish completely here.. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a completely different disorder....and the blanket statements seem to be written in order to offend ...
Janet I'm sorry you've been hurt and there are many who feel they need to isolate when in an ill state..
If your ? friend is going out with other people for dinner etc and hasn't been in touch with you she sounds more like a fair weather friend and perhaps it's nothing to do with bipolar.. do you think?..
Depression is an illness that can be all consuming .. many people can barely get out of bed when in this state.. Any serious illness takes a toll on our loved ones..
I know when my folks were sick (from other illnesses) I was devastated.. Illness causes pain to those who care..
It sounds like you've been a wonderful friend.. Kudos to you and do what you believe is in your best interest J.. If you don't want to leave the friendships perhaps having some boundaries with how close you get would help?
Big hug for you and a blessing..x

"SunCloud",

Thanks so much for your post. It means a lot to me.

The disappearance of my female friend may indeed have to do with something other than bipolar depression, because she has mentioned a couple of times that I should "get out more" and "do something with my life" - my rather sedentary and contemplative life is difficult for her to understand, because she is virtually never home, and flies around the city day and night - she virtually cannot be home for a day, or even part of a day -

I have tried having tighter boundaries with these two friends, but it is difficult, because in the case of my female friend, we had grown so close that it seems strange to distance - and in the case of my male friend, it has been hard for me to distance because over the years, he has struggled so much with his autistic children, and he has had suicidal ideations - I know this sounds codependent, but I did not feel that I could distance at a time when he was going through such horror - but I think now may be the time. In fact, as I am writing about these two individuals, it seems to me that setting up boundaries would be the best thing for me and possibly for them, at this point.

Thanks again, Janet

I would actually love to have an answer to this question as well. It sounds VERY similar to the situation I'm going through with my fiance. He broke it off right before the wedding last week (pretty sure its due to going off meds and living in bad environment - temporarily with his family who do drugs, etc..) with NO explanation and now has a temporary restraining order for no reason (literally - they give them out like candy). All because he wanted to "disappear!" A plain old hey I need time would have sufficed. Now i'm worried sick about him doing drugs, getting a huge tattoo of a skull, watching porn again, partying, and dropping out of school! All in a week - WHAT a complete personality shift. I tried alerting doctors and police but to no avail. Now I'm left wondering IF i'll ever hear from him again, how long it will take, and if I'll be able to forgive him. Does the environment you're in affect how long an episode lasts or is it purely chemical? I worry the environment he is in will cause the episode to stay terrible forever. I mean, after 6 years together could he really just forget about me? He's adding girls on his facebook! What is going on? ;(

Superwoman:

I'm really sorry about your fiance breaking up with you - one week before the wedding, yet...that's horrendous.

In answer to your question - I think it is a combination of going off meds and the environment the individual is in - but it is like a "chicken and egg" thing - I think being in a negative environment causes the person to go off meds, and going off meds can cause a person to hang out in a negative environment -

I don't think you should have to be wondering whether someone you were going to marry is safe, or if he has forgotten you - and yes, I have seen my 2 friends go through complete personality changes when they go off their meds - it's almost like I can predict when they are going to "disappear" at this point -

My male friend finally wrote to me, but I can only feel depression and intense weariness now when I hear from him - he is taking medication, but wrote that he feels as if "a door has shut inside of him", and he can't relate to people, to God (he is a deeply spiritual person), to work, to anything. I wrote back to him that I would like to be there for him, but at this point, I don't know if I can go through any more disappearing acts, and I also don't know what I can do for him.

I would say to you that if your fiance is doing drugs at this time, and his family is also, and he has gone through a complete personality change and has disappeared with no explanation - you may want to seriously consider whether you want to marry this person - at least at this time - right now, although you obviously care about him, you are not legally bound to him, and have no kids with him - can you imagine going through disappearing acts and personality changes when there are young children in your life? Not to mention drug use.

I write this being aware of the hurt you can experience with this kind of behavior - and the people in my life are "only" friends, not someone I was about to marry - so again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Could you ask yourself - is there more good that you see in him than "bad", and is this disappearance an isolated incident, or is it a pattern for him - and if it were me, I would definitely hold off the wedding until you get more clarity - and you may decide not to get married to this person -

I wish you all the best -

Janet

Don't take it personally..... don't feel rejected. It has absolutely nothign to do with you or your friendship and everything to do with the disorder. I do the same thing when I am depressed and it is only because I just do not have the energy to maintain any sort of friendship. I have lost many friends this way as they feel entitled to my attention regardless of how I feel. They feel that attention to the relationship is essential to the relationship..... The friends that I still have and cherish are the few who do not require constant attention from me and are secure enough in our friendship that they are not offended when I need time alone. They understand that it is not about them.

Give them the space they need and be there, without censure, when they are ready to be social again. They are not doing this to hurt you or to reject you... they just literally do not have the energy to maintain any relationships..... they will come back if you welcome them.

Divine Silence: (beautiful username):

Thank you for allowing us to hear the perspective of someone who is coming from the other side - the one backing away from the friendship. It really helps me to not personalize this or feel rejected if I can have it clearly explained to me what is going on.

I first want to say that I do not expect undivided attention from my bipolar friends. What has made the friendships so difficult to lose (whether it be a temporary loss or a permanent one - time will tell) - is that these friendships have been very mutual, with intense sharing and intimacy as part of the friendship. I think that it is confusing to to see that my friends are capable of this sensitivity and have this giving nature, but then they drop out of my life.

Also, I have made it clear that if either one of them don't have the energy to be in a one-to-one friendship at any particular time, they can tell me, and I will understand and back-off. The thing which hurts the most is that there is very little, or no, "warning" that this is about to occur. I love these friends enough to give them the space they need, for however long they may need it - but I think I should be respected in the relationships, too, which for me, simply means getting a very short (even a one-line) e-mail alerting me that distancing may be necessary for them.

I have never been a person who required "constant" attention from anyone, including these friends. I also have my own emotional problems, including "generic" depression and panic disorder, so I am not coming from a background of an easy-street life.

At this point, I am starting to write to my male friend again,(he initiated it) and have offered to be there for him, if there is anything left for me to support him about. We may also talk on the phone soon. Our main connection is with God, so discussing spiritual matters may be a "safe" avenue through which to resume the friendship.

Thanks again for your post,

Janet

I don't have experience with a BP friend (although my husband is BP), but I had a friend with schizophrenia who would disappear for periods of time. I loved our friendship and she was the sweetest, most caring person to whom people responded very positively. We were friends at two different times in the past, and both times she dropped out of sight after a while. This last time I just let it go. She recently met and started dating a new boyfriend. The relationship got very intense very quickly and she stopped calling me. What can I do? She has to be who she has to be.

When people have a psychological issue, we have no idea where they are in their own mind. Same for me; I tend to be an introvert with depressive tendencies and people have no idea what's going on in my mind and sometimes I don't either. Although it feels rejecting and lonely when people we care about go into those places in their minds and need space, there's not much we can do about it. I don't think it's bad for you to briefly express that you miss them and hope they'll be ok and are looking forward to seeing them soon. It's good to tell people that you care. Just avoid getting too needy and be sure to have other people in your life. You can't depend 100% on any one person.

Superwoman
I am sorry about your fiance but he had to sow some wild oats it sounds like. I think this is a combination of HIS personality as well as his mania taking over. He didn't want to be tied down....bottom line. It is hard but during these times try to believe that g-d has a plan (are you at all spiritual?). The older I get, the more I see that he does. I hope you can find comfort in that, too. If not, just be happy that you are free to date others and not worry about having to divorce somoene who just went bezerk and left while contractually bound to you.
I am married and wish I weren't. My husband is not taking care of himself and now I don't even want to touch him. He is smoking and eating poorly and not exercising. He has gotten fat and ...eewww.
You can still get out there while you are ...welll....superwoman.