Ask them what they need from you during those times. Maybe they just want 1 message saying "I hope you're ok, I'm here for you whenever you need me". Or maybe you letting them know ahead of time how you feel, and you'd just like to know they're safe during their "crisis".

Thanks for response - I've tried both approaches which you suggested, but during these timesof disappearing out of my life, they seem unreachable and uncommunicative. But their friendships are so valuable to me that I will wait out these periods and try to understand what is going on for them, the best I can.

I know how hard, in fact devastating, that can feel. My boyfriend and I were complicated friends for years and I received the same treatment. Exactly as you described, I felt rejected and hurt because I so desperately wanted to be there for him. And the cycle seemed to be about once every four months, so it was just enough time to heal and trust and then it would start again. I could always see it coming. It still happens now that we're a couple, but in a different way. I see him decline, I comment, he admits it and tells me it's time for me to go so he doesn't hurt me. I have to wait for him to come back to his senses and to the world and leave a lifeline for him in case he needs/can reach out to me in the meantime. It is far from easy and takes a very selfless kind of compassion. Be sure to take care of your own heart though too. The people who support must be supported as well.

Thank you so much for responding. I especially related to your statement, " (There was) just enough time to heal and trust and then it would start again". I feel really foolish in completely believing my male friend, especially, when he says that he will never "disappear" from my life again. He says this with such conviction and caring - and I believe he really means it - and then he drops out of my life again. When he has disappeared, he goes into such a black depression that he can't even send me a one-line e-mail, which I have requested over and over, saying that he will not be able to write or talk to me for awhile because he is going through a dark period. I feel that I am asking for crumbs when I ask for this one-line e-mail, and it makes me feel worthless that he can't even follow through with that. Sometimes I feel like my two friends who suffer with bipolar depression are (consciously or unconsciously) punishing me for being their friend.

Thanks again -

You need to give them their space. Crisis means crisis. Be respectful. Crises are difficult to handle and can burn out a friendship. The separation is a form of friendship preservation though for them it is self preservation. They don't want you to see them as they are or they just can't do more than they are doing. It is nice that one of your friends lets you know. You would not be off by asking the other to do the same.

Thanks for helping me understand. If I see the separation as a form of "friendship preservation", as you wrote, it helps me see it from their end.

I have asked my male friend, the one who doesn't let me know, to just send me a very short e-mail if he is going to be out of commission and not contact me - but he doesn't seem to be able to do this. I have to admit I don't understand his being unable to simply send me a one-line e-mail, alerting me to his disappearance - I am not bipolar, but I have been moderately depressed most of my life, and also have a panic disorder, and although I know that it is difficult to reach out to people when you are depressed or emotionally unwell, I would think anyone would be able to send out one line to a friend who has been there for them for years, to let them know they are not up to seeing you. I guess I am still somewhat angry and bitter about this - I'll try to focus on what you guys posted here. Thanks for your responses -

I think that if my two friends whom I describe here were consistently selfish and narcissistic, I would not be masochistic enough to stay in a relationship with them. What confuses me (i guess I don't know enough about bipolar depression) is how exquisitely sensitive and caring they have been towards me, and what good listeners they have been. So when they just disappear, it feels that much more devastating, and I also feel confused about who they are, since they can do this "180-degree" turnaround so easily. I would be able to lower my expectations if they were easier to "read" as human beings...

If someone has a lifethreatening physical illness, like epilepsy or leukemia, and prefers to be alone when they are affected by it, no one would think less of them for it.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to be alone during a crises. If a person can't talk because they are ill and depressed, then all people with illnesses get the same benefit of the doubt.

Fata
I am sorry that the people you know are like this. That is not my experience with people on meds with bipolar disorder.

I'm very grateful for your responses.

"Sigmund", I completely agree with you that individuals with any kind of disease are entitled to want to be alone and isolate for a period of time. The thing that has hurt me about my bipolar friends is that, with my male friend, he just drops out of my life without sending me the one-line e-mail (literally, one-line) which I have asked for - something like, "Can't see you for awhile - will contact you when I'm feeling better".

With my female friend, even though she has told me she can't deal with "one-on-one" relationships at times, I am aware that she sees other people one-on-one - goes to dinner with them, etc. - so I am feeling like she is being dishonest with me, and that is the real issue.

At the risk of sounding whiny, I want to repeat again that, although I am not bipolar, I have struggled with depression all of my life, and also have a severe panic disorder, which is controlled by medication - but I suffered with panic through many years without meds, because there weren't the more effective meds that are available today at that time. I was still able, with depression and panic disorder, to maintain my friendships, to listen as well as to be listened to - so I'm not speaking from the viewpoint of someone who is the poster-child for emotional health. I know that it is possible to reach out, even minimally, when you are emotionally ill. But in some cases, even this may be impossible - I am willing to admit I may be too judgmental here.

Fata, I think that just as individuals with various diseases react in different ways while ill - for example, a person with terminal cancer may be the most generous, loving person you know, while a person with the same diagnosis will become bitter and self-involved - could it be the same with bipolar disorder? You mentioned that persons with bipolar depression allow their needs to override the needs of their kids - but my male friend has raised two autistic and profoundly retarded children, who are now adults, and I don't know of a better parent. So I am starting to think there may be a whole spectrum of behavior in individuals with a bipolar diagnosis. (Forgive me if this is common knowledge, but as I have said before, I don't know much about bipolar depression, especially since there seems to be so much new information and so much more flexibility in the diagnosis than years ago, when it was called "manic depression". )

Again, thank you, those who responded, for giving me insight into my friendship situation.

Your male friend does sound selfish. Not taking two minutes out of their crisis for a friend is not good.
Men and women, if you ask me, are better off not being friends anyway because there is always a wife, girlfriend, etc involved at some point and it can bring problems.
Your female friend that sees other people....all I can say is, I can't tell my father everything about me. He suffers from anxiety and depression and maybe more. He talks to me and listens where my my mom or others in the family don't/can't. If I were in a crisis, I would not want to tell him. He has never understood suicide first hand. I would not tell me best friend from highschool about my ever being suicide. She is so good to me. She listens and is patient and giving. Not going to do it because I feel like it is unloading too much. I also don't see how she could help since she has not been there. Crisis means danger so your female friend has the right to want to find someone who has coped with her situation before and can help her through. That is not the time to start deepening relationships.

If someone is drowning and you have the choice between a lifegaurd saving you versus a bystander, albeit a good citizen, but a person inexperienced with saving lives, I would choose the lifegaurd.

If she is not truly in crisis, and really just is being selfish, then that is not a friend. You say that she is there for you sooo, let her be.

Good points, "Sigmund" -

My female friend may want to keep her more intense periods of depression away from me, because she is prone to cutting herself at times - and this may be one of those times. She knows I have my own emotional issues, and although her talking to me about her struggles has never set off symptoms in me, she may want to maintain privacy if she is going through a period of self-harm.

Also, during periods of "disappearing" from me, she tends to get together with people with whom she is not very close, and with whom she can just discuss the many interests she has - but she doesn't share anything with them about her illness.

Thanks for bringing to my mind the fact that she may not want to be with a person (me) who knows her well, because this would mean having me observe that she is in a period of self-harm and/or other destructive behaviors.

I really appreciate your input -

Janet

right. i am glad you took it that way. it is unloading too much and it is just....there is no explanation....just something many don't do.

she talks about other interests with people she doesn't know well??? that is interesting. people with bipolar disorder are high thrill seekers. maybe she talks about dangerous things and what not.

You nailed it - she has always lived "on the edge", but lately has been very drawn to the grotesque (in art, music, etc.) and is exploring many systems such as voodoo (she feels it is the "benign" form...) - Thelemic rites (which many feel are very close to Satanism) - she has a Facebook page, which I check to see how she is doing, and some of the images she posts are so disturbing I can't linger too long on them -

So I worry about her, as well as miss her - but it is probably for the best that I don't see her, at least now. And she knows that I am concerned about her dabbling in the dark arts and Satanism.

Thanks again -

"I know plenty.

The ones who stay on their meds and stick with the program are still constant worry to their families .... their "loving" families.

And the ones who adhere to no regimen whatsoever spawn havoc, heartache, and a whole new generation of kids who end up in therapy themselves. "

Can you define "plenty". Is that one hundred, fifty, ten, five?

DS created this community as describe the terms of reference as

"This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar. Being Bipolar can present significant challenges not just for the individual, but for family and friends, and an open dialogue can serve as a place to share tips, tools and techniques to increase communication, reduce stress, and bridge misunderstandings. "

I don't see how repeateedly giving misinformation (e.g the narricistic personality disorder comment), and making sweeping negative generalisations fit that.

I'm sorry that your relationship with your boyfriend broke down but as you have been asking others if they think he had schizophrenia or bipolar and the answers are inconclusive it seems unfair to have such a downer on people with bipolar.