Does anyone else struggle with grieving a mother, or any other loved one, who is still alive?

 The want/need for mother/daughter closeness, like that you see in movies or in your friend and relatives relationships. My middle sister and I spent many years in a very volatile and damaging environment due to my mother’s mental illness going undiagnosed from the time I was 11 to 19, and, of course, the eventual deterioration of my parent’s marriage.  Mom began to change when my father went through [and survived] cancer and my oldest sister, at 15, left home the day he returned home from the hospital. Two very stressful events for anyone to have to cope with.  I think my childhood prior to that was fairly normal, that’s why it was so traumatizing when it did a complete 180.  Our calm, safe home environment quickly became a distant memory.

Mom spent every waking moment for about 3.5 years screaming and berating my father, she blamed him for my sister, who was completely allergic to conforming to rules and self-centered (she still is, but now a highly narcissistic mother as well), left home. It was ugly. It was crazy. And every waking moment is not an exaggeration, there was seldom a quiet night’s sleep in our home, so much so, I had to get a sick note to pass 8^th grade. Police stopped by on the regular, my father was charged with assault, when he was in fact the victim, and Child Services were involved in our lives on more than one occasion. One traumatizing event would occur that you barely had time to process before the next occurred – could probably write a book and it would be a psychological thriller best-seller. 

Dad eventually pursued a relationship outside of their marriage, something my sister and I discovered and hid from Mom. More dysfunction. Following the divorce, the main focus in our home, where we remained with Mom, was dad’s affair. She hated him, obsessed over hating him, and to have her acceptance, I felt like I had to hate him too. Further enforced by the abuse, both physical and verbal, we would receive anytime we returned from spending time with him.  If we didn’t hate him?  Well, that’s because he brainwashed us, naturally. To be truthful, I did hate him. Not for what he had done to her, however, I resented him for leaving us with her. He was unemployed at the time and living in a small upstairs bedroom at my grandfather’s. I still resented him.  

When I was 25 and my grandfather passed away, I finally recognized why I had always went bouts of writing dad off, I felt like to have mom’s love, I had to.  When I explained this to Dad, he said I know that, just asked that I try to be mindful of it so as to not let it continue. Meanwhile, all those years, I felt like I had a healthy, close relationship with my mom. It was only after moving out of province and being clear of the situation for years that I realized, I hadn’t. Aferall, they say, you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick. You see, I had learned how to work around mom’s irrational behaviours and moods, by compliance, agreement, and tending to HER needs. My sister and I felt responsible for her and her well-being.  I had lived in denial for years, convincing myself my relationship with my mom, was something it was not, when the fact was I had been grieving my mother, the mother I felt I was cheated out on,  since I was 11 years old.

In healthy relationships, you can communicate your feelings to a person, validate them, work through them, however, because of Mom’s mental illness, [she was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder by the time was 19, although, I believe it to be more schizoaffective, as there is always psychosis, delusions, and irrationality during mania], to protect HER feelings, never mind healing all of ours, together, as a family,  we don’t talk about it or the years of pain we endured due to it. Even 20 years later, she still seethes with hate and ridicules my father.

 In recent years, when she approached me with her living in the past and vicious rants about my father, with having a new healthy outlook I’ve asked her not to discuss it with me and respect  my boundaries. To which I was met with her she flying off the handle, “boundaries? I’m your mother!”.  Yes, mom, I discovered those handy little tools. Having kept my mouth shut for so long and no longer willing to be compliant, I calmly told her that my sister and I had already lived through their marriage, and we tired of reliving it, it was traumatizing and they both hurt us. Not just our father. Time to move on.  She lost her mind and I was verbally attacked and called complete dirt. I don’t respond to anger with anger, or words I can’t take back. I asked her to leave my home. She spent the months following sending me nasty texts, to which I ignored. We’ve since reconciled, though, nothing was discussed to allow for a healthy resolution, we’re just being cordial.

While it hurts, I don’t resent her, but I will however always grieve the mother I feel I was cheated out on. I’ve accepted it for what it is and acknowledge the fact we will never be able to effectively discuss and resolve the many years of hurt…hurt, which I’ve come to realize for what it is, abuse. Do I envy friends or movies that exemplify the mother/daughter relationship I desperately yearned for? Absolutely. A part of me always will.