Families of SOs Community Group
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Unknowingly, I was married to a SO for 10 years. We have 4 daughters. During that time, while drunk on alcohol, he confessed to me he had molested a 12 year old girl who was at our home playing with our daughters, who were aged 3 to 9. Back in that day, I was simply too shocked and frightened to take legal action. I left our home with our daughters, divorced him and moved to another state. He couldn't see or talk to my daughters until they were 13 or older. I had also taught them about sexual abuse and what to do if someone touches them inappropriately, or they feel scared or confused by an adult, whoever they are.
Later, other female family members, as young women, came forward and told their stories to their grandmother, that her son had committed numerous secret episodes of sexual coercion of 5 little girls in the family. All were aged 8 to 12. One was his little sister.
He was not reported to the police. The whole thing is buried behind the wall of shame and fear in the family. It makes me physically sick to think of it. Now my daughter and her husband are pregnant with a baby girl, due in November. I am terrified of the danger the baby will be in, if her grandfather is allowed to be around her. In my mind, he shouldn't be allowed to hold her, touch her in any way, or be alone with her, ever.
In my research, it's said that pedophiles "groom" their targeted children with cuddling, hugging, tickling, buying special gifts, encourage "secrets" to be kept from Mom and Dad. and use their familiarity to hide their actions and intent. I am very scared to bring it up to my daughter, out of fear of upsetting her while she is pregnant, but I intend to once the baby is born, if not that day, the day after.
I wish I didn't have to share this. I wish the family had done the right thing and report him. He would be in jail now, and no danger to any other child. But this is the situation.
I don't care what he thinks about it. I know he hadn't "changed" I noticed him watching TV while visiting, and it was a show about child beauty pageants .He was clearly way too interested in the show for an adult. I wanted to punch in his face for his disgusting behavior.
If others think I'm not very forgiving, that's too bad. I will do whatever I can to keep this child safe. I have told everyone in the family I would support reporting him and let justice be done, but I'm met with the wall of silence. I need desperately to know other mothers and grandmothers who are in my shoes.
I get it that families suffer if one of theirs goes to jail, or is accused, or is on probation. BUT!!! What about the victims and people like me who suffer and live in fear, how to deal with a known pedophile who has skirted arrest, trial and jail by hiding behind their mother. Please! I need help!
Later, other female family members, as young women, came forward and told their stories to their grandmother, that her son had committed numerous secret episodes of sexual coercion of 5 little girls in the family. All were aged 8 to 12. One was his little sister.
He was not reported to the police. The whole thing is buried behind the wall of shame and fear in the family. It makes me physically sick to think of it. Now my daughter and her husband are pregnant with a baby girl, due in November. I am terrified of the danger the baby will be in, if her grandfather is allowed to be around her. In my mind, he shouldn't be allowed to hold her, touch her in any way, or be alone with her, ever.
In my research, it's said that pedophiles "groom" their targeted children with cuddling, hugging, tickling, buying special gifts, encourage "secrets" to be kept from Mom and Dad. and use their familiarity to hide their actions and intent. I am very scared to bring it up to my daughter, out of fear of upsetting her while she is pregnant, but I intend to once the baby is born, if not that day, the day after.
I wish I didn't have to share this. I wish the family had done the right thing and report him. He would be in jail now, and no danger to any other child. But this is the situation.
I don't care what he thinks about it. I know he hadn't "changed" I noticed him watching TV while visiting, and it was a show about child beauty pageants .He was clearly way too interested in the show for an adult. I wanted to punch in his face for his disgusting behavior.
If others think I'm not very forgiving, that's too bad. I will do whatever I can to keep this child safe. I have told everyone in the family I would support reporting him and let justice be done, but I'm met with the wall of silence. I need desperately to know other mothers and grandmothers who are in my shoes.
I get it that families suffer if one of theirs goes to jail, or is accused, or is on probation. BUT!!! What about the victims and people like me who suffer and live in fear, how to deal with a known pedophile who has skirted arrest, trial and jail by hiding behind their mother. Please! I need help!
You can also educate yourself on signs of grooming. TLC is doing a special on the 30th about sexual abuse. Talking with your daughter and grandchild about sexual abuse helps to prevent sexual abuse.
Ultimately, it is up to her and her husband to determine if the grandfather will have any access to the grandchild (if there isn't a court order or probation/parole restriction).
Keep talking about it, by doing so, keeps something like this a secret, which only fuels the fire of sexual abuse.
If I were in your shoes I would trust your daughter. She knows about your ex, she knows what he has done and she can make the best decisions for her child. I personally wouldn't have someone who has never owned up to their crime around my children alone.
My husband abused our daughter. IF he is ever released, everyone in the family will know. It won't be a secret, that is for his benefit as well as anyone else. I do believe he has changed, but if people know his struggles, it's easier to help him keep himself straight.
Anyway, I remember coming to a realization about how to communicate with him. I stated this to myself, not so much to him: "Because of choices you have made, I am forced to react in a way I would never have chosen. If you had shown any signs of repentance or remorse, I would have been very kind and forgiving. However, with my children's safety at stake, I cannot afford to put my trust in you. In light of this, the steps I have decided to take are..." Then I listed the specific actions I had in mind, such as consulting with an attorney, etc. When it came time to actually talk to him, my mind was clearer for having talked this out with myself beforehand.
If you decide to talk to your ex or write him a letter, you must be aware that your daughter or other family members might become so angry at your interference, they will block you from having a relationship with your granddaughter. You might be more useful to your granddaughter by staying quiet and observing.
Sometimes, I think the involvement of DHS or whatever it's called in your state, does more harm than the alleged abuses. Actually, I KNOW this to be true in a few cases. They get the police involved, question the children repeatedly, and don't know how to just let it go, if the child doesn't want to tell them some kind of sordid story. DHS is also very good at yanking children away from the only home and family they've ever known and putting them with total strangers.
I know I'm probably preaching to the choir and you already know all this. Bless your heart. You're in a really difficult position. Just remember that none of it is your fault. You aren't the one committing any crimes. But, like the rest of us, you're the one who has to live with the ongoing nightmare, the stress, and the devastation.
Also I hope that the girls involved are taught to identify as survivors and not victims. As some survivors on this forum will tell you the difference in the rest of their lives can be significant.
I understand the anger and desire for justice, but sometimes we lose sight of what justice really is, and we forget about the damage done to those in the cross fire by a system that really doesn't give 2 craps about justice.
I'm in no way saying people shouldn't report abuse. We reported my step daughter's abuse by a family member. I'm just saying at the same time, we really should re-think how our system works and the over emphasis on continuing punishment that can tear familes apart, rather than help, healing, and education for the victim/survivor and the rest of the parties involved.
Be clear that what that person is trying to do is against the law and harmful to them.
Please do not make lifelong victims out of them either, it is not fair to put someone in a prison such as that label does to many. To me it is just short of the kind of abuse that happens when someone calls another 'stupid' over and over. Victims suffer endlessly, survivors thrive, why be a victim when you can be a survivor.
By telling your daughter the truth about the history, try to be diplomatic about how you say things, or she will stop listening to you and your message will be lost. Tell her what you know, is there another family member like an aunt or even sister-in-law that might be able to give her the same story from their perspective as well. This might help her see past your obvious bias against the man, her father. Remember your end game is to warn her about the dangers of leaving her coming child alone with her father, not to turn her against him, or cause her to defend him from you.
It isn't like you don't have a reason to be animated about the potential dangers, but doing so, might cause ears to close rather than open and listen and at the very least take precautions. So things such as, she shouldn't ever let him touch her baby, might be more confrontational than you want to go if you value your relationship with your daughter.
Question though, why do you live in fear? Was your ex husband a violent man to boot?
I also agree that advising your daughter of past history, and letting her know that most sex offenders do change, but making sure everyone in the family knows will help ensure that your ex doesn't slip up.
If you pursue legal action against him you may well end up "the enemy" yourself....and it would do no one any good. At this particular time I don't believe the punishment truly fits the crime...and he wouldn't get any help, just punishment. And I'm not sure that 24 hours postpartum is the time to discuss this! Hormones would be bad enough during pregnancy, but the first few weeks are way worse!
One other thought...you said you have 4 daughters. You really should discuss this with the other three to prepare for the future. I would share your concern with them over the health of your daughter who is pregnant and that it's the reason for sharing the information with them now. Then when you speak with your daughter she would have the support of them but they would be armed with the real knowledge of the situation to also protect your granddaughter......but that's just my two cents! :) Only you know all the personalities involved and can make the right decision for you and your family.