Families of SOs Community Group
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Today at 9 am I will see my husband in person for the first time since Sept 3 2015. Our visits have been thru monitors at the jail. I took a personal day so I can find out myself the date they will hold his trial. Apparently I'm hiding info from my mother because I didn't think it necessary to tell her as I am a 44 yr old woman supporting my 2 kids just fine. She found out yesterday in was off and asked why. I responded in a bad way. I stated that I never asked her why she took days off. Of course she said that she always told me because she had nothin to hide. I may be wrong here but I don't seem it necessary to tell her my every move. Anyhow the fight started because I said I didn't want an audience tomorrow and she said she wants to punch him because of what he did to her granddaughter.. so I in return said then she needs to punch her granddaughter too. She's angry because she said I still blame my daughter for her part in this.. no. I still hold her unaccountable for her actions that led up to my husband being arrested. I still make her attend counseling. I still monitor her. No, what my husband did is still wrong and he deserves to be punished, but he also needs help for his sex addiction. I have forgiven enough my daughter and husband so I can begin to have peace. Apparently my mother can't even tho she brags she's a Christian even tho she won't step foot in a church and has all kinds of bibles and study guides that have never been touched. I want everyone to heal and be at peace. Anger is a destructive emotion. She also feels I should hate him for his actions. I hate the actions, but I truly love him and I cannot hate. So I'm a bad mother and person because of how I have reacted and dealing with this. I have a few short term plans and a long term plan for my life. Short term I'm training to get into the management program at my company.. no one is gonna take care of me but me. Better hours, more money, and can move up considerably. Long term I want to research a new town in another state. My youngest graduates in 8 yrs so I don't want to uproot her until she's finished and off to college. I live my mother but she has always tried to control me. She's always been emotionally absent. Never hugs or tells me she loves me. I make it a point to hug my girls and tell them I love them. Never once has my mother said she is sorry this has happened to me. All she cares about is her business and how I'm not helping her. My husband built all her shelves and equipment in her store so his fingerprints are everywhere. I feel sick and I get a headache every time I go into the shop. I understand that she's hurting too. She loved my husband like a son. And that's rare for her. She feels betrayed too. But I have to take my own time and heal my way. It has gotten better and easier since the holidays have passed. I turn to God for my help and know he's the only One I an truly turn to. I'm sorry this went from court to mother issues but she has had a huge negative impact on my ability to move through all this. And if she found out about the letters and visits she would try her damndist to hurt me. I really feel she would call CPS and convince them I am putting my girls in danger because I may let him back into the home.. there's a no contact order with my 17 yr old but not on my 10 yr old, they deemed him only a risk to my oldest, but when he's a registered SO ( btw TN makes you register at the conviction, not after incarceration,) he may not be allowed around my youngest which sucks. She's still daffy about him. My mother is that devious. Thanks for your time reading this. Hope all of you all have a blessed day. Keep me and mine in your prayers or good thoughts.
I read your message and I am sorry that you have been placed into this situation. These situations are gut wrenching and often the family left behind tends to fuss with each other, pointing fingers of blame instead of embracing each other. There is so much confusion and hurt that sometimes people act in a bizarre fashion.
But you said one thing that is very important-------" I have a few short term plans and a long term plan for my life. Short term I'm training to get into the management program at my company.. no one is gonna take care of me but me. Better hours, more money, and can move up considerably."
Right now, taking care of your girls and yourself---for not only the present but also for the future----- is the most important task at hand. Your girls need a protective hand and emotional heart which only a loving mother can provide and you need to take care of yourself so you can keep your family---you and the girls---together in a positive manner.
One way to accomplish that is to better yourself through education by getting into that management program, always looking forward to the future, and seeking a better job with better pay so you can financially support you and the girls no matter the outcome of this particular situation. In other words, work on yourself and protect the girls. The successful people in this world are continually trying to better themselves in some manner.
You made a most remarkable statement when you said ----" no one is gonna take care of me but me." Nothing could be truer. This can be a cold, cruel world at times and sometimes we find ourselves all alone making difficult decisions.
I talk and encourage a lot of young people, even though I am much older. I don't know how many times I have seen a young lady with several kids in distress. She has very little money, no real job skills, and a dismal future. For whatever reason she has not been able to prepare herself adequately for the hardships of this world.
Learning to be self-sufficient means you will never have to rely on anyone----especially not a man----to help support you or your family.
Of course you should support the guy you love in this situation, but right now you and the kids come first. He will make it through this somehow and he should understand your situation.
Just take one day at a time and God Bless your family.
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Do not let this take you down. I like the short term and long term goals you have.
Do not let anyone tell you how to live your life or who you should love and not love. As i still love my husband. Yes what he did was terrible and never should of happened but it did and there is no way of undoing it. He was a good man to me and treated my kids good, but had this secret of his. It came out and hurt me and my girls as he was abusing them and i never knew it. People believe i should hate him for what he did. I hate what he did. I was angry with him for awhile but have worked through it and have forgiven him. I have lost family and friends over this.
No one knows how they will feel or handle a situation like this until they are put right in the middle of it. They can speculate all they want about how they would feel or what they would do.
Remember to take care of your girls and yourself and take one day at a time.