Surviving on the Outside: Advice for Newbies, Part 2

On January 26, 2016/ By Sonia Acosta


surviving on the outside part 2

Today’s post dives into the subject of Safety & Emergency Contact…both our safety and our loved one’s. Advice from people who have survived on the outside.

I hope you enjoyed last week’s Part 1 of this very useful information found in a quarterly newsletter from Prison Talk. Last week’s post talked about the timing of phone calls, letters, lock downs, etc. and advice given by those who have already lived through it.

Safety and Emergency Contact

~sometimes you need to accept things on faith. You may really want an explanation, or details of things, and he doesn’t want to get into it. Sometimes it isn’t a good idea for him to discuss what is going on, as there are ears everywhere, which can cause issues with DOC, court, or other inmates. You may also represent what is “good”. He may feel like bringing you into that world makes you dirty, so he tries to keep you separate.

~just like he needs to be careful, so do you. There are a whole bunch of people who thrive on creating drama, and often these are the same people who have been “so nice” to you. They will be quick to spread how you went out, who said hi, what you were wearing, who spoke to you, etc., etc. The gossip inside of prison is treacherous and rampant. I am friendly, but not overly so. I have had people (visitors AND CO’s) try to dig out information–what is our relationship, how often am I visiting, why didn’t I visit lately, etc., etc., and there was really no reason for them to ask. I figure if someone doesn’t know who I am to him it’s because he doesn’t share anything with them–and if he doesn’t, I won’t. Things that seem innocent can turn ugly in a second; it is very easy to twist an innocent comment to sound like something else, particularly if you want to start trouble. So even if it sounds silly, sometimes a little paranoia can be helpful. ;)

~it can be tempting to “fight” the system. Don’t. If you want to advocate for your guy by calling the warden, or going to central office–talk to your guy first. The whole “pick your issues” is really good advice. And you don’t want to stir up the hornet nest when he is still standing there, unprotected, in the middle of it.

~Sometimes we need to consider the worst case scenario and plan for it, hoping that it never happens. If he gets really sick, unless he has signed a release of information, neither the doctors nor the DOC can provide you with any information. If you cannot reach him, or he cannot communicate, this means you will not be informed of his medical condition. Have him sign the HIPPA waiver so that medical information can be released to you. Many states have policies and forms available on line; check your state or federal prison to determine their emergency notification process and provide him with the form that needs to be signed. You are probably best off having him sign 2; one to be turned in immediately, the other to be sent to you and available in the event it is lost, etc.

~If you are the only person in his life, ask him to make you his next of kin or emergency contact—or find out who it is; this may be someone you would like to form a relationship with as they will be notified if something awful happens to your loved one—and they, in turn, can notify you. If you are the contact, talk with your loved one about who they want you to contact if something happens and what they should be told. It is better to have these conversations in advance than to have to act, unknowing, at a time of crisis.

~You may want to designate someone your mate trusts to contact you under certain conditions; such as if he becomes very ill, hurt or hospitalized, or if he is taken to the SHU and unable to make contact with you. The parameters of this contact will need to be really clear so that you don’t have unwelcome contact. You may want to establish a ‘safe’ word that this person has to say so that you know the contact is on the level; perhaps to be used when they tell GTL or Securus, etc., who is on the phone…so if ‘golfing’ is the safe word, they say John Golfing is calling—and then you know to take the call. Make sure that when you talk to him about this that you call it a “safe” word and NOT a “code” word. If DOC hears the word “code” they automatically think something is going on…

~Remind him to remove all return addresses from envelopes, and not to leave names and phone numbers where others can get them. This is to spare you from unwanted contact from someone who was able to secure your information.

~If s/he is in trial, or facing appeal, do not discuss any aspect of the crimes. Be cautious in any discussion that may present him/her in a negative light. Dependent upon the system, the charges they are facing & their notoriety, letters can be read and copied and transcripts of phone calls can be reproduced. “Everything you say can and will be used against you—and them.” Along with this, they need to remember that they do not have ‘real’ friends inside & this is NOT the time or place to take someone into their confidence to talk about their case. There are too many people looking for deals; remind your partner not to be the cause of someone else getting a lighter sentence. The ONLY person they should talk to is their attorney.

We hope you will be able to find some of this advice helpful. There is still more helpful advice to share. Check back in with us next week for the final part of this series, Part 3. We will be sharing advice for newbies regarding your relationship and communication with your loved one.

Thank you for allowing us to share this journey with you.

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