I feel you. My fiancé pled guilty to possession of underage pornagraphy this week. I am staying with him because I understand what happened in his emotional health that brought him to a place where he compulsively downloaded any and all porn.

This has been so hard and I’m so scared for him, us, our future, etc.

Basically, I don’t have advice for you- but feel your pain right now.

Steff,

I will write more in a few days as I am covered up helping other families going through the same situation you are. I will most likely send you a private message to answer your lengthy message you sent to me a couple of days ago.

I want to assure you and all the other mothers, wives, GFs, and family members who have a loved one involved in this mess that these situations are DOABLE and manageable. By DOABLE, I mean you can and WILL get through this and most likely come out on the other side in decent shape. DOABLE is a word that you should keep close to your heart, as very few of these situations are “life enders.” By DOABLE, I mean if you play your cards right, you can get through this.

The only situations that are not as doable is if the accused has raped a string of children or has multiple counts of a very serious charge.

People who have never experienced the criminal justice system sometimes panic as they have no idea what is waiting for them in the future. The fear of the unknown is the greatest fear a person can have. You ladies do not come from a family that has been in trouble with the law over a period of many years, so of course, you are terrified. Who wouldn’t be???

@steff,

Your husband’s mental disability and his frame of mind when he committed this crime is a mitigating factor, which I am sure the prosecutor will downplay as much as possible.

You said, “He has been charged with attempted first degree rape.”

I don’t know how a computer crime turned into an attempted first degree rape charge, but if that is what he has been charged, we have to work from there. I can tell you that when he negotiates a plea with the prosecutor, the attempted first degree rape may be reduced to a lesser crime, which will help him. Sometimes first degree rape charges are reduced to child molestation or something lesser if the victim is less than 18 years of age. The prosecutor will always give a little to get a sure conviction in exchange for a guilty plea.

You said, “I have no idea what to do.”

There is not much you can do except support your husband, tell him you love him, and that you will always stick with him no matter what. Both you and your husband need to “take one day at a time” in this situation. Worrying about what may or may not happen six months down the road is a prescription for a mental meltdown.

If you do find that this situation is beginning to consume you, go to your doctor and get some meds to help you cope with this. Over 90% of the mothers or wives I help are on antidepressants-----and they help. It would also be a good idea to start seeing a therapist or having someone you can trust to talk to. Keeping all your negative emotions inside is not healthy and will only contribute to your anxiety.

Trust me, I have been through this mess. I not only have helped others through my support, I was myself falsely accused and spent almost a decade in prison; following that, I was on the sex offender registry for almost 14 years.

You said, “I am standing by him because he’s not a bad person.”

I have no doubt that he is a decent person. Over the years, I have talked with hundreds of young men convicted of a sex offense. People who commit these types of crimes----solicitation over the internet or child porn crimes----are not bad people, but people who need some help. Remember, these are non-violent, non-contact crimes for the most part and are not the types of situations I see in which an offender molested a string of children. Big difference here.


Usually these offenders are going through a period in their lives in which they do something stupid and are caught. Many CP charges arise from an adult porn addiction that just ran off the rails. These people need help in the form of therapy. Most of the people who commit these types of crimes would never touch a child or rape a woman by force. They become bored and use the computer as an escape from a point in their lives where they were unhappy or dissatisfied. Many of these are non-contact offenses are mental health issues.

Steff, I think you addressed the central issue when you asked, “is this life impossible? I am so scared”

There are over 800,000 sex offender registrants in this country and most are doing OK. People get through this every day. Your loved one may go to prison for a few years or be placed on probation, but even that is not the end of the world. He may have a problem finding employment and the neighborhood busybody may shun you as a family, but you will survive. No, it sure as hell will not be easy, but it will get easier as time goes by. Right now, all your attention should be on your husband, you, and your children. He has an attorney, which is a good first step. Listen to the attorney. Take one day at a time and know that this will be over someday.

Nothing last forever and there is no such thing as always.

God bless you,

rewdiazepam

@Rufiosmom,

You said, “I feel you. My fiancé pled guilty to possession of underage pornagraphy this week. I am staying with him because I understand what happened in his emotional health that brought him to a place where he compulsively downloaded any and all porn.”

Don’t allow others to take your dignity from you by telling everyone your fiancé is some kind of monster. Some people take great joy in kicking others when they are down, as it makes up for all their shortcomings in their miserable lives. You know your guy better than anyone else, so both of you need to cling together. Possession of CP is not the end of the world and I know many offenders who were charged and convicted of CP crimes who are holding a decent job and are able to get on with their lives.

Keep your faith.

rewdiazepam

@rewdiazepam

Thank you. You are a blessing today. Other people have been the stuggle. My family pretends he doesn’t exist, I am distancing myself from my friends, and am clinging to the people that understand. That has been the hardest part. Hearing someone who has gone through this situation and comes out on the other side is so helpful. My fiancé has a support group he has been going to (until he remanded himself this week in hopes of a lighter sentence), but I haven’t been able to find a support group for myself. I have been going to SAnon meetings, but it doesn’t quite fit the situation and doesn’t feel like the right fit. I can say that his situation is exactly what you described and honestly, more of a compulsive collect and never look at/ look at for train wreck type of situation.

I’m rambling. But I just wanted to say thank you for taking time On Thanksgiving to respond to the OP and me. I can speak for her, but it helped lift me up on this incredibly hard day.

To add to my post a few minutes ago-----You ladies need to do everything possible to take care of yourself during this period. I know you are frightened, emotional, scared as hell, and feel as if there is nowhere to turn. And I feel badly for that.

But, if you allow yourself to get down---physically or mentally----you will not be in any shape to help your loved one. They need you now more than they ever have before. In these situations, it is imperative that you be strong and healthy.

Eat sometimes even if you do not feel hungry. Don’t skimp on nutrition. Get some decent sleep and if you are not sleeping well, get to the doctor and have him prescribe you some mild meds to allow you to relax. This situation stresses the human body as much as losing a child or another family member. In fact, I cannot think of anything that places as much stress on the human body and mind as having a loved one arrested for a crime.

The human body---both physically and mentally---was not meant to deal with being bombarded with all these stressors on a 24/7 basis. It can hold up for a while, but not for too long. So you may need some outside help.

And I cannot stress this enough----If you feel as if this is consuming you, get your behind to a physician and get some medical help. Hell, these situations would turn anyone to mush. I consider myself a strong person, but there were things that happened to me that brought me to my knees a few times. It is no crime to need some extra help; the crime is needing that help and refusing to reach out to others.

If you are not suffering from depression, you probably will be. Many of the modern antidepressants belong to a family of drugs called SSRIs; they are very effective with few side effects. A couple of them can also be bought on Wal Mart’s four dollar prescription plan, so you can buy a 30 day supply for four bucks.

Do NOT be afraid or ashamed to reach out to others. If you feel ashamed b/c of your loved one’s crime, get over it. Trust me, many other people in society, particularly the duds who might try to shame you and take away your dignity, have done things in life as wrong as what your men have done.

Do NOT isolate yourself from others.

And we need to have faith. I don’t know if you are a Christian or a regular church goer, but I can tell you this from helping others----it is much more difficult to get through these situations without some faith. If you are a Godly person, pray and allow God to help you. There are times when we are so helpless that we just have to put things in God’s hands. I am not a particularly religious person, but I have seen the miracles that faith can bring to others.

If you do not believe in God or don’t care, get some faith in something. Faith is extremely important in these situations.

rewdiazepam

I will reply more later! Doing thanksgiving with family and our amazing friends sticking by us!
We are in New York— there aren’t specific solicitation charges here so people who transmit photos to a minor get charged with disseminating indecent materials to a minor and those who travel to “meet” the minor are charged with attempted rape charges
It seems as though most plead guilty to attempted rape in the second degree which if he scored low enough would put him level one (which I am quite confident he would) so our information would not be accessible online
But he didn’t attempt to rape anyone! Another thing they are sometimes they are charged with attempt of a criminal sex crime in whatever degree

In my experience with CP offenders, many offenders suffer from a situation in which an addiction to adult legal porn just got out of control.

Usually, these offenders have had something negative happen in their lives that they were dealing with. It might be a failed relationship, too much time on their hands, a substance abuse problem, an unhappy time in retirement, or something that caused them to download illicit images. In other words, something helped drive them to commit the crime. These men are not broken human beings but are lost in that they are looking for something in life that is not there at the moment.

They often begin with adult legal porn to satisfy their cravings for excitement. After the legal porn no longer does the job, they go to more radical and sometimes bizarre forms of legal porn----BDSM for example. After a while, the BDSM does not satisfy their cravings and they start looking at bestiality---sex with animals. Finally, they start looking at the most taboo subject, CP or children and sex.

Now I am NOT condoning or excusing what CP offenders have done, but I am mentioning that many are not pedophiles or men who would ever touch a child. And I am trying to convey what helps drive some of these men to collect and view CP.

Again, CP is wrong, but there has to be a reason why some men look at it and most don’t. I am only theorizing here.

rewdiazepam

Steff,

You have a nice Thanksgiving dinner and time with your family and loved ones. It is nice that some friends are sticking by you. Some people are not so narrow minded to think that your husband is a monster or pedophile. Some of us out here have common sense. Unfortunately, many of us believe everything we see on TV and have lost any semblance of intelligence when dealing with sex crimes.

You said, “We are in New York— there aren’t specific solicitation charges here so people who transmit photos to a minor get charged with disseminating indecent materials to a minor and those who travel to “meet” the minor are charged with attempted rape charges.

WOW. There is a lot of difference between solicitation of a minor and attempted first degree rape. But if New York does not have a solicitation statute, I guess they can charge with attempted rape, although that is a little crazy. When he pleads, the attempted rape in the first degree will be reduced to a less serious charge.

Keep your chin up.

rewdiazepam

So I need to tell you both that I’ve read your replies several times over the last day and I am so thankful to have found this group.
@rufiosmom- please pm me if you need to talk. I, like you have no advice, but I am a pretty decent listener.

@rew- thank you for your replies. I sobbed reading them to my husband this morning. I kind of kept them to myself yesterday so I could keep going. I am feeling better today but not normal yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel normal again but something more like the life before this would be a welcomed feeling.

@rew I should clarify. I am not isolating myself. My family and friends do not understand and he and I have decided to keep things at arms length until we can explain the situation (which is very similar to what you described) and once the legal issues are behind us. I spend time with them, but always have an exit plan. I am lucky that his family and friends have embraced me fully and are the people I am choosing to spend time with. I spent a day or two laying around moping, but today am trying to create a temporary new normal. Walk the dog, workout, eat all the foods that he won’t eat with me. Also, have been seeing a therapist on the TalkSpace app, which I fully recommend.

@steff I agree with you 100% These messages helped me get through yesterday.

I’m so greatful that I found this. Both of your situations sound exactly like mine with my husband. And although we are seperated we are very close and I love him dearly and he’ll we will always be our family. Right now he’s not even allowed near our children because of the nature of the charges. I feel like our whole world has been torn apart. He is a wonderful person and has a heart of gold. He made a stupid mistake that has ruined his life. We live in a very small town also so there’s no escaping the judgement of people. We have been living with this for a year now, the court system kept push things back and he goes to trail in January. Someday I just want him to plead guilty so maybe he can get a lesser charge or little time others I prey he fights the charges because they are so ridiculous.. I’m going to stand by him no matter the outcome but I’m just lost. I’m trying to be so strong for our children, him and his family but he was the one who always took care of us. I really just love my family so much and want them all to be ok and happy and there’s days I just don’t know what to do. Sorry about my rambling I just don’t talk much to anyone about this because I’m a private person and people are just so judgemental. I’m just scared of what’s yet to come

I wish I had advice but this just happened to my family a few months ago.
We were told by child protective services that they can’t legslly do anything about my husband living with our girls because he hasn’t been found guilty and he didn’t do anything to our children. I’m sorry that they have separated your family. That’s the toughest part of this situation is not being able to be with the person you love. Have you sought out a lawyer to try to have your family live together?
I would reach out to Rew- above - he has made me feel a lot better about this situation
He said the word to keep closest is doable
These situations are doable
It won’t be easy but thousands of people have and are going through it. I have bad days. Some parts of each day are bad. I’m trying to focus on the good and pray to God that we end up with a plea deal that is good and we can move and put this behind us.