I should add that my brother hasn't contacted me since this took place on June 1st. and he's in town for business right now. The family got together tonight and I did receive a text from my sister and my mom saying we are 'welcomed' to come to dinner. It was a 30 minute notice. Clearly, I'm not comfortable going since I haven't heard from my brother.
And since I found all this out, I don't feel comfortable talking about my husband to them. I don't feel I can trust them. And that's sad.

I know my sil does not talk to me or her brother and he is serving time really close to her, and not me. She is the liberal one in the family.lol The cousins on his side that I asked her not to tell, but she did, are the most supportive. Maybe after some time has passed, things will get better. Maybe they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say?

Stayoptimistic,

I think it is terribly disrespectful for your family not to honor your wishes and keep this situation private.

You said, " When I did tell my brother I had one request, he not tell his kids because my child texts with his. (They live very far away) but, he did tell his kids. I expressed how I felt betrayed and his reason is "he didn't want to lie to them"

He didn't want to lie to them? Did they ask him point blank about your husband's charges? Not mentioning it to the kids is NOT lying to them. It is just not talking about a situation. Sounds like your brother has absolutely no respect for you, and that is very sad.

Here he has a sister that is struggling. It does not matter the reason you are hurting, you are sill hurting. Yet, he knowingly does things you have already asked him not to do. Maybe he does not realize it or maybe he does not care, but he is greatly contributing to your pain in this situation.

You will learn how cruel a family can be. I have talked to many mothers who have been ostracized by their own family only because she stood by her son's----her own flesh and blood----side when he was arrested for a sex crime. This just makes my blood boil.

My God, even animals protect their young. What are these mothers----and wives----supposed to do? Are they supposed to abandon their loved one and throw them to the wolves of the criminal justice system so our deranged system can grind them up and finish them off???

At a time when the family should be taking you in their arms and comforting you, they are pushing you away. Doesn't make a darn bit of sense to me.

Just amazing.

rewdiazepam

The hardest time is right at the beginning. You don't know who to trust, but once the cat is out of the bag, you can't put it back in.

People should watch "Avenue Q", which is a musical that is a Sesame Street knock-off for adults. One of the big songs is called, "The Internet is for Porn". The internet is addictive. That has been proven. Some people start watching and need more and more stimulation. That is how addictions work...in a cycle.

What has happened to you is extremely painful and traumatizing. You need time to cry and be angry. It is OK to miss and love your husband, despite what others might say or their behaviors.

You may have to sit back on this for a while and let the dust settle. It sounds like you have a caring family, even if they couldn't keep your secrets. Trust me, it would have come out anyway.

Also, doesn't sound like they are your best source of support right now. You can always come here. We care. Your family will come back to you and you will be able to forgive them. They are traumatized by this, too. Hopefully, they are looking to each other to try to figure this out rather than judging you and your husband.

In either case, this situation is a call for compassion for everyone--you, your husband, your family, your community. Just remember, the more compassion you feel for others, the more you will feel coming back to you.

Thank you for that. That's exactly what I've been thinking too - he's not lying. His kids didn't come out and ask him if my husband was in prison. Hell, they don't even know the guy! I gave my mom an ear full when I learned she told my aunt and my instincts told me she told my siblings way before I did. Do you realize what I fool I feel?? The day I sat there telling my sister all about this horric situation in my life and my mom was right there too and now I know that day my sister ALREADY knew! And the day I called my brother... The tears he heard on the phone. And he already knew! I dislike drama so much that's why I have always had a tendency to keep things in. Don't want to stir the pot, but my mom, brother and sister have hurt me deeply and it really makes a person feel lonely.

My mom and I patched things up, but it still hurts. I finally asked her the other day if my brother ever asks about me/us. She said he does and she doesn't want to get in the middle of it because it's too upsetting to her.Its not upsetting to me? This is who they are. Self absorbed. I'm the black sheep of the family. Sensitive, caring, empathetic etc.

My family when they found out, went around telling everyone they knew, and didn't see why I was upset with them for it. THEY decided who should be told and not told and when - even family members that live far away and maybe only see them every few years (if that).

I quickly learned that I couldn't trust them. This place was where I could go, if I needed someone to talk to, and not feel judgement. my relationship with immediate family is strained. Those who live states away, I don't ever see them, so we don't have a close relationship. I have one family member that has been very supportive and found some good friends who also have been supportive.

I hope you too find a close friend or family member that is supportive, that you can confide in, without fear that whatever you say will be shared with others. Of course, you always have us...

Thought - I'm so very sorry to hear that. But I see how you understand what I'm feeling. It's very hurtful that my own mother, sister and brother have betrayed confidential information. It's OUR STORY to tell. Not them.
I'm trying hard to remain in good spirits and again, I'm sorry to hear about your family, but happy to know you do have someone.

Ugh I am so sorry for this happening to you. I can only compare it to my family and when I do I see a glaring difference. My family was very good about keeping it quiet - they love my son and when I told them that the less people that know the safer he would be they complied. So what I take from that is that your family did not care enough to respect what you had asked. I am most surprised about your Mom - None of us really know what we would do in that situation unless we were faced with it but I think I know what I would do. I would write a letter - at the start of the letter I would tell all the reasons you feel hurt and betrayed by them. Then I would tell them that everything the base their judgements on about this crime are falser fear mongering by LE and the media - and them I would bombard them with the statistics and the truth. I would send a copy to each part of the family and then I would never contact them again. The ball would now be in their court. I would also let them know (perhaps nicely) how ignorant it is of them to "visit" the crime of your husband on you - you did nothing wrong. Are they religious? If yes, ask them would they have you break your vows becasue of this? I believe most marriage vows say something like "for better or worse"

My mom has always loved my husband. Just like another son. However, I wonder if my family members (mainly sister and brother) were just kind to our faces then talk behind our backs. The 3 of them cannot for the life of them, own up to what they do wrong. It's almost impossible to apologize. They will have an excuse. So, by me writing letters to each of them will do no good.
I guess I just carry on like I have since the first of June. Not saying anything about my husband because I can't trust them. And to limit time with them. One would think something like this would bring a family closer together...

Stayingoptamistic

I don’t know if this will help, but I have learned, that no matter how hard you try, keeping a secret is like trying to hold an inflated beach ball under the water. Eventually its going to pop to the surface.

When my son was first arrested I was devastated and didn’t want anyone to know ‘cause I knew the fall out that would come from them knowing his charges. Well guess what, many found out every detail of his arrest even before I did. I had no idea at that time how every detail could be found on the internet. I had people calling me to ask if I knew he had been arrested and blurting out all of his charges, and even what the victim had said about him…. My friends and family immediately starting falling away like flies.

I have had to watch as my son’s life, this child that I love with all heart, fall apart a piece at a time. Friends and family alike turned their backs. His wife took up with someone else a month after his arrests, cleaned him out in a divorce, and is refusing to allow him to see his kids even though the judge said he could. I could go on but the list is too long.

I had to make a decision, and told my son that I would be there for him no matter who else was not, and at the end of the fallout, we would know who our true friends were, and we would start to rebuild from that point.

It has been a year now, and we embrace the friends and family members who chose to support him, and the rest, friends or family members alike can go to hell. Simple as that, and painful as that. We had to make a choice just like everyone else did, and I chose to stand with my son even if it meant we stood alone. I don’t have the energy to spend fretting about what others are doing, or whether or not they like me. My son needs me, and that is where my focus will be going forward.

There is a certain amount of relief in not having to cover up a secret any more. I don’t go out of my way to talk to everyone about my son’s situation, its no ones business, but if they ask I tell them what I want them to know. If they want more they can look on the internet.

Writing a letter to your family members who hurt you, I believe is to give your feelings expression and to basically put the ball in their court. If they contact you and voice their support, then you will know who you can count on. If not, don’t waste your time being upset over it if you have decided to support your husband. Concentrate on him and what you need to do for him, and let the rest go. Find new friends who will uplift you and create a new life for yourself. It may not be easy at first, but its doable.

Good luck to you.

excellent advice Misty!

for the most part as far as my daughter is concerned her 2 closest friends immediately dropped her. but my friends and those that she and i shared have been very supportive. the family that we are close to are also supportive.

the rest of them??? yep, they can go to hell and stay there. if they are that weak, then neither i nor my daughter want them around us and we sure the hell don't want or need them in our lives.