Families of SOs Community Group
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Good morning!
I am glad to have found somewhere to turn for support. I am still extremely new to the entire concept of sharing a life with someone currently on probation. He has always been extremely open and honest with me about his conviction and the entire probation process. He owns his mistakes and doesn't try to rationalize what he did. He was arrested several years ago for cp, of the teen variety, served jail time and is two years away from the end of his ten year probation. He is a wonderful man and we want to build a life together at the end of his probation. But there is so much left to figure out and I don't have a clue where to turn for answers. He talks openly with me about his recovery process and any concerns or questions I have about the mechanics of living together, life on the registry, etc.
The biggest obstacle we have is that I have a child. I know him well, I know his support group and his officers. He is not a danger to my child. But I am extremely nervous about how to incorporate him into my life considering that my child's father and I are still close friends. We have something of a five year plan. So I know I have time to figure out how to approach the subject with my child's father. But in an otherwise perfect relationship this is troubling me already. Has anyone encountered this before?
I feel like he needs to know before I make the decision to marry and move our child in with a man on the registry. But I also don't see a way to be honest about this that my child's father will understand. He is a wonderful person, but can be very close-minded. I don't see him waiting to listen to my significant other's whole story of recognizing what he did was extremely wrong or the guilt he feels over his actions that eats at him every day or how disgusted he feels with himself from time to time. He has an incredible heart and he is not the same person anymore at all. But I can't find a way to communicate this to my child's father in a way that he would accept when the time comes.
I am very glad to have found this group and thank you so much for creating this support network!
I have been in this business for a long time---over 25 years---eight years as an inmate, 13 years as a registrant, and now a support person. I don’t usually post over at this board, but let me see if I can’t help you in some manner.
If I am reading your post correctly, the man in your life is a sex offender and is two years from completing his court ordered mandated sentence. You have a child by a previous marriage and said child lives with you.
Once your guy is off probation and only on the sex offender registry, most states do not forbid an offender from living with a minor child. If you and he marry and he becomes the child’s step-father, I don’t know of any state than prevents a step-father registrant from living with his step children. His court ordered sentence will have been completed and the registry in most states does not stop registrants from residing with minor children. So, legally, he will be fine.
BTW, what state do you live in??
The only problem I see is if your ex-husband---and the father of your child---has a problem with a sex offender living with his child, he could file a complaint with CPS---child protection services----and initiate an investigation. The people at CPS are difficult to deal with and they may put your through quite an ordeal. Just because they start an investigation does not mean you will lose custody of your child, but they will be on your front porch to ask some tough questions.
Actually, anyone can file a complaint with CPS; it does not have to be the child’s father.
If you and your ex are close, this is something you both need to talk about and talk about extensively. If he has no problem with his child living with your guy, then I would find an attorney, draw up some papers, and have him sign them that he is OK with his child living under the same roof as your guy.
Also, if CPS comes knocking at your door, make sure you have a copy of any favorable psycho-sexual evaluation your guy may have had done while he was in therapy. This evaluation is usually favorable for most CP offenders and usually says something to the effect that “the offender has a very low chance of reoffending.” An evaluation will help in that it shows that a neutral and unbiased party and a health professional has determined that your guy is no threat to children.”
But when the time comes for you two to get together, I would pay an attorney a visit. Procedures differ from state to state and a local attorney will know the personalities of the players in his area as well as how thoroughly the local CPS investigates these claims.
As far as how to proceed to introduce this idea to your ex, there are several things which may help. Remind him that the CP was teens, not children. Also, show him the psycho-sexual evaluation.
You can also educate him on CP offenders and the fact that most of them are not child molesters or contact offenders. You can find studies on the internet which will agree with this. Most all of the CP offenders over the years I have spoken with have never touched a child.
For example, people who view pornography, or naked images of females do not necessarily go on to sexually assault a female; and many people who have viewed CP do not molest children. In fact, I have seen no study which definitively shows that viewing CP is a progression which ultimately leads to child molestation.
If you and your ex are close, I would approach this issue with kid gloves, but it might help if he got to know your guy. That may be awkward, but perhaps by knowing him, the ex would feel more comfortable.
I wish you, your child, and your guy well. If you ever have any questions, do not hesitate to either post here on the board or message me.
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