Families of SOs Community Group
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I don't even know where to start. I'll start with my Dad had just gotten out of prison this past June. He did 8 years for child pornography and lewd conduct with a minor (I think that's whats it called). Everything has been going good since he's been out. He's in a transistion home and trying to re-establish himself in society. Me and family are trying to mend our family and heal the wounds. We have all started going to group counseling with him to help figure out what went wrong and how we can help. Growing up he was literally the perfect father. I have a bother who is 34, a sister who's 41 and Im 39. So my Dad went to prison after we were all adults. Me and my sister have children, some grown, some still young. when he went to prison we questioned our children to make sure he had not done anything to any of them. They all said he hadn't. I told my children he just moved to Texas to live for a while because I didn't want to tell them the truth and hurt them. A few years into prison my daughter began to question why he was in Texas and what's going on. So I told her the truth of what he went to prison for. Nothing else was ever said about him. Until it got time for him to get out. Now he's not allowed to have contact yet with minor children, we are still going through the process to be a chaperon and was supposed to possibly be allowed to introduce him to the children again by the holidays. My daughter of course is 18 now. She was about 10 when he went. But my younger two are 16 and 8. Me and my daughter were talking about pyscholgy the other day and how people are affected by tragedies. When she said sometimes kids don't remember things until years latter and how she didn't remember her ordeal until she was 13 and something triggered it.
I was shocked, and asked her what and who was she talking about. She gave me a strange look and said, You already know. I asked her if it was my Dad and she said yes. She said she was very young. I had absolutely no idea this had happened. I am devastated. When he got out of prison, I even asked ifg she cared if he stopped by to say hi and meet him again. I couldn't figure out why she didn't seem too excited. Now I know and feel horrible. She says she's already worked through it and has had the years to heal. I don't know what to do. Do I tell his counselor? I don't want to see him go back to prison. My daughter says she feels he has already served his time for it and just wants the family to heal but she will never be close to him again. I am completley at a loss. I'm angry at him and hurt. Why didn't he confess all this while in prison? I don't want him to get another charge, but if I bring this up in counseling I don't know what will happen. But I cannot stay silent about this either if we are to move forward. I want and have to do right by God and my daughter. I have no idea what to do and our next counseling session is next monday of which I told my Dad we would spend the day together afterwards. Now I don't even know if I can face him. I angry, numb, and hurt all at once. Please any advice on this would be appreciated.
If you mention this to his counselor, he will most likely be reported to law enforcement. Counselors, teachers, physicians, health professionals, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. are called mandated reporters. This means if they hear or are told of a crime against a child, by law they are mandated to report it to authorities. Of course, then the authorities open a criminal investigation.
If the counselor is made aware of this new revelation, your father may very well be arrested and the judicial process will start all over again.
Unless the misconduct is egregious or violent, most of the time it is best to keep it in the family and allow the family to work it out. Going to law enforcement just opens another can of worms and you will have more problems than you started with.
He is already in counseling. Law enforcement couldn’t care less about your father or the welfare of your family. If they get a chance, they will see that he is punished again and most likely sent back to prison.
People think that the police are there to help people, but that is not true. Police and those in law enforcement are not humanitarians; their job is to make arrests of those who break the law. If a person is a suspect, the people are not your friend, nor are they the friend of the family. In fact, once they get a person on their radar, their goal is often to send him away. This is a bitter pill to swallow for those who were taught as they were growing up that the police are the “good guys” but it is true.
The days of Andy of Mayberry are long gone.
If your daughter has healed, I don’t see the point of dragging the family through this mess again. I would, however, keep him at a distance from my children.
I am assuming he is on probation after his release from prison, so his probation officer will continue to monitor him closely.
It is a tough decision what to do in these situations.
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I have been working in reform of the criminal justice system, helping sex offenders and their families, and working in prison reform for almost two decades.
Your father has paid a steep price for his sins and crimes. If he has apologized for his crimes and addictions, then I would understand that he is probably apologizing for everything he has done wrong, including the indiscretion with your daughter.
He can do no more than apologize and work to make himself a better man and a better father. Apparently, he is doing his best. You even said he was a wonderful father. Give him a chance and cut him some slack.
I work with a LOT of child porn defendants and their families. Most CP offenders are not evil people who are a huge threat to molest children. Many CP convictions arise from a legal pornography addiction that just got out of control. Sometimes men come to a point in their life where they do crazy things. They may have a marriage on the rocks, an alcohol problem, are severely depressed, unemployed, or are at the age in which they feel not needed anymore. I have seen this hundreds of times.
Your dad will suffer plenty, as sex offender probation is no picnic, and there will always be the sex offender registry to deal with. He has so much on his plate. If he is trying very hard, I would just leave this alone.
Your father does NOT need more humiliation and punishment. He needs some therapy to understand why he began looking at CP, and your family needs to start the healing process. Sometimes we pile on these guys which makes things worse.
You sister is extremely naïve. If she thinks the police are so great, I hope one of her family never makes a mistake and ends up committing a crime. Then she will see just how the police and the DA act like “hired guns” to put people away regardless of the circumstances.
I was in prison for almost a decade on a bogus rape charge, and I can tell you that prison is not the answer for either your family or your father. He will receive very little help or therapy in prison. He has served enough time for his crime---too much in fact.
You, your family, your dad, and your daughter need this time to heal.
If you ever need me, contact me here on the board or via a message.
God bless you and your entire family.
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I sent you a private message.
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