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Need advice, I am the parent of a child who was li

Kittyk96
Kittyk96
My now 37 year old son moved back home when he got sick and lived with us for 3 years before being arrested. When he moved in with us we gave him our bedroom and turned the dining room into our bedroom. When he was arrested for the second time and I learned he would not be coming home, it took us a few weeks, but we reclaimed our bedroom. Had to for a couple of reasons, the dining room is drafty and when closed up in the winter gets cold (we live in an old farm house with very little insulation), and I found myself expecting him to walk out of the bedroom (I was having a hard time with the fact that he was not coming home).
The issue I am having is that he thinks we have left his bedroom as he left it and I have not been able to bring myself to tell him that we didn't.
Am I a bad mother? Should I have left his room as it was? Should I tell him that we moved back in to it?

I love my son more than life itself, but I am also a realist, he was sentenced to 10 years in NY State, and is facing another possible 15 years in Montana. He has moderate emphysema, and marfans (the reason he moved back home, he was diagnosed with both when his lung collapsed). The chances of him living long enough to come home are pretty slim.
Kittyk96
Kittyk96
I forgot to add, there is also a god chance I will not be alive if he is released. I was also diagnosed with emphysema, and stage 2 lung cancer.
rewdiazepam
rewdiazepam
Kitty,

Of course you are not a bad mother. Don't even entertain such a thought. You have supported and worried about him for some time now. Nobody in their right mind would ever think you were anything but a good mother.

You needed his bedroom, he is gone, so you moved in there. The room is still there, but it just is not like he left it.

He will not be home for several years anyway as he has a lengthy sentence, so it is really a moot point. I would just never mention his room to him. Why should he know? If he asks, you can tell him, but there is no reason to mention it otherwise.

When I went to prison the last thing on my mind was my living quarters or any of my possessions. I realized everything would be different and changed when I was released and I figured I would cross that bridge when I got to it. Too much else was going on to worry about something so trivial as that.

He will understand. Since he will be away several years, why would he care?

Keep your chin up. Things will work out and start to get better with time.

rewdiazepam
Compassion4all
Compassion4all
You are not a bad mother. And if I were your son, I would like you to move back to the main room to have a peaceful night sleep every night.

Don't feel guilty. He is not going to come home in a short period of time, the room will just go waste if he is not going to be there. If he comes home several years after, he might not want the room to stay exactly the same as it is. A new beginning might be something he would look forward to.

The most important thing for him to know is that you will always have the room for him at your home when he comes back to you.

You are a GOOD mom to him to be there and show the support and unconditional love. Don't let yourself or others tell you otherwise.
tearsforson2
tearsforson2
You have been there for him. You are a good mother. I know it is hard at times, because it is easy to take on guilt and wonder how our children ever got to be to the place they are. But they need to be responsible. I am with the other individual who said do not mention it to him, if he is going to be there for a long time, then it makes sense to turn your home back to your own space. It is for your own sanity.
Kittyk96
Kittyk96
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
@ rewdiazepam, It was my bedroom before it was his. What gets to me is that he mentions it in almost every phone call or letter. He sent me a list off all the stuff he wants me to hold onto for him including over 400 DVD's, and he tells me exactly where they are in his room. I kinda get the feeling that him thinking that his room is waiting for him is one of the few things helping him deal with everything, so no I won't say anything, I can't do that to him. (By the way, he was well enough to live on his own, he just chose not to. And yes he's my baby, my youngest, and he is ill, so of course I could not force him to get an apartment). It's just that I feel so guilty when he says "if you go into my room...."
bsmom14
bsmom14
kitty, the NIGHT my son was sentenced i came home and boxed up everything in his room (our house) including his computer and put everything away! It changes nothing....he is still welcome....it was just too painful to walk down the hall and see his room as if he was only at work and would be home. And i told him that i put his stuff away. Our life does not stand still because of what they have done! Take care.
Kittyk96
Kittyk96
@bsmom14, thank you for telling me. I'm glad I'm not the only one who did that. The day they arrested him for the Montana warrant his probation officer came with the cops. She told me he would not be getting released, that Montana wanted him held.The next day I packed up all his stuff.
I felt the same way, I kept expecting him to come out of his room. No our life does not stand still.
You take care as well.
NicoleDavis
NicoleDavis
kitty, you are a good mom. He can never say you deserted him in his time of need but like bsmom14 said our lives do not stand still because they are gone. I have to remind my husband of that all the time. He always says send money and pictures. I have to remind him when we were in the courtroom on the day you were sentenced the judge did not give you 10 years and say mrs. Davis that excludes you from paying bills for the next 10 years. As for packing up things of his I left all his belongings in our room when he was arrested. while I was at work the ceiling caved in near HIS dresser and ruined most his clothing. I moved to another bedroom since the whole in the ceiling made it drafty I told him immediately when he called that night and that was one of the worst mistakes. That is all he talked of and he blamed ME so we argued for months. Point is some not all inmates can be selfish I don't know your sons attitude but for arguments sake don't tell him but pack up and go back to your room. You deserve to be comfortable.
Kittyk96
Kittyk96
@ NicoleDavis, thank you for replying. I am sorry your husband blamed you for something you had no control over. I hope things are better for you now? My son has always been a bit self centered, I'd always hoped he'd outgrow it, but he hasn't yet.