Families of SOs Community Group
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December 22 of 2016 my life fell apart when a warrent was served at my home for CP distribution. I was arrested for one count and spent 6 days in a holding cell thinking of ways to end my life. When I got out my wife was already packing and selling things in the house. Her parents came down to help. We also have a 8 month old daughter. When the raid happened we both lawyered up because we thought it was pot related so they separated us and treated both of us as offenders. They went in on my wife threatening to take our child. My wife had already had a child taken from her when she was younger and I knew that she was reliving that. I asked that my wife be allowed to sit next to me and they relented thinking they would get some sort of confession but I only asked because I wanted to hold her one last time.
They took me to jail and charged me with one count of distribution. So my babies first Christmas was spent with me in jail. I have never been on any trouble before. I kept sitting there having disassociation episodes where I would feel reality fading away and I was telling myself that it couldn't possibly be real and then reality would crash on jarringly over and over. My bail was only $5,000. Let's just say the guards were not happy when they heard this. So after 6 days I come home to no job, no certification*I was a EMT* wife leaving with our child to California.
I opened up to her and told her everything. She was pissed but she also told me that she really couldn't judge because when she was younger she had looked up material like that. We both agreed that because of the deep south small town area we lived in that leaving would be the best choice so it would "get them out of the line of fire." We agreed that this would be difficult but we were going to get through this. I was optimistic because I have some friends in LE that are friends with the DA and others that were going to vouch for me that I'm not a danger and I was told that I may be able to please down to a different charge that wasn't a sex crime and wasn't felonious.
Right when I got out I sought out a lawyer first that specializes in sex offenses and I also found a therapist that has experience with sex offenders. I wanted to make all the right choices...Make the right steps to mitigate this nightmare as much as I could because I had a family to look forward to being with. Two days ago after 3 days of "needing space" my wife calls me and tells me that she can't do it and it's over. I'm already my worst accuser. I've never made excuses. I've been dealing with so many suicidal urges. We were so happy. I was a first time father at 33. I never thought it'd happen to me and now all that is gone...My best friend and baby...All gone. I'm moving between my parents and grandparents. I don't have a job I don't even know where to start. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life and why would I even want to taint someones life with what I've done? Family is polite but I overheard things said. I'm really sparse in giving details about where I'm from and who I am. I wear long sleeves alot cause I have this massive star of life on my inner forearm and I don't want people asking about where Ive worked or why I'm not doing that anymore.
My arraignment is in March..I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to serve time or what I'll do when I'm out. My wife is already ringing the bell about child support. I want to be a FATHER and a HUSBAND not a paycheck!
You guys are the first support group I've reached out to. I've always put my family first...I've always provided for them...And now those three descriptors of who I was...EMT.. Father...Husband...All gone and it's my fault. It's my fault that my little girl could grow up without a father...Even if they called me in and just wiped the slate clean and let me go...No jail no record...I still couldn't forgive myself..My life would still feel like it was over. I just need some help.
I served almost a decade in prison for a sex crime---not CP-----I did not even commit, but I made it through. I lost my wife, my medical license, and my business; but I can tell you that there is life after this. If I can do this, you can also.
I may be one of the few people in this world to understand your situation, including your feelings. I went through the same thing years ago, so I understand your situation.
First of all, while it is important to realize that you made a huge error in judgment, it helps nobody for you to beat yourself up day in and day out for your crime. In my work, I see lots of guy with CP charges and none of them are monsters or perverts.
With one single count of CP, there is a good chance you will not go to jail or prison; you may just get probation particularly if you lawyered up so soon. In exchange for a guilty plea, the prosecutor may even reduce the charge from a felonious sex crime to a crime which is not a registerable offense.
The wisest thing you did was get an attorney.
I don’t know if this is a state or federal prosecution. If federal, CP charges have mandatory minimums. Distribution and Manufacturing CP carries a mandatory minimum sentence of five years; possession carries no mandatory minimum.
I now work in prison support, support of sex offenders and their families, and have done some work for the Innocence Project. In other words, I am here to try to help you.
You said, “I was arrested for one count and spent 6 days in a holding cell thinking of ways to end my life.”
Please, don’t ever think about taking your life. There IS life after these charges and these situations are DOABLE. I know many sex offenders who are doing reasonably well after they were sentenced. There is absolutely no reason on earth that you cannot do well also.
Right now your mind---your brain----is being flooded from all directions on a 24/7 basis. Your mind and nobody else’s mind can do well when it is being bombarded with grief, shame, the fear of the unknown. Know that you messed up, but learn to forgive yourself.
Your wife may stay gone. We have to deal with the facts.
If you are not taking any mild meds for depression and anxiety, you probably need to be. Make an appointment with a family physician and tell him or her what you are thinking. There are many modern anti-depressants out there with few side effects. Perhaps you need something to get you over the hump until you are a little stronger to better cope with this.
You said, “I opened up to her and told her everything. She was pissed but she also told me that she really couldn't judge because when she was younger she had looked up material like that.”
Some people are not psychologically cut out to go through things like this, and your wife is probably one of them.
One thing I always tell the folks I help is to “take one day at a time.” I tell them to not worry too much about the future, since worrying is so counter productive. Worrying about something that may never happen is never good for anyone.
You said, “My arraignment is in March..I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to serve time or what I'll do when I'm out.”
Try to stay positive.
Keep in touch. You are NOT alone, as many others are dealing with the circumstances such as you have.
If you need to talk, you can always send me a private message.
Your friend,
Rewdiazepam
I am sure your words are very helpful. You are right, this,too shall pass.
You seem very knowledgeable about the system, what to do when you get out, etc
My son is serving 4 years for sex contact with a minor. To make a long story short, he met a girl on a dating site for over 18. Sh is reportedly 19. They have one daye, have sex, and he sees her a couple of more times. 9 months later police come to his work, he was a head chef in an upscale wine restaurant, arrest him and he spends 2 months in county until we can raise 1/2 mil in bail. He has never even had a traffic ticket. The girl was 15. The judge called him a sexual predator out trolling for children. He has never ever done anything before.
Now he will reg as a Level 2. How does he find a job?
There is talk he would be eligible for disability? He wants to work as he always has but who hires a SO?
Some advice would be appreciated.
Chefsmom
I am assuming he received a four year prison sentence, which he is currently serving. You may or may not realize this, but a four year sentence is a light sentence for sexual contact with a minor. I had one mother’s son who receive 15 years and another mother’s son who received 12 years for basically the same crime.
I have been in support for almost two decades ever since I was released from prison after serving eight years of a 20 year sentence in Oklahoma on a bogus rape charge, so I know the system pretty well. I also worked as a law clerk in the law library in prison and have done a lot of work with sex offenders and those on the registry.
Your son’s case really irritates me to no end. If this young lady was on a site for people over 18, then your son obviously had no idea she was a minor. But the law is very unfair, and not knowing her age---even when she misrepresented her age----is no excuse. That is so unfair, but that is how the system works, unfortunately.
You said, “The judge called him a sexual predator out trolling for children.”
Trolling for children on an adult dating site?? I don’t think so.
You asked, “How does he find a job?”
Employment and housing are the two biggest obstacles for sex offenders when they are released into the community form prison.
I write often on several sex offender and prison boards. Just a few days ago, I addressed this very subject on the “Families of Prisoners Forum” here at DS. I will copy and paste what I wrote.
Please note that my reply here was addressed to the GF of an inmate in prison, but within my message I have a lot of information regarding employment for felons and sex offenders. As I said, the message was addressed to the GF, so the wording might be awkward at times.
I will copy and paste it here for you. Read it and if you have any questions, just message me on this board. I come over to this board a few times a day to check my messages.
This particular message was written to address a situation of an inmate released from prison and not necessarily a sex offender, but the general terms would be the same for both.
Here is what I wrote regarding employment-----
“”””I am a guy, but I have been helping inmates and their families for years, as I was an inmate at one time.
Offenders---and especially sex offenders----usually have problems with employment once they are released from prison. The media has scared the hell out of the public with all the sensational stories of someone coming out of prison and murdering or raping someone. As a result, with the media instilling fear in people, people are scared of those coming out of prison---and they usually do not trust them either. Many are reluctant to ever help them. This is sad, as they do not understand inmates or ex-offenders.
We all have to have employment, and finding employment is difficult for most inmates released from prison.
The best manner in which to solve this problem is to become self-employed and start a business. I like the idea of a furniture manufacturing business, as it will help build a person’s confidence, keep him busy and off the streets, and also help support him and his family in a financial way.
Having a worthwhile job or starting a business also helps an ex-offender develop and keep his self-esteem, and self-esteem or a sense of self-worth is a big factor in keeping someone from re-offending and sent back to prison.
You may not realize it, but YOU are very important in his life. Yes, you are a partner and love him, but you and all the other ladies here are much more. You are “anchors” which allow an ex-offender to live in a stabilized environment. Some of these guys who have nobody else in their lives tend to be easily led astray. In my many experiences---both in and outside prison---I have learned to admire ladies that stick with their men, as I have seen first-hand how important they are to the guy. You can also help him in such areas as employment.
Working for oneself has huge advantages. A person cannot fire himself, obviously, and there are no pesky background checks, which are a problem for many felons. A person can set their own hours to a point, yet have a secure job.
Sometimes finding employment means thinking outside the box.
Construction or some form of manual labor is an excellent way to make a living. Many, many felons work in some form of construction, and some even start their own construction business. Nobody really cares if a guy has a felony conviction and there are usually no background checks.
Some construction / manual labor jobs I have seen inmates become successful at are building decks on mobile homes, building add ons in regular homes, laying carpet or vinyl flooring, roofing, installing siding, doing landscaping, brick laying, plumbing, electrical work, etc. This list is endless. If you have spare time, sit down and make a list of the people you have hired---directly or indirectly---to do things for you. The list will be lengthy.
I have an ex-prison buddy who is in construction and he has his own successful company. He builds decks for mobile homes, lays rock for driveways, installs swimming pools, installs steel roofs on houses and buildings, installs siding, does minor remodeling---adding on small rooms to an existing house----lays flooring, etc.
I have another ex-prison buddy who had a problem finding a job, so I told him, “Buy a riding lawn mower and start mowing lawns.” He resisted at first, but he finally did it and now mows lawns in the spring and summer along with mending fences, and he does drywall work and lays flooring in the winter months. Anybody can mow a yard, and if you find some larger lawns to mow, you can make some money.
The problem is that the ex-offender must be willing to get his hands dirty, work long hours, and work on weekends sometimes. I had my own pharmacy business, so I know the hard work and long hours necessary to build a business and be self-employed.
Too many people are not willing to work. Let me give you some examples. I bought a new mobile home on eight acres about 10 years ago. I am a former sex offender who went to prison for a long time on a bogus rape charge, so I needed to get away from people. About six years ago, I needed a new deck built on my home. Hell, I could not find anyone who wanted to work to build it. Finally, I found a guy over 200 miles away who came and built the deck.
Last summer, I decided to replace my floors with vinyl tile. I bought the tile, but I found it difficult to find anyone who wanted to lay the floor. Nobody who I would trust to do a good job wanted to work. Finally, I contacted a Russian immigrant and he did a great job. He came to work around 8:00 AM, after driving over 150 miles every day. He worked until dark and through one weekend to lay my floor. As he was laying the floor, I watched him and thought to myself, “Gee whiz, that does not look like rocket science. I think I could learn to do that rather quickly.” I could have and anyone else could have learned it, but you have to be willing to work.
The last few days we had an ice storm in Oklahoma. Two days before the ice storm, one of the turbine vents blew off the roof of my house, leaving a 12 inch diameter hole in my roof. I knew the rains and ice were coming and with a hole in my roof, my ceilings were bound to be damaged. So since I am not stupid and not about to climb on a roof, I searched for a roofer. I called several roofers who either did not have the time or did not want the job. Remember, people do not want to work these days even if you offer them top dollar. Finally, I found a young man who fixed it and did a great job. He was willing to get up on the roof, work at an odd hour, and do something not many sane people want to do----climb on a roof.
Businesses like plumbing are great choices for self-employment. When a woman has a bathroom with two inches of water on the floor because of a leak, she does not care who comes to fix it. She just wants it fixed. Ex-offenders can do work like this.
There is not much in life I can guarantee, but I can guarantee you this-----If your guy does good work and is reasonable in price, he WILL succeed. People all over are looking for guys to do jobs for them and they are hard to find.
It may be that some of these jobs might require some education. Going to a vo-tech school for 12 months to learn a trade is an excellent idea. I have a friend who took a 13 month welding course in prison and he is now making over $25 welding for a small welding business. Welding is not rocket science. Most anyone can learn to weld with some practice and experience.
Self-employment is always best as getting hired by another company is difficult. They use background checks and often if they know you are a felon, your application goes in the trash. An ex-offender can never expect to be hired by most corporate companies with a central office somewhere, as they all do background checks. But he can find a job in construction, welding, roofing, etc. for a while until he learns the trade himself.
Once he has learned the trade, perhaps with your know how, he can start his own business. A person does not have to be Einstein to be successful in his own business, but he does have to use common sense and be willing to work long hours while getting his hands dirty. Basically, he wants to take in more than his expenses.
But you mentioned a furniture business. You sound like an intelligent woman, so I am sure you can help him with any business decisions.
I don’t mean to imply that self-employment is the only solution to an offender’s employment problem. Sometimes an ex-offender can find a great job in a mom and pop type business or one in which the boss does not care about any criminal record, but self-employment is usually the best way to go. For example, I have some friends who were once in prison---one makes a lot of friends being in prison for eight years---who are truck drivers. They drive trucks cross-country and even locally for a small carrier. Most companies couldn’t care less that one of their drivers is an ex-offender.
I want to give you some links to some messages I have written and some discussions I have had over the years which may give you some more ideas. Some of these links will take you to the sex offender board, so you may have to join the group to access the links-----
http://tinyurl.com/jncwj2c
http://tinyurl.com/j9flh24
http://tinyurl.com/h7du7op
http://tinyurl.com/z9bbb2t
http://tinyurl.com/he6rw8f
http://tinyurl.com/hr4xs92
http://tinyurl.com/ouro2ty
http://tinyurl.com/hwkes53
Being a felon does not mean that a person cannot be a success once released from prison. But it does mean that the ex-offender will have to work hard, work long and odd hours, and be willing to do whatever it takes to find and keep a job.
You have enough here to keep you busy for a while. If you have any questions you can message me. I post on several forums, but I do come over here several times a day to check on my messages and to see if anyone needs some help.
God bless you and your guy,
Rewdiazepam
The link to the actual thread, which contains this message is here-----
http://tinyurl.com/jj4bag8
Chefsmom, if you have ANY questions or ever need to talk, just message me here on this forum.
God bless you and your son,
Rewdiazepam
PS I don’t think disability is the answer for your son. He obviously is intelligent and has talent in other areas. He does not need disability. As I have stated, intelligent people ALWAYS seem to find their way through these situations and come out the other side on their own two feet.