Families of SOs Community Group
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Good evening. I haven't been on in a while as I'm taking my last class for my master's degree and am really stressing.
After thinking about it for many years, I've decided it's time for a divorce. It has nothing to do with the RSO situation; we've been rocky for many years and I've just had enough. I did my best for our son's sake but I feel like I'm drowning under all the problems my husband brings and I have to do this to survive. He doesn't want the divorce.
Anyway, the reason I'm here is because I'm on the fence about what to do about visitation. Obviously I hold all the cards because of the RSO thing, but I'm not using it against him in decision-making. There is no question that I have full custody and he gets supervised visitation, but the question is about that visitation. The attorney tells me that it's usually in one of CPS's SAFE centers for a couple of hours. I think it would destroy my son to be restricted to this situation. So I asked if I could supervise the visitation in my home--- I'm a public school teacher with no criminal history and would most likely be found acceptable. This would be best for our son, I believe, but I also believe that my husband would try to take advantage--- stretching the time, manipulating me emotionally to stay, etc.
The attorney says judges are usually happiest when divorcing couples agree and tend to grant their requests. So do I choose what's best for our son and will be stressful for me, or do I keep the visitation where it will be rigidly structured and no risk to me? Or the middle ground---- try it at my home and tell him if he pushes it too far we'll go to the standard SAFE center route?
thanks!
After thinking about it for many years, I've decided it's time for a divorce. It has nothing to do with the RSO situation; we've been rocky for many years and I've just had enough. I did my best for our son's sake but I feel like I'm drowning under all the problems my husband brings and I have to do this to survive. He doesn't want the divorce.
Anyway, the reason I'm here is because I'm on the fence about what to do about visitation. Obviously I hold all the cards because of the RSO thing, but I'm not using it against him in decision-making. There is no question that I have full custody and he gets supervised visitation, but the question is about that visitation. The attorney tells me that it's usually in one of CPS's SAFE centers for a couple of hours. I think it would destroy my son to be restricted to this situation. So I asked if I could supervise the visitation in my home--- I'm a public school teacher with no criminal history and would most likely be found acceptable. This would be best for our son, I believe, but I also believe that my husband would try to take advantage--- stretching the time, manipulating me emotionally to stay, etc.
The attorney says judges are usually happiest when divorcing couples agree and tend to grant their requests. So do I choose what's best for our son and will be stressful for me, or do I keep the visitation where it will be rigidly structured and no risk to me? Or the middle ground---- try it at my home and tell him if he pushes it too far we'll go to the standard SAFE center route?
thanks!
Sorry to hear your ending your marriage with your husband. I have to say thank you for being open about letting your husband see his child. I know of many mothers who will refuse to let the father see his children because of the crime alone.
I would recommend going with the SAFE Center Route if you are worried about being manipulated or taken advantage of (at least for now). It wouldn't hurt finding out more information about the place and if they have workers that could provide supervised visitation in your home. I know in Eastern NE the State has workers that allow workers to come into the home for supervised visitation. Of course it will be at the cost of the parent/parents.
Good luck with everything and hope it all goes smoothly for you and your family.
Good luck with your decision making.
Look at what's happening in MO. with the riots. I would bet that a large number of those looting and destroying are fatherless.
As a child's advocate and parent of an SO, myself, I would suffer through my own pains and do what is best for the child no matter what.
One thing in prison I noticed which I found sort of odd----since my friends and I came from a family with both a mother and a father--- is that 99% of the young African American men had no idea who their father even was. I assumed that the father got the mother pregnant and was out of the picture very quickly. No father, no support, only a mother. BTW, they WORSHIPPED their mama.
And the majority of the other inmates---the whites----did not have a father growing up or living at home when they were growing up, although the percentage was not nearly as high as the blacks.
I know that many children do not have a father figure in their lives, but the young men in prison without a father figure was a MUCH higher percentage than you will find on the outside.
This makes perfect sense. With no father figure and the mother forced to work to support her children, there is not a lot of time to bring up the kids. So they suffer, and many get into trouble and go to prison.
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They demand protection of their children. But they expect the law to do it and not the father.
I have stressed this before and I will again. The ladies need to lead the charge for change of ML. They need to change their views about who belongs on it and who doesn't.
Was it your TEENAGER who solicited affection from an older male online just to satisfy THEIR need for a Daddy figure? Did that happen when you were at work struggling to make ends meet with a family you are raising alone?? Would your teen be better off with 2 parents?
Too many....FAR FAR too many fatherless children.
If more people would think about THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN maybe we would have less divorce and people made to protect their own instead of having a horrible law do it for them.
FAMILY Think FAMILY!
I had a similar talk with a friend, who wanted to keep her children from her husband because she was angry he cheated on her. Completely different situations, and I am not saying you are doing this, but I told her, he may have cheated on you but he is still the father of those kids and they need him just like they need you to both be adults about this.
You really could put the screws to him though, our society never forgives or forgets about past sex offenses, you will always have that option. I think you may be going into this though with the idea it won't work out, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try as hard as you can to make it work because of what is best for your child. You don't have to put up with him all the time now that you are divorced but put on a happy face for when your child gets to see him.
I hope it works out for you!