Families of SOs Community Group
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My son read the link below..it tears me up to think that the same things this man faced is what my son and others will possibly face. They offer classes on the inside but ,How cruel to release them without some guidance or direction when entering the outside. The system seems to want them to fail. They deserve a second chance but, the registry prevents that and keeps them in a forever prison. Yes they made their mistake but so did the murderer and the drug dealers and the robbers but, when they are released they don't have to register ..why? they get a second chance at life at proving themselves but, not sex offenders. They are possibly a large contribution to societies homeless population due to the laws that are in place against them specifically. They paid for their crime like everyone else, give them the same chance. Many turn their life around and serve God with thankfulnes for his mery and forgiveness but why then do so called Christians who preach of love and of God's forgiveness turn their backs on sex offenders in a way they would never do for other crimes. I would say to them you are in much need of forgiveness yourself. Compassion is very much needed for the so and their families. How can they look forward to being released if this is what they have to face.
Let’s try to address your problems one at a time.
In the beginning, a mother has so many emotions bombarding her mind that she is usually confused. When one’s mind is inundated with grief, disbelief, anger at the system, fear, etc., it clouds one’s capacity to think effectively. A mother or a wife is fearful of the present situation, but as someone who is not familiar with the criminal justice system or sex offender problems, she is scared to death with a fear of the unknown. All this is natural.
First of all, it is important for you to realize that your son is not some kind of monster, as most people would lead you to belief. The great majority of folks who commit sex crimes are not inherently evil people, but people who have made terrible choices in life by offending. Many do not even have victims, as their crimes were for offenses such as child porn or solicitation of a minor, but there was no physical contact.
In my experience, many sex offenders are dealing with some form of mental disability---autism, Asperger’s, a bipolar disorder, ADD,.ADHD, OCD, or some other disorder that lowered the threshold for common sense and made it easier to offend.
Most offenders are rather harmless and would never reoffend. The recidivism rate for sex offenders is about 5%, which is the lowest re-offense rate for any crime except murder. In prison, I noticed most of those with sex crimes were fairly decent guys, who were rather meek individuals and not troublemakers. Sex offenders are rarely evil people. So continue to support your son, as he is most likely a decent human being.
Try not to listen to other people when they try to drag you down. Most people who are very judgmental toward offenders and sex offenders are compensating for their failures in life. Misery loves company. Many people get a big kick out of knowing someone is having more problems in life than they are. Some folks harshly judge sex offenders simply out of ignorance and from watching the media cover a sensational sex crime. The media has instilled a lot of fear and hate in the general public toward those that commit sex crimes.
I don’t know the details of his sentence, but it sounds as if he was sentenced to seven years in prison and then lifetime probation upon his release. If so, the lifetime probation bothers me. Do you live in Arizona?? What state is his conviction from?? Lifetime probation has been struck down in at least one state that I know of. But I am getting ahead of myself, which I don’t want to do.
If he is headed to prison, you can thank your lucky stars that with his seven year sentence, he will go to a minimum security prison where there is little or no violence. Inmates at a minimum security prison are relatively close to their release date, are usually non-violent or non confrontational in nature and post no threat to an offender with sex charges. Conversely, at a medium security prison, where I was at, sex offenders are hated and the other inmates often threaten them or beat them. But your son will be fine where he is going. Anyone can serve time at a minimum security prison.
You said, “If she admitted she did not feel he was a danger to children why heap more coal on him. Why? I don't understand the purpose.”
You will never understand judges and you will never understand the criminal justice system as they often do not make a lot of sense.
You said, “I feel so isolated and alone.”
Well, you are no longer alone. The people on these boards are compassionate and they care about you and your family. Nobody is judgmental as we have all been down this road. I have been through the system, worked in the law library as a law clerk, and now do advocacy and support for both inmates and sex offenders, and I still don’t understand why the law is how it is. I do understand most of it, but the system has become so politicized that it cannot easily be changed. When any system is so highly entwined with politics, much of it will not make common sense.
You asked, “So's are treated worse than any other.”
They are treated poorly because of the ignorance of the masses. The media has poisoned the public’s mind by running a story where a child has been abducted and sexually assaulted every hour for weeks. As a result, the general public believes that this happens often, which it does not. But it instills a great amount of fear in the public’s mind, which in turn makes them hate sex offenders. And some people just love to hate someone whether it is blacks, gays, immigrants, women, or whatever. Some people just need someone to hate and sex offenders are an easy group to become the target of their venom.
Sex crimes, especially those against children, are crimes in which the public cannot relate to. Many people can understand a person killing another person in an armed robbery or in the heat of a domestic dispute, but nobody can relate to a three year old child being raped by a 40 year old man. That is just too much to ask of a public which has lost its ability to think critically or use common sense.
You said, “They deserve a second chance too. When they are released they enter a different type of forever prison on the outside.”
Of course, everyone deserves a second chance. He will get his second chance at some point. Yes, it will be more difficult for him since he will have to deal with probation or the registry, but I have lots of registrants as friends who are doing reasonably well after prison or while on the registry. We can worry about this later, but there are ways to mitigate the effects of the registry.
I also think these lifetime probation sentences will be overturned in the courts someday, but I don’t know when.
There has been major Supreme Court decisions in Oklahoma with the Starkey case and in Ohio with the Williams case, in which parts of the registry were ruled punitive, which is favorable for us. I was removed from the registry because of the Starkey decision. A couple of months ago, the Sixth Circuit in the United States Court of Appeals---a federal court----dealt a severe blow to the sex offender registry in Michigan.
The Packingham case in North Caroline which prevented sex offenders from visiting social sites on the internet was argued before the U S Supreme Court and I am sure it will be struck down. So all over, the sex offender registry and some of its Draconian rules are under attack. Most of these reforms are done on a state by state basis, but I am fairly confident that many of the regulations of the sex offender registries will be struck down as unconstitutional within the next 10 years. So while things look bleak now, they will get better from a legal standpoint. All is not hopeless; in fact, I have a lot of hope that the climate for sex offenders will get much better in the coming years.
You said, “Its already happening. Im really grieving the loss now and the loss of life he'll never have again.”
Oh, but he will have his life again. I know many guys from prison and other sex offenders who have construction companies, work in landscaping, are welders, are truck drivers, work in the air conditioning and heating field, and other jobs. Being a sex offender registrant forces a registrant to have to think outside the box to get a decent job, but the work is out there is he is a hard worker and not afraid to get his hands dirty. Trust me on this.
One guy I was in prison with is now making almost $30 an hour welding and another guy is making even more working with heavy road equipment----caterpillars, etc. The welder took a vo-tech welding program in prison, btw.
Those jobs are not glamorous, but they pay well and they will support a guy’s family.
Your son has a lot brighter future with more potential than you think. It is just that your mind is clouded and confused somewhat now because of all the negative emotions and you cannot think of anything but the worst scenario. No situation is as bad as it seems and most of our fears will never come to pass. Remember that.
You said, “I've lost close family already.”
If that is the case, and I am sure it is since it happens often, then they were not “family.” They were only people playing like a family. A true family digs in when the going gets rough. In my work, I have often seen a young lady---or anyone---struggle when their son, husband, or loved one goes to prison. The family disowns them. At a time when the woman needs her family the most, they desert her. At a time when they should be placing their arms around her, they push her away. In this situation, the problem is not YOU, but your FAMILY. If I had a child in prison or with a sex charge, and my family did not want me around, I get them out of my life.
Lastly, I want to remind you that there are over 830,000 sex offenders in this country and the great majority of them are making it in life. There is no reason your son cannot do the same.
Keep loving your son unconditionally. The mothers and those who support an inmate or offender are the true angels on this earth.
Keep in touch with this group. We love you.
God bless you and your son,
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PS I was in the medical profession, so I would advise you to seek the help of a health professional if you feel this situation is consuming you. Most family physicians will prescribe you a mild antidepressant to cope and a mind anti-anxiety agent to help you rest at night. The newer SSRI antidepressants are very effective with few side effects. Many are on Wal Mart’s four dollar list in that you can get a thirty days supply for four bucks. Sometimes we ALL have situations that overwhelm us and we need help to get us over the hump.
I read the story which I accessed from the link. The released offender in the story had absolutely no support or family to help him at all when he was released. Without any support whatsoever, any inmate released after 22 years would have problems.
I am assuming that when you son is released from his seven year sentence that you will still be there supporting him and he will have a place to stay until he finds other accommodations.
You said, “The system seems to want them to fail. They deserve a second chance but, the registry prevents that and keeps them in a forever prison.”
I have to respectfully disagree. The registry does not keep released sex offenders in a forever prison. I don’t know where you are getting your information, but it is not correct. The majority of sex offenders upon release do find housing and eventually a job. The sex offender registry is not a “forever prison” unless the offender allows it to be. I know what I am talking about here.
Also this guy was in Wisconsin, which is a state not known to be friendly to sex offenders. I don’t know what state you live in, but unless it is Florida or the Deep South, it cannot be as bad as Wisconsin.
I think you are getting some bad information. If you ask most released offenders, they will admit that it is rough at times, but they are making it relatively well. The only ones I have known to completely fail are those that have drug or alcohol problems or are too lazy to work.
Try to relax. Your son’s experience will not likely be anything like the man’s in the story.
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abrokenmom- Thank you for your kind reply. Respectyourselfandothers - I can relate to what your feeling . Some days I still wonder how I'll carry on , prayer is the key as it connects you to God.
The question posed to me was, “Can a sex offender ever acclimate himself back into society.” Here was my answer------
“He does that by being the best quality human being possible-----holding a job, following all the rules, being a nice and decent person and above all, not reoffending.
He needs to learn how to be respected by other people. He needs to smile at people. No loud talking, yelling, or boisterous behavior. Many people out here are older, conservative folks and they are turned off by bad behavior.
It would not hurt to hold a door open at Wal Mart for a lady who has her hands full and a couple of kids. Several times while shopping, I saw a woman on the parking lot with a flat tire; I changed it for her. Yes, I got dirty, but she sure was grateful. I am no longer on the registry, but I help people every day. It is just who I am and he can do the same.
He needs to walk with his head held high without looking angry all the time and giving others menacing looks. It is very difficult for people to continue to treat another person badly if they continue to act like a decent human being; it is sort of like the “kill them with kindness” theory, but he must be earnest in his feelings. People judge on what they see.
His appearance is important also. When he goes out, he needs to make sure his hair is combed, any facial hair tended to, and he needs to look clean. Leave the raggedy jeans with holes in them home, along with the T-shirt two sizes too small which allows his belly to show. No, he does not have to wear a suit and tie, but I always wear a clean pair of jeans, a clean nice-looking pull over shirt, and some nice tennis shoes. He needs to look like a good person and not an ex-felon. His clothing does not have to be fancy, but his clothes need to fit properly and be clean.
You may think, “REW has flipped out. Well, no, a registrant----and especially a sex offender with a felony conviction----needs to pull out all the stops and leave no stone unturned to get on with his life in a positive manner.
If he is released from prison and starts acting look a fool, he will be treated as not only a fool, but a criminal. He needs to show people that the label placed on him is wrong----and he can only do that by his actions.
If he does these things, I can guarantee you that his reputation as the neighborhood sex offender will slowly change to that of a guy who just made a stupid mistake.
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