Families of SOs Community Group
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I don't even know where to begin... this past week has torn my world apart and everyday is another wave of different emotions. My boyfriend was arrested last week for violating his parole. He had images on a computer of a lot of teen girls, they were not naked or anything but his PO found them after he had already came to arrest him for failing his recent polygraph test. From the start of our relationship my bf told me about his past offenses which were only indecent exposures charges. He masturbated in public but he has never actually hurt a child/teen. It was my understanding that this was in the past and that he was going to therapy and working through his issues so I agreed to give the relationship a chance. Now, here we are 8 months in and I love the man and all of these terrible things are happening. First him being arrested and now finding out that he's been lying to me and doing things he should not be. I asked him if he had done anything wrong and he said no and then today his PO called me and informed me of everything they found on the computer and some things he admitted to in the poly and I don't know what to think. This predator that his PO is making him out to be is not the man I know and love. I thought everything was good and that being with me was helping him but now I don't know. Part of me is angry at him for lying but also sad for him because obviously he has a serious problem that he needs help with and I want to help him but don't know how. I feel so lost because I have never had to deal with anything like this. Jail visits and POs are all new to me and I don't know if he really wants help or how to help him. Its hard to deal with something like this because there's no one I could possibly explain this to and they would not judge him or me. I know they would tell me to leave him but even if we were not together I could never just stop caring about his well being. My question to any and all of you that read this is how do you do it? How do you stay and support someone with this kind of problem? Is there hope for him and for a normal relationship? or will it always be an issue that arises every now and then and this would be my life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's a good man but obviously he needs help. I don't know how to help him but I know I want to at least try as long as he can be totally honest with me and just come clean about everything and anything. He's going to be in jail for 2 months and assuming I decide to stay with him he is facing all kinds of issues coming out. He's going to lose his job most likely and that is not going to help his situation at all. I love him but I do not know if the life I am signing up for with him has much hope in the future. Right now things are looking pretty bleak and I am sure there are no 100% cured success stories but is there a way of managing this and really getting rehabilitated?? It shames me to say but a part of me is feeling really insecure right now. He says he loves me and I believe him but I feel if that was true then how could I not be enough for him.. why would he have the need to look at these young girls and fantasize. Can he really be in love and attracted to me when he's still having this urges? It hurts to feel like everything I do for him and am is not enough and now its making me question our whole relationship and if I am just some cover for the problems he's having or an experiment.. is this normal to feel this way? I apologize for the long post but if anyone can give some advice on this it would be greatly appreciated.
Yes, there is hope. I saw that you are in your early 30's, so I assume your BF is closed to your age.
Looking at teen girls-----as long as they are not terribly young, such as early teens----is not necessarily abnormal AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT NEGATIVELY AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Men like physical beauty. Men's sexuality is much different than women's. Men are more likely to be stimulated with visual images and thoughts----the purely physical feature----while women, being more practical, usually look at love as a deeper emotional experience.
This is the reason Playboy magazines were a leading seller for years and is also the reason the legal porn is a billion dollar industry----men like to look at beautiful women.
A lot of men are horndogs and they will stare at anything in a skirt.
So I don't personally think your guy is abnormal as long as the teens are not very young.
But in his position, on probation, he cannot be doing that.
I am not sure you should be particularly mad at him for looking at the pictures because he finds them attractive, but you should be furious at him for having the pictures while on probation and then lying to you about it.
The lying and breaking the probation rules are the real issue here, not looking at some image of a naked teen. And in this case, the teens he was looking at were not even naked, but non-nude.
Unless the teens were very young, I am not sure he needs any "rehabilitation" for looking at the images, as I think that is not abnormal.
I am a guy, so I am speaking from a guy's standpoint.
You will have some people telling you what a pervert he is, but don't listen to them. His biggest crime was having them in the first place since he is on probation and not being honest with you.
You and he need to work on the trust issues.
I am a guy, but I am pragmatic and realistic. It will be interesting to see what the ladies views here are.
rewdiazepam
First of all, it sounds like this PO is just looking for something to nail your boyfriend on. Unfortunately, it is most likely his job to do that.
Two, the system as we know it today is mostly concerned with punishment. If your boyfriend has attraction to minors, that is something that will not go away but needs to be managed. Counseling is not enough. It is only part of the picture. People with minor attraction can have wonderful lives, but must stay away from certain things, much as an alcoholic must stay away from alcohol. Peer support is the most powerful tool. If you want to know more about that, private message me.
Three, you are not responsible for his behavior...period. You can love and support him, but you cannot change him...no matter how much you love him. If you try to do that, you will only hurt yourself. So, just like they show you on the airplane. You take the oxygen mask down and breathe first, then you can share it. That is being someone who gives support. Not someone who gives themself away. What are you doing for you? Are you getting counseling/support during this?
No doubt, this is unfair, horrible, scary...all of these things. I have been there. I know what it is like. You walk each day, one step at time. With each thing you do, ask yourself, "Does this make me feel stronger or weaker?" Breathe, check in with your feelings. Many times you will not know. But when you do, always go for what makes you feel stronger. You will make it through.
Please come back, ck. We care.
As Rew stated, this is merely a way for the PO to violate him, and will make things sound worse than it actually is. Let me ask you a question, if he didn't have the SO label and saw those pics of teens would that have bothered you? It wouldn't have been illegal for him to have them (again, it's just a parole violation).
There is hope, but he has to learn to trust you and be honest about everything. If he lies, then that is the bigger issue here.
Even if he was not on probation, if they caused you concern, you and he would need to have a long heart to heart talk.
The lying and not being honest with your are definite red flags and troublesome.
Remember you are 50% of this relationship and your views and opinions count and are valid. Your feelings count just as much as his. You have to feel comfortable and important in the relationship or it just will not be a healthy one.
Any enduring and worthwhile relationship must have two things to prosper and be meaningful-----1) trust and 2) respect. It sounds as if the trust has been shattered and that is the issue you two need to work on.
rewdiazepam
As for the images, his PO makes them sound very creepy. He seems to think that he's been getting these pictures of these high school girls from their Facebook because they are just selfies mostly. Which he is trying to tell me that he thinks my bf has been friending these girls by pretending to be someone else and that's how he is getting these because these are not just random girls but some of the same girls over and over and here in California he says. Now, I don't know if he's telling the truth or trying to scare me but IF true that's the part that worries me. I know all men have their own things and some like looking at girls who look real young like the school girl fantasy so that is not my issue with them. However if he is actually friending these girls and talking to them as someone else and doing who knows what that is what I worry about. I am suppose to meet with his PO today and he is going to show me these pictures as well as his grandmother that he lives with. Defiantly not looking forward to that. When my bf first told me about his issues none of this ever came up. It was my understanding that masturbating in public was his issue and so this is more than what I expected. I am hoping if he is just really honest with me that we could try and work through this together. But is this something that can be managed and how? Again, thank you so much for the feedback! I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions this past week and no one to talk to.
Now that is the legal issue - now the personal one. Perhaps he has some kind of issue but that is something you will need to work out for yourself in your relationship. Personally I do not think that a person addicted to porn would be satisfied with fully clothed pictures - I do not know the purpose of the collection but it does not seem to fit the bill of sexual to me. I see that it was morally wrong to lie to you but did he? Find out - what the PO is calling collecting may not have been - there could be many scenarios. Make your own judgements - in my experience it is sometimes the cops and POs that have the dirty minds and see weird things where none exist. Also how did the PO find these pics?
For example. I did a little exercise in my sociology class yesterday. I had one group of students play act they they were parents and children playing at a park. I took a male student and female student out of the class and gave them the instruction that they had both been jogging and see the benches in the park as a resting place. I instructed them to sit on separate benches and sit and watch the children play and smile at them. I had told the families to react the way they normally would if they were in that situation and watch the two newcomers to the park - after a few minutes I had the families report their impressions of the new comers. Almost across the board they said they thought it was "weird" for the man to sit there and watch the children play and smile but not one mentioned feeling strange about the woman. Of course a discussion was started about why they automatically thought it was strange for the man to sit alone on the park. I use it as an opportunity to discuss the fear factor that grips our nation - the facts about sex offenders and hopefully send away people that have the truth in their heads instead of the lies our country and media tells us. The moral is : Not everything is as it seems!!!
You also need to do a little research into the terms of your BFs parole/probation. I imagine it forbids contact with folks under 18 but does it expressively forbid legal photos? Remember this is not about his moral quilt (that is between the 2 of you) - this is about legal quilt. You should call the PO and tell him you have changed your mind and do not want to talk to him - you do not have to and neither does the grandmother - I have a feeling that the only reason she would go is for damage control. As soon as your BF gets a lawyer that is who you can and should talk to! Tell the lawyer the crap the PO is doing.