Westy,

It is obvious that he has not accepted the fact that your daughter has moved on. And of course, you are placed in quite a dilemma as you are caught in the middle.

As you mentioned, he also knows that you are the only link to your daughter, so he hangs on hoping things will change and they can be together some day.

The last thing an inmate ever wants is to feel that everyone out here has abandoned him and that he will be forgotten. He desperately wants to feel as if his life counts and as if his life means something to someone besides himself. I imagine that in some odd way, he is feels he is continuing his relationship with your daughter through you.

Have you ever suggested that he write your daughter and ask her these things? I am sure she would not write back, but that should tell him that she is no longer interested. When she does not write back and he understands why, then it more or less takes you out of this equation.

The last thing I would tell him right now is that your daughter has moved on and there is no hope of them ever reconciling. Hope is the last thing that leaves an inmates mind. If you take that last hope from him, he could very well go into a depression. He does not need that as he is in prison where hope is a rare commodity.

If he does not want to write her, then I would just keep telling him that you just don't know the answers to all his questions. Again, I would not tell him that she is no longer interested at this time, as that is not something he needs to hear right now.

You don't have to lie, but just never give him any information about who she is seeing.

A lot of people may not agree with me on this. Many would say, "He has to know the truth." Well, yes he does, but he also has to find it out for himself. He is also in a prison environment where hope is very important to even survive.

At some point he will understand, but he is too new to prison to throw some bad news on him at the present time.

rewdiazepam

If your daughter is unwilling to do it, perhaps you should. He's in there thinking about her constantly. There's not much else to do but think where he is. But then that's just what I would do. It's ultimately up to you.

That is a horrible predicament - I wish I knew the correct answer that would help but REWs advice seems very good. it still really leaves you in the middle though. I do think that being being in prison must be a horrible place to be when you are going through something like this because you really cannot contact the outside World.

I forgot to add that i encourage him. I told him a story of my 94 yr old grandma. She married twice in her life. Where is she now? She is shacked up with a 92yr old man she has known for 70 years. They both went through marriages and deaths but ultimately found each other 70 years later. I tell him if it was meant to be it will. I tell him she will probably marry and have children before he gets out of prison. But then dont ever give up hope. So maybe....no i am....encouraging his dream of getting back with my daughter.

And Nak....i did tell him my daughter moved on when i visited him back in June. I was mad i had to be the one to tell him. But he deserved the truth. I told my daughter i was going to tell him when i visited him. Then she gets mad at me. Then i say take care of your business then! I told her i aint carrying her bucket of shit. This is a man who has adored her and treated her awesome. Yeah he messed up.

So yes i am probably contributing to the problem here. I guess i need to just stay out of it. Continue what i am doing and encourage these two to take care of their own business. I will tell him that i dont want to talk about her. If he has questions he can ask her. I will be honest with him and tell him i am uncomfortable talking about her. I know he will understand.

You are not doing anyone any favors by giving him false hope. It takes two to tango. If your daughter has a new Tango partner, then that's that. Letting him think he still has a chance for 10 years can be very devastating upon his released when finds out that it never was.

But is it false hope Sam? It may be. But then again if it keeps him alive and gives him a light at the end of the tunnel?

I think about fate. I think about not disrupting what is meant to be. I think life has a purpose. I like to see the silver lining in life. Maybe I am wrong here. I do not want to give him false hope. Wow! What a concept.

I definately appreciate all of your thoughts. And i encourage all of you to think and feel beyond the norm. This is who we are. We all come from different backgrounds. And i appreciate all your thoughts.

What i did is write him a letter and express my discomfort. I will let you know his response when i get it.

If you really don't want to be caught in the middle, stop writing and stop accepting his calls. If his relationship was with your daughter why is he contacting you anyway except to "stalk" her? You are her mother not his. Whether she writes or "tells" him or not, that's between them.

I think Rew's advice was good. You have already told him the truth of your daughter moving on, but he still wants to hold on to that hope that maybe things will change. I would only caution not to fan the flame too much though...