I don't understand the anger. The anger towards the family the were blind sided by his actions. Left to take the full brunt of the harsh words and criticisms. We have been left here defenseless.

I don't understand how people can judge the whole family for the actions of one person. Fine, hate him if you must. By why me? I don't think there is an answer that will be good enough.

I don't understand the constant curiosity with our home. It's like a side show, freak show. He's not here. Never will be again, as we will move one day. Long before he is released. Then what? Will you track us down like blood hounds?

I don't understand how I'm supposed to just pick up where my life left off. Even if it's not true for all those still in my life, I still second guess almost everything. From what to do or say, to who I can really trust. How safe am I, really.

I realize no one can answer my questions with any degree of certainty. I realize that the closest I'll get is to hearing from you all that have gone through similar experiences and take what I can from them, and try to push forward. (And please know I'm here you all too, if I can be of any comfort)

In the past 6 months I have had a brother ripped from my life, relationships of all kinds end, I've resorted to seeing a social worker to help with fear and the enormity of it all, I've had melt downs at work, joined a church to help me make sense of all of this, and more. So much.

In the beginning I didn't know how I was supposed to go about my business. Just leaving the house had me in sheer panic mode. Now I do a lot better, but more cautious than I ever thought I would need to be.

Since his plea hearing Monday, and the news spreading fast of his guilty plea....it's not the same as square one, but sometimes it feels that way. I don't know why. I wonder if when he is sentenced, I feel better. Safer. More normal. I don't know. I know is slowly coming to terms with all he did, and how it being perceived. He didn't understand how bad it was until he realized he had a problem. And then...what else do you do when your completely ashamed and embarrassed and just want help. You get caught, purposefully. He doesn't understand why he's going away for so long, or why he is being punished so severely. It's so hard to explain. He's getting nervous about the reality of prison life. People talk and swap stories. I'm sure he is nervous, and down right scared. I wish I could do something. Take it all away...or at least lessen the charges...make it so they are state....I don't know. Just something.

But this, all of this.... it just weighs on you. Every day, all the time. You can forget about it for a while. Get lost in a TV show/movie, work, errands...but then the thoughts creep in. Different things, but yet the same. This hell is like no other.