I'm so sorry for you and what you're going through. I was the one molested and the shame and hurt it caused me from people calling me a liar was hard to deal with. People are just so callous and cruel. They can't see past themselves to notice that you're human too, with feelings just like them, and you're "YOU" and not responsible for the actions of others.

When SOs do these things, they don't take into account how many people they're hurting and all the different ways they hurt them. You're left suffering and dealing with something you had nothing to do with and it isn't fair. None of it is fair. I hope the person/people he molested is being taken care of and not being treated like it was their fault. There is so much shame and fear that comes from being molested.

I wish there was something I could say to take away your suffering and pain. I hate to see others suffer, especially when you did absolutely nothing to cause it.

Thank you so much for your kind words, ShelsFreeNow. His was an online crime. I know that the authorities are looking in to tracking down anyone he may have "pursued", but mainly to get ages any girls he talked to. It's sad that even LE don't care what happened, just how old are they and how much more time can we give the guy.

It has bothered me for sometime how innocent children and families are left dealing with the aftermath of the media and the repercussions of someone else's actions. It starts before the registry and only gets worse once they are on the registry.

People make mistakes. People have compulsions, addictions, and so on. In our case, he needs help possibly a little of both or more/less. He wants to know why he made the choices he did. He wants to know how to stop it in the future. I applaud him for being a real man that has come forward and admitted his wrong doing and is accepting the punishment, no matter how harsh. And no, he may not fully comprehend what he did and how bad this all really is...I think it still speaks of the character of the person when they take on the responsibility of their actions and own up to it.

However he has a mind set of everything will be fine. But, we all know better. All we can do is show him love and mercy.

I've always hated child molesters. I feel like they ruined my childhood and most of my adult life. There was a total of 8 that molested me, 4 were family members. There was every other abuse too so there was no love in my life as a child. Maybe I wouldn't have been so full of hate if there'd been any love.

Anyway, my inability to see them as anything but monsters is what led me to reading these these posts on the SO groups. I don't want to be filled with hate for anyone bc I know we are all human no matter how horrible we behave and I can't heal fully until I can see every person as a person.

I do have an awesome ability to empathize with people though. I also despise bullying, no matter what the circumstance and I don't agree with how SO's or anyone else is mistreated while incarcerated. I think it's ridiculous the way the prison system is run. It's like a big gang. There is no rehabilitation.

I also think SO's ought to have a place to turn to for help BEFORE they offend so some children might not suffer like I did.

I understand that we can't always help what we think but as long as we don't act on it when it would hurt another person, I respect that. I feel for your brother. I think SO's are a lot like addicts in that they only think of themselves. They must, or they couldn't hurt children the way they do but he's in for a rude awakening and I hate to think of him being mistreated by others. Anyone who sexually abuses a child deserves to be punished but I just don't like bullying.

My dad was a closet racist and a monster. I hated that man more than I hated anything. He was so sick and evil and he singled me out bc I was a fighter. I'm so glad that I can't hate indiscriminately like he did bc it is a learned behavior. But I think that kind of hate is a form of self-hate, and I had plenty of that. I was my own worst enemy, especially as I got older.

Now, I'm trying not to be a victim anymore. I'm almost 50 and all 4 family members are dead. I want to heal and learn compassion for those that represent the pain and shame I endured. It's not easy. It's hard to read a lot of things on here but I feel I must in order to see everyone's POV, bc everyone's POV matters and I know I'll learn from them.

Anyway, I just said all of that to say that a lot of people are this way but I get really pissed when people bully and mistreat others, especially people like you who had absolutely nothing to do with your brother's crime. They either can't or won't open their heart and see things for what they are. I can't be that way.

I hope you don't have too many problems with them but I'm sure you already have. I'm just really sorry you're suffering too. I hope I didn't in any way sound like I was judging you, or anyone else or their family on here. I'm not. I'm just expressing myself and hoping to learn from everyone. Take care.

I'm sorry for what you have gone through SheIsFree, but glad you have came here to help with your healing. I know my daughter found healing when her dad admitted to the abuse and didn't call her a liar. I know I couldn't have forgiven him if he couldn't admit to the abuse. I hate what he did, but I hate the system more for not helping to stop or prevent sexual abuse. He couldn't seek help to stop the abuse, and tried to stop on his own, but wasn't able to stop.

Frgvnss, I wish I knew why people treat the families the way they do. The families didn't commit the crime, and they are the ones who are the most needed to help ensure the offender doesn't reoffend.

Yes, there's a lot that's familiar here. My husband's crimes were also online, and yes, in many respects I've received more abuse than he has! I'm viewed as irresponsible at best because I'm still in a relationship with him & allowing him to see the kids & be their dad. I'm naive, stupid, reckless, deluded, and even an apologist for child abuse. Some people hate what they don't understand...

Thank you ShelsFree for sharing your story. I was in a couple situations as a young teen that could have been considered rape, more than the other. I have had friends that we abused, some sexually, by immediate family members as well. I do not take the act against children lightly. Which makes this whole situation even more difficult to deal with. Knowing the environment my brother grew up in, the people he was exposed to, and just knowing his childhood, I can't understand what drove him to this. And that people want to retaliate on the existing family is just inexcusable.

I can look at those who wronged me and find a level of anger, mistrust, hatred, but also, I can look at it as we were young. I can forgive, but never forget. It's unfortunate that we have groups out there that are supposed to care and support victims, when in fact they don't allow the victim to become a survivor. There are such issues not just within the legal system, but also in our support systems. It takes a strong person to ask and find help. The unfortunate thing is victims are revictimized every time they have to tell the story or relive those memories. Media abuses the victims and makes it that much harder to come through and tell their stories, all while trying to push forward and remain strong.

ThoughtAsWeak, and PhoenixMumm, we are remaining as strong as we can. We know he needs help. He's asked for help. He doesn't want to do this again. And people will never see that or believe it. And yes, people judge far too harshly on things they do not understand. We are fortunately to have some friends, neighbors, and family that are sticking by us. They are able to separate us from him, and they all do not hate him either. They, like us, know he needs help. Serving 15-30 years is a bitter pill to swallow. But part of me wonders where he might be safer. Which is the more terrifying thing, given the options.

So very true PhoenixMumm, people see me as weak because I didn't leave him. They don't understand how our daughter could still love him and think I'm the one who is forcing it. What they don't know is that I would be weak if I left, as going through this has been the hardest thing I have ever endured. I have helped my daughter in her healing and never forced her to do anything. She took steps as she felt comfortable. The victim industry only used her, they really didn't listen to what she wanted, they just used her to get their agenda. I was the only advocate pushing for what SHE wanted. I'm so proud of the young woman she has become. She is a strong young lady, one I am proud to call my daughter.

ThoughtAsWeak and Frfvnss, Thank you for understanding. I guess I should've said, I hate what CMs do, I don't hate the person. I'm a very compassionate person. It's just the thought of children being hurt in a sexual way that bothers me more than I can express.
I know my strong feelings come from more than just the sexual abuse that I endured. I was raised by extremely abusive mentally ill parents. We were dirt poor rednecks, homeless a lot. I never had a Christmas or Birthday. We were treated worse than animals so there was so much anger inside me towards the people that bore me. My dad was sadistic and bc he couldn't control my mind the way he controlled my body, he did things to me that he didn't do to my siblings. I fought him. I didn't like what he did to me and wouldn't submit. It was a painful childhood.
So all my life when I heard of a child being abused, I automatically envisioned them enduring what I did, living situation and all. I imagined them never having known love or having any sort of protector. I know now that that's not true but I still can barely conceive it any other way. I think the song "Unforgiven" by Metallica pretty much described me for a long time.
I just want to get past this narrow minded way that I think. I've allowed my abuse to dictate my life and thought process for so long and I want be free of it. I don't even know if this is the right place to say such things but I don't know where else to go. I've never opened up like this, and I read about this stuff that's affected me all my life from the 'other side's' perspective and hope that I can glean some insight into this world and see something other than what I went through and what I think I know.

If there's anyone on here willing to talk to me, I welcome it. I'm not a hateful person. I'm extremely empathetic and caring. I have been all of my life and that's why I need to face these feelings and deal with them. I'm also very, very protective of anyone I feel is in danger. Friend or stranger, it doesn't matter, I don't like to see people hurt and suffering. Anyway, I'll shut up now. If anyone can help me, I'd really appreciate it.

SheIsFree, we all are willing to help you anyway you can. I can only give you what helped my daughter heal from her abuse, and what I have done to heal from the betrayal I felt when I found out.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Thoughtasweak. It would have been a much easier ride for me if I'd just condemned my husband & left him. We could have stayed where we were & I'd be surrounded by 'friends'. But I'm told I'm weak for staying with him? Erm...

I just want to say that I don't think less of any of you for your choices. EVERYONE deserves to be loved and treated with kindness. You ladies (men?) are very strong to stand by the person who offended, and be able to see them as more than their crime. I know my strong opinions are from the prolonged, constant, and various abuses I suffered, not just the sexual abuse. I never had love or protection and I had to be tough and try and protect myself from the very beginning of my existence. That constant warring of emotions took a toll. I'm a very compassionate person. I could never be cruel to anyone. Not a CM either. I am a protector.

I just want to be able to look at the world and not think that that's all there is to it. I sound like I think the whole world is against me, and I used to think it was but, as the years went on and people didn't hurt me the way my family did, I grew to understand that not everyone was a monster. I have such an awesome capacity to love and feel for others and I feel like a hypocrite for singling out this one group of people and projecting my hurt and anger towards them. I know it comes from the utter pain, fear, and especially the humiliation of what was done to me. I can't even write this without crying.
I know that only the people that hurt me, hurt me. Not every other CM. I also know that I've done many bad things in my life that I wish I could take back. I used to constantly dwell on what a horrible person I was. I just learned to stop doing that. I don't want to dwell on all this negative shit anymore. I don't want to constantly think of all the children lying in their beds at night dreading when that door will be opened. And I know not all children are abused like I was. I just picture it that way. I also picture them being as messed up emotionally as I was/am. I hope like hell they're not. I don't want to die this way. I want to be free of this. I'm free of almost everything else that's held me back from being the happy person I've always wanted to be. I just don't know how to break 'this' chain. @ThoughtOfAsWeak, Thank you. @Frgvnss, Sorry, I kinda took over your thread. didn't really mean to do that.

I sincerely hope I don't make anyone feel bad about their choices. I would never want to do that. It takes great strength to do what you do and I have a lot of respect for you. I don't walk in your shoes and I don't know what you face every day. I wish all of you the very best, and I mean that.

SheIsFreeNow:

I am a victim myself.

I think you are very courageous for coming here and looking for a way to heal.

It took me a long time to separate what happened to me and what people actually are (if that makes sense.) Growing up I wasn't able to be a normal kid. I knew too much and I was afraid of everyone. I still have trust issues and massive amounts of anxiety. Its hard to describe but it feels like my brain is so hardwired to think a certain way and I try to fight it all the time.

What really helped me, which many find strange is I unknowingly befriended a guy I worked with who was an RSO. He told me when we started hanging out more because I saw his probation officer when I visited his house. A couple years later my best friend was falsely charged and convicted of child pornography. I found out through a round about way because he didn't want to tell me (he knew what I had gone through.) It was heartbreaking to hear the panic and sadness in his voice while telling me what had happened. I am a victim of CP, so finding out your best friend may be involved in it was hard to take.

Over two years ago I met a man and he told me that he was an RSO and on probation for CP. I still continued the relationship with him, and during that time I have met many RSO's. Most of which admit to their crimes. While it does give me a sinking sick feeling in my stomach to know what they have done, I still find it hard to harbor hate towards them.

Over the last two years I have really gotten to know many of the guys that were in my now exboyfriend's group therapy class (we didn't break up because he was an RSO.) What has happened is, not only have they helped me with my own healing, I have helped them as well. I think because they can see a person and interact with them that has gone through exactly what they have done to someone else and hear and see how it has affected my life. Because it has, a great deal. It gave them a reason to be better as people, to try harder and get to the root of why they did what they did.

I hate their actions, but I do not hate them.

Like you I have a very large capacity for love and empathy. I have a hard time hating anyone.

I hope you find what you are looking for. There is a lot to this world, it is messed up but there is truly a lot of beauty to behold.

I don't think there is anything easy about this whole process. People will judge us regardless of our choices. If we stay, or leave. It doesn't matter to them. Once the act has been committed, people form their opinions about you. Society, media, a lot of factors weigh in on how things are perceived. Sadly, people don't seem capable of forming and sticking by their own opinions. My heart feels there are more understanding people than we know of. But it's such a taboo subject, no one really speaks up. However, my theory is that one day the statistics will be so that we will almost all know or be related to a sex offender. It has to. It almost seems like a daily occurrence in the news that "they caught another one". If people wold just open their eyes. I mean, I think there is something like 880,000 registered SO in the USA. Give that number 5 years, 10 years... I can only see that number doubling, or even tripling It has to. Laws will change. I believe in that.

ShelsFreeNow... No worries about the thread. I'm glad you feel comfortable opening up here. There are so many stages of healing that happens here. We learn from eachother and I think that is the only way we can eve move on. Trust me, dgiven what you've been through, I'm just glad you here today and able to translate all that's happen in your life with a fairly positive attitude. Yes, there is probably still some healing to be done, but you sound like you have come a long way.

KnowNot, thank you for sharing. I'm glad your here and able to share your story. I think it helps to give strength, and possible empowers, those who have gone through traumatic events and might just need that one other person to share their story. So glad this site exists.

KnowNot, Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Your first paragraph is familiar.

I don't hate people. I used to but that was bc I hated myself. I wrote in a post "I've always hated child molesters". What I should've said is, I hate all the pain and shame they cause. Before the internet, you never really knew about how they suffer once they get locked up or get put on the registry, or how their families suffer. And when you're full of pain and shame, and anger and hate, you don't care.
I didn't really start trying to see other POVs until my grandpa died in '97. I despised him but I don't think I hated him like I did my dad. My g-pa didn't beat me or verbally abuse me. If not for being a CM and a pervert, he was a pretty good guy. That's why it was such a big deal when I outed him. No one wanted to believe it and the ones that did were too afraid to speak up bc the ones that didn't were important parts of our family.

I'm almost 49 yrs old. I've been dealing with this since I can remember. I'll never understand how an adult can be attracted to a child. I do understand how a CM might not want to spill their guts to any and everybody they meet. Their stories aren't easy to listen to. I couldn't listen to the details but I would like to know why they did it and what keeps them from doing it again. Are they still attracted to children? How do they handle that? Have they apologized to those they've hurt? Children should not be preyed upon, sexually or otherwise.

Frgvnss, It's easier to judge and fault others. It makes us feel better about justifying our own bad behavior. But if we're decent, we can't feel good about it. Too, I think that there are a lot of people that have been abused but never acknowledge it or are too ashamed to tell and, when a target comes into their neighborhood, they have something to take all of their deep rooted feelings out on. They don't care if it hurts you or your innocent family; They're just trying to feel vindicated. It's narrow-mindedness and a double standard but they're not suffering for it, so they don't care. ...It's awful and I hate it for you.

I kind of feel like a cry baby. I've been posting my life story on here. But it does feel good to finally get it out. I've come a very long way. If I could have crawled out of my own skin, I would've left my ass behind a long time ago. Besides, I gotta earn my moniker. ...Sorry, I have a potty mouth.