Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
Let's see if I can condense this down to something manageable.
I have two sons in prison with long sentences for sex offenses, one in Iowa and one in Colorado. My Colorado son's offense was against my neice, my brother's daughter, who was 22 at the time of the incident.
My son pled NOT guilty, went to trial, and lost. He was convicted of felony sex assault. He's down 3 yrs on a 4-yrs-to-life sentence. He's got a public defender working on an appeal for him, but he is fully aware his chances of winning an appeal are very slim.
My son insists my niece lied about the nature of the incident, when she claimed it was rape. They were both very drunk. My son admits there was sexual activity, but insists it was not forceful at all and he had full cooperation from my niece.
My brother, naturally, believes his daughter's story. I, naturally, believe my son. My poor mother hates being in the middle and doesn't know what to believe. She wants everything to be like it was before the nightmare began.
I went to stay with my mother for a few days this week, intending to help her with some issues she was having with another family member. My brother, who often visits my mother, showed up, while I was there.
My brother, mother, and I started out having a lovely conversation, but it quickly turned to the rift in our family caused by this nightmare. My brother seemed incredulous that I was still holding bitterness in my heart against his daughter. He berated me for not forgiving her, using verses from the Bible to remind me that I MUST forgive her or I will go to hell. I felt bludgeoned by the Bible, which I normally love.
My brother and I had a few more words, but then I told him I was not available to discuss this any further. We did not come to any kind of resolution at all. He left shortly after that to go to a dinner engagement with a friend.
My mother just sat there like a stone the entire time my brother was berating me. She was at a loss for words and is a very, very sweet and timid person anyway.
After my brother left, I tried to keep my anger down, gloss over it, and be pleasant. That lasted less than 24 hours and by yesterday afternoon, I blew up at my mother for letting my brother go on and on like he did. She agreed it was not right of him to do that, but she's so sheepish she didn't even try to make him stop.
I really had a meltdown in front of her, even pounding the table for emphasis at one point. I told her I am not able to keep up the façade any longer of being unscathed by all of this. I told her I don’t think anyone in the family really understands how deeply this has affected me.
I left shortly after the blow up, in order to run an errand we had both agreed that I would do. While I was gone, I resorted to taking an anti-anxiety pill, which I haven’t needed for a long time. But, I was so hot-mad at my brother that I was literally shaking. I was finally able to calm down and return to my mother’s house later yesterday evening. I apologized for losing it and for hurting her feelings. We hugged and continued our time together in a cordial, yet strained manner.
This morning, I packed up my things and got ready to leave. However, before leaving, my mother and I sat down at the kitchen table for a bit. I told my mother that I wouldn't be able to visit her any more, without arranging ahead of time that my brother is certain NOT to be there. I explained that my son's lawyer had told me not to discuss the case with my brother and that being in his presence gets us too close to that possibility. My mother is very, very sad that our family has come to this.
I hated driving away from my mother’s house, seeing her standing in the doorway, looking like a deflated ghost. I know we’ll be all right, because we’re a very loving family, but it just hurts right now. A LOT!!!
I have two sons in prison with long sentences for sex offenses, one in Iowa and one in Colorado. My Colorado son's offense was against my neice, my brother's daughter, who was 22 at the time of the incident.
My son pled NOT guilty, went to trial, and lost. He was convicted of felony sex assault. He's down 3 yrs on a 4-yrs-to-life sentence. He's got a public defender working on an appeal for him, but he is fully aware his chances of winning an appeal are very slim.
My son insists my niece lied about the nature of the incident, when she claimed it was rape. They were both very drunk. My son admits there was sexual activity, but insists it was not forceful at all and he had full cooperation from my niece.
My brother, naturally, believes his daughter's story. I, naturally, believe my son. My poor mother hates being in the middle and doesn't know what to believe. She wants everything to be like it was before the nightmare began.
I went to stay with my mother for a few days this week, intending to help her with some issues she was having with another family member. My brother, who often visits my mother, showed up, while I was there.
My brother, mother, and I started out having a lovely conversation, but it quickly turned to the rift in our family caused by this nightmare. My brother seemed incredulous that I was still holding bitterness in my heart against his daughter. He berated me for not forgiving her, using verses from the Bible to remind me that I MUST forgive her or I will go to hell. I felt bludgeoned by the Bible, which I normally love.
My brother and I had a few more words, but then I told him I was not available to discuss this any further. We did not come to any kind of resolution at all. He left shortly after that to go to a dinner engagement with a friend.
My mother just sat there like a stone the entire time my brother was berating me. She was at a loss for words and is a very, very sweet and timid person anyway.
After my brother left, I tried to keep my anger down, gloss over it, and be pleasant. That lasted less than 24 hours and by yesterday afternoon, I blew up at my mother for letting my brother go on and on like he did. She agreed it was not right of him to do that, but she's so sheepish she didn't even try to make him stop.
I really had a meltdown in front of her, even pounding the table for emphasis at one point. I told her I am not able to keep up the façade any longer of being unscathed by all of this. I told her I don’t think anyone in the family really understands how deeply this has affected me.
I left shortly after the blow up, in order to run an errand we had both agreed that I would do. While I was gone, I resorted to taking an anti-anxiety pill, which I haven’t needed for a long time. But, I was so hot-mad at my brother that I was literally shaking. I was finally able to calm down and return to my mother’s house later yesterday evening. I apologized for losing it and for hurting her feelings. We hugged and continued our time together in a cordial, yet strained manner.
This morning, I packed up my things and got ready to leave. However, before leaving, my mother and I sat down at the kitchen table for a bit. I told my mother that I wouldn't be able to visit her any more, without arranging ahead of time that my brother is certain NOT to be there. I explained that my son's lawyer had told me not to discuss the case with my brother and that being in his presence gets us too close to that possibility. My mother is very, very sad that our family has come to this.
I hated driving away from my mother’s house, seeing her standing in the doorway, looking like a deflated ghost. I know we’ll be all right, because we’re a very loving family, but it just hurts right now. A LOT!!!
If you are not ready to forgive, then you are not ready, end of story. As far as your brother sees it, your son was the perpetrator, his daughter the victim, he got what he deserved and that is that. He also expects you to see things in that light as well. Black and white. He does not see how, or even why, this may be hurting you. Many people who consider themselves on the right side of a situation just don’t have what it takes to look at it from any other side or from anyone else’s perspective.
Your mother, God bless her, is stuck in the middle. She is afraid to speak up for fear of alienating either one of her children. She doesn’t want to take sides even if she understands them both. It is so much easier to allow you and your brother to work it out on your own.
For all it’s worth, I feel you did the right thing in telling your mother you are not able to be there when your brother will be present. You both have a right to a peaceful and loving relationship with your mother to have this issue present at every visit, and it would be.
Many years ago we had a family issue come up, and to this day, I have a brother and a niece who will not, and cannot be in the same room together. It happens. It’s not a happy place to be, but perhaps things will work out better for you if you and your brother keep your distance, and both of you can have a close and loving relationship with your mother, just not at the same time.
Don’t fret about the blow up. I am sure your mother understands. She loves you both, and wants you both in her life. I hope some of this helps you. Hugs
Your brother is being a jerk and unreasonable.
You have the right for your son to mean as much to you as his daughter does to him. Both of you have the right to love your children; he should not say or do anything which implies your son should not mean the world to you or that you should no longer love him.
How does he know for sure what went on if they were both dead drunk??? He is one of these angry fathers that jump to conclusions.
You----and your mother----have been placed in an impossible situation, one in which I would not wish on my worst enemy. It is a testament to your courage as a person and the love for your son that you are able to even navigate each day with all this on your shoulders.
I hope someday your family can heal instead of pointing fingers.
rewdiazespam