Families of SOs Community Group
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Just after the 4th of July weekend, my boyfriend's apartment was raided and it was discovered that he had downloaded 10 images (so far) of child pornography. He was arrested and held for a few days without bail, then his bond was set at far lower than anyone expected. He has been out since and has an attorney. He has also started therapy and meetings for sex/porn addiction. My family is in a complete uproar -- I come from a law enforcement family where the default brain setting is guilty until proven innocent -- as are many of my closest friends, especially the ones with children.
I am in therapy myself over this, and it still feels surreal, like a terrible nightmare I can't wake up from. We are still together, but both of us can't help feeling that there is no future here, especially if he will have to register as a sex offender. I often feel like I have no one to talk to about this, and because I am reasonably level-headed, many of his friends and also his parents come to me for advice and support. I am trying to walk a fine line between supporting him and his family, and trying to take care of myself. It's incredibly hard. One of my best friends is very scared that if I continue to associate with him, I may be investigated or lose my job, my place to live (we did not and do not live together), though a lawyer that I spoke to said that was unlikely. I honestly don't know what to do.
His lawyer and his therapist both feel that this is a porn addiction that went off the rails, but it's so terrifying and everyone is afraid of what else the forensics search will show up, as he has admitted to downloading tons and tons and tons -- terabytes, really -- of assorted porn that he never watched or looked at, and therefore has no idea what is even there. When the police questioned him, he admitted he had watched those ten images, and the investigating officer said they could see from his download history that there were very few visits to "flagged" sites or anything that appeared specific to CP.
So that's my story. Any advice or support or words of encouragement are appreciated. Thank you all. This was very hard to write.
I am in therapy myself over this, and it still feels surreal, like a terrible nightmare I can't wake up from. We are still together, but both of us can't help feeling that there is no future here, especially if he will have to register as a sex offender. I often feel like I have no one to talk to about this, and because I am reasonably level-headed, many of his friends and also his parents come to me for advice and support. I am trying to walk a fine line between supporting him and his family, and trying to take care of myself. It's incredibly hard. One of my best friends is very scared that if I continue to associate with him, I may be investigated or lose my job, my place to live (we did not and do not live together), though a lawyer that I spoke to said that was unlikely. I honestly don't know what to do.
His lawyer and his therapist both feel that this is a porn addiction that went off the rails, but it's so terrifying and everyone is afraid of what else the forensics search will show up, as he has admitted to downloading tons and tons and tons -- terabytes, really -- of assorted porn that he never watched or looked at, and therefore has no idea what is even there. When the police questioned him, he admitted he had watched those ten images, and the investigating officer said they could see from his download history that there were very few visits to "flagged" sites or anything that appeared specific to CP.
So that's my story. Any advice or support or words of encouragement are appreciated. Thank you all. This was very hard to write.
Stick with the therapy, both of you. Work your way through it if you want to. I've stood by my husband but many don't. Its ok to change your mind. It hurts but I do promise it gets easier.
The first thing to do is try to relax. Your BF is not a pervert, a sex predator, or a pedophile, so don't allow anyone to label him as such----don't allow others to define him as a person for having a few images of CP on his hard drive.
He most likely had an addiction to porn----which is easy to do----and downloaded some inappropriate pictures of underage females. While that was not a good thing and against the law, it has to be taken into perspective.
He did not rape anyone, he did not molest a child; hell, he did not even touch anyone. He looked at some naughty pictures and that was the extent of his charges. He wasn't distributing CP and he wasn't manufacturing CP, either.
People who know nothing about the nature of CP or of sex offenses will try to convince you that you BF is a monster just about ready to go off the rails and molest someone, but that is very, very unlikely. Viewing CP only rarely leads to a crime against a child.
While it is true that many child molesters have viewed CP at one time or another, it is wrong to say that all people who view CP are potential child molesters. That is simply not true and there are no verifiable studies that demonstrate this. Viewing CP is not like some kind of magnet that draws people toward committing a sex crime or molesting a child. That is just nonsense.
He realizes he has a problem and that is a wonderful start.
There is absolutely a future for both of you even if he has to register as a sex offender. These situations are certainly bumps in the road, but they are not the end of the world. I can give you many examples of current registrants who served time in prison for sex crimes, did their time, was released and now are on the registry-----and all are doing fine.
Just remember----these situations are difficult, but they are DOABLE. Doable is the operative word here.
I am a guy, so I am probably not as good as support as some of the women who have been in your position. This is an excellent support forum and the people here will treat you with compassion and dignity. There will be no ridiculing or judgment from this forum, as the moderators will not allow it.
Keep your chin up and don't allow anyone to discourage you. You and your guy will do fine if you "take it one day at a time" and stick to one another. There is absolutely no reason in the world that you two cannot have a happy life as many couples in your situation have been able to have.
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I wish there was a way to make my family and friends stop villainizing him, but unfortunately this is the kind of thing that most people has a visceral reaction to -- in the past, I was guilty of it myself. But once you are on the inside, my god. What a difference.
Again, Welcome!
Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask questions or for help as you need it.