I remember when they sent my husbands stuff back in a box. It is hard. Hopefully you can get a chance to visit him sometime. Try joining a group like Women Against the Registry and fight back. They have a hotline number to call if that will help. Sorry it had to happen. We understand.

We do understand ((hugs))

Visiting him would be impossible. I live in Illinois and he is in Kansas - 8 hours each way. And I have dogs, one with special needs that wouldn't survive the trip.

I remember picking up my son's things at the county when they took him and it was awful. I cried thinking this is what he lived with -one set of rough sheets, stained t-shirts and underwear, stained plastic coffee cup, homemade dice they inmates made out of cotton to play games, plastic silverware that I can't imagine anyone eating with, a pen fashioned to use with cardboard wrapped around the ink well (weren't allowed the plastic on the pens). A couple of unused soaps (about the size you get in a hotel). A really crappy half-size toothbrush. Probably other things I don't remember but I anguished over everything I pulled out of that "garbage" bag they had his things in. I think it would of been better had they just thrown everything away and save me the heartache of going through it, after all no one would use the stuff again.

Tomsmother,

Just keep in mind that those things of your son's are just that----just things. They can be replaced. In the grand scheme of life, they are not really that important.

Human beings are very resilient creatures. After all we have evolved on this planet over millions of years. Your son can and will adapt to all this and be fine.

And mother, so will you. People are much, much stronger than they realize. They can usually endure extreme hardships and make it through.

As I always say, in the history of this nation thousands upon thousands of young men and young women have gone to prison with their family waiting on them. In 99% of these cases it all turns out fine. There is absolutely no reason you and your son cannot do this just as those 99% have.

Just remember, that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel and your son WILL be home someday.

He will be fine.

Just take one day at a time.

rewdiazepam

Thank you - I just can't stop crying. His shirt, shoes, socks, half toothbrush, all my letters to him, that's all I have of him for four years. A box full of things.......

I recently got the box of my sons stuff. It had the suit, dress shirt and tie he wore in court.... the dress shoes I helped him shine to look nice in court....and his tube of chapstick they wouldn't let him keep. Still hurts me just talking about it. My sweet, precious son.. :(

In some ways, having a loved one in prison for a sex offense is like a death. Its not like a DUI or some other crime where you get to eventually leave and no one needs to know what you did. Conviction of a sex offense marks that person for life. The normal dreams and plans that you have for your child or your marriage are not just put on hold. They are changed for good.

Grieving is the normal response, however you go through it. It is different for everyone, although, as with a death you go through stages. And those stages are normal.

You are grieving the loss of dreams, the loss of time together, the loss of the life you expected to have. The box of things…well, they are things… but they also represent the loss. Your son is close you can smell him, but he is not there. He is some place far away where you cannot hold him and comfort him and make things better. For a mom, this is true suffering.

This is a tough time, but it is important to feel your feelings. Don't stuff them down. Tears are important for healing, but find someone who can help you through this. I'm glad you are here, tomsmother. We can help and support. One of the worst things about this situation is the need for secrecy.

When someone dies, you can talk about it. You get cards of support. People say, "Sorry for your loss." You are devastated but people come forward to support, help you, bring you food, comfort you. When someone is convicted of a sex offense, the opposite is true for the families. We are ignored, condemned and sometimes even blamed.

Yet, we are going through the same stages of grief: anger, bargaining, lots and lots of tears.

I remember when I got my husband's "box". (It was actually a plastic bag.) I threw it all on a bed and left it there for days. When I finally had the courage to deal with it, I sorted through it and put it away or threw things away as quickly as possible. I just wanted everything that reminded me of the whole mess out of my sight. I got rid of perfectly good furniture because it was, to me, the "crime scene." It was where it happened. I felt that giving that furniture to a needy family would "purify" it.

Perhaps that is what you need to do. Hold his clothes, smell his clothes, cry over his clothes and let the tears wash them clean. Most importantly, feel your love for him. Your sweet, precious son. And, like Rew said, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to go through the darkness to get to it. And it is OK. You will be fine. He will be fine. Although so much is changed, time will heal it. And as you walk each step closer to the light, you will know this is true.

Peace to you and thank you for sharing with us.

Wow,,,you guys...all powerful stuff!!..and so true....for myself (the Dad) one of the roughest times I had was when we went to Federal Court in Augusta, GA for my sons first appearance before the Judge and subsequently, for his sentencing.

The court he was going to be in was on the second floor. My wife and I walked up the staircase, and sat on a bench outside of the courtroom doors, waiting for the proceedings to start. The judge finally came out, as did the prosecuting attorneys, and finally my son's PD. We were still outside on the bench. Suddenly, at the end of the hallway where the elevator was, the elevator doors opened, and two Federally Marshall's each had a grip on each of my son's bicep, being led down the hallway to the Court room doors. Dishelved, and wearing the God forsaken orange jumpsuit, shackled feet and handcuffed wrists to a chain around his thin waist, and a look so forlorned is just impossible to forget!..and when he saw his Mom standing there, I could tell he wished he was dead instead of being there for his Mom to see him like this, her first and only son.
He glanced my way, and immediately looked down as he shuffled up the walkway. I spoke out, and was immediately told to be quiet and NOT talk..yeah..f you Bailiff...I spoke his name again..and he looked up briefly. I motioned with my hand as I pressed it up under my own chin, trying to convey to him to raise your head. Not to be proud of his crime, but to show others that this is not me...I am a human being, not a chained animal. He grasped what I was trying to do, and he did! He raised his head,,,and squared his shoulders...and I breathed a sigh of relief, even though my heart was breaking for him.
Once inside, and the proceedings started, the second punch to the gut was when the court reporter or whoever it was read the complaint..and it starts out with " The United States of America vs. J....."...and my thoughts were...here is a person who had already confessed to his crime, yet the whole POWER AND MIGHT of the USA was putting all of their resources AGAINST him. Here stood a Navy Soldier, one who volunteered his life for his country...and now his country was kicking him in the teeth... my thoughts rambled from how many times had my son stood with hand over heart and recite the Pledge of Allegence, in school, in his Cub & Boy Scout meetings, and in his Naval service...and yet, that very same country wants to treat him like a profound criminal. It was just so sad.
The rest of that day just seems so foggy and remote. Visiting my son in prison, we had spoke of that day, and he had told me that until he saw us, he was doing okay...but when he first saw us, he felt like his knees were going to buckle and collapse. When he finally heard my voice, and saw me motion to keep his head up, he felt the love & compassion from us, and knew that no matter what, we would stand with him and weather this storm.
Well, he has now been in like a little over four yrs, with 8 more and some change to go.
I would like to tell everyone who is just starting out on this journey, that yes...it WILL get better!!..Right now, at this moment, you probably don't even have the strength to go on...but you will...and each and every step forward, and every day that passes, is a day closer to your loved one coming home.
My son has adapted well, and has gotten closer to His God. He attends ( and teaches) Bible studies daily, and encourages others with scripture. He is thoughtful, kind, funny and intelligent...all qualities he had always had...Please believe me!!! It will get better....feel free to vent, cry and be angry if need be here.
All of us have gone through some sort of all of this,, and there is light at the end....u just gotta grit your teeth, redouble your grip on that frayed rope of hope...and hang on,baby!! And take a look around you....there are some folks in front of you, leading the way, and there are many,many behind you, looking for your strength to help THEM. We are all on this ungrateful journey, but we will prevail!!!
Sorry for the length..sometimes I just get carried away with all of this....thx for reading...

Peek & jmjh, I loved everything you both wrote from receiving the "box" to watching our sons being chained and brought in the courthouse. Nothing is worse for a parent I think to see other to see them in a coffin I guess. And then I would think now they are at peace, something they won't be for the rest of their lives with the SO label. My son wrote me a letter for Mother's Day telling me this is not something any of us wanted or envisioned in our lives but it happened and now we have to deal with it. He said he is stronger than he ever thought he could be and he will survive this and something good will come out of it - he will make sure!

Amen, friends. It is such a journey.

Reading this makes me so glad that I am not close enough to see him or go to the trial. I don't think I could bear it.

My heart goes out to you.

I'm so glad I found this group. It helps so much to know others are going through the same thing. Thanks especially to Rew, Peek and the others who shared their stories that let us know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went up to my son's home and got all the boxes of his stuff from his soon-to-be ex-wife, and brought them home, I couldn't even look at them for a long time. It was so depressing to look at them; yes, almost like a death -- but as it was stated, at least he is still here, and I try to think of it as that he is in a safe place where he will hopefully get counseling. I can't even think about how long he might be in (hasn't been sentenced yet) Anyway, out of all the "stuff" of his that I have, I took a box of his medals from his army service and it sits on my desk as a reminder of what a good guy he is.

tomsmother, I understand how you feel. I have actually gotten to grieve for my son twice, 3 years ago at age 34 he wound up in the hospital when his lung collapsed. That's when he was diagnosed with marfans syndrome and emphysema. The marfans is slowly destroying his lung tissue. The doctor said "I hope you weren't planning on a long life". There is also the risk of his aorta rupturing without warning, or developing aneurisms. The second time was when he was sentenced for CP. I have seen him in the orange jumpsuit, with the hands and ankles shackled. I got to pack up all his belongings (he moved in with us when he got sick) and store them away. He is currently in Ohio waiting to be transferred to Montana to face charges there. So far he has 10 years in (started serving that sentence a month ago), plus 10 years supervised. I will be a miracle if he does not die in prison, or while under supervision. I don't even know if I will get to visit him, depends on where they send him. There are no facilities near me that I am aware of. Just remember you are not alone, we will get through this.

@Reggie1961, I agree, this place has been a lifesaver. I felt very alone until I found this group, and Rew has been unbelievably helpful, as has Coolrich, and everyone. My son got 10 years in NY, but is looking at a possible 15 from charges in Montana. I am glad you have his medals to remind you that he is a good person.
My son is also a good person, something in his brain short circuited. That's the only explanation I can come up with.