I'm so sorry to read about another mother going through something very much like what I've experienced. I know that these feel like the darkest, most frightening moments in your life. I'm further along in the process than you are - my son is about halfway through with a 12 year sentence. All I can tell you from experience is that, while it is never easy, it becomes bearable with time. At first all the horrible "what ifs" can haunt you, but once sentencing is done (if he is sentenced) you will be looking towards the future...thinking about visits, thinking about what you can do to help him in the present and in the future. I hope it helps to know that you aren't the only one. If you have faith - now is a good time time to lean on it. Just know that you're at the absolute bleakest part of this, and that gradually it will become more manageable for you and for your son. You'll even be able to find moments of happiness again, although it's hard to believe right now. Thinking of you today!

I agree with davidsoma -- it's not easy but it does become bearable. I was so depressed at first and, even though it's still hard, there are days when I can actually laugh at something. Faith helps too. I keep telling myself "Let go and let God." And it helps to know there are others in the same situation.

davidsoma -- does that mean you are an Oma too? (I am an Oma)

thinking of you Tomsmother. I'm going through a similar situation. My son is 31 and was arrested. It has been a long 7 months. Praying for you

Reggie - No....I'm not an Oma...but I'm the mother of two adopted Korean daughters (grownups now) and they used to call me "Oma" ("mother" in Korean) when they were little. (My son David is not adopted, though.) Thanks for asking!

I wish I could tell what so many others have told you that it improves..Like you I'm doing this for the first time and every turn we take on this feels like we are slipping further and further into a horrible nightmare. I completely feel you on that that crippling sense of helplessness that us as mom's are never meant to feel. Its torture I wish I could promise you tomorrow will be better, but I can't.. I can only offer condolences and a promise that your in my thoughts tonight, that because we share the bond of motherhood regardless of yours an adult and mines twelve.. I don't think that love we feel for them diminishes with time.. I promise I'll check in on your post tomorrow in hopes that we defy our restless bodies and spirits and rest tonight...

RH

"How does a mother cope?"

I wish I could say "well" but I did badly. I still have moments of anger where I need to detach myself from those around me and crawl off to a quiet place.

Like you, I had many fears about my son's safety that terrified me. Most have not materialized, but I do realise that my son (so far) has been one of the lucky ones.

I've been told that his strong family support and a good attorney were key in the sentencing. And the combination continues to be a strength now that he's out. His first PO tried to mess with him and our attorney came down hard. The judge agreed with our attorney. His new PO acts like a protective mother to him (I kid you not).

If I had to do it over again I would have gotten on anti-depressants right away, I wouldn't have saturated my life with all things SO (forums, websites, and articles), and I would have read more books from the beginning (living in a different world via books helped me tremendously).

Once the sentencing is over with, your fears will calm noticeably. You'll still cry but not as often. And as crazy as it sounds you will get used to this "new norm".

Good luck. It's an awful thing to happen to any mother but it's not the end of the world. At this stage, it just feels like it. Life can and will get better but only if you let it.

tomsmother, I'm sorry for the events and the situation in your life. You ask how does a mother cope? I'll leave most of the healing to others here, but all the healing and kind words will never change what's happening. A person needs to get fed up and angry, and then to channel that anger, use it constructively. You're in Illinois, I see. RSOL has an state affiliate in Illinois, IL Voices. They can support you, and give you a voice to CHANGE the laws that are affecting your son and you and your family.

The laws will keep on as they are, with more bad ones being passed, until we say 'No More!'. Organizations exist out there, ready to challenge the laws and lawmakers, but money and resources are needed, desperately. Won't you stand up, and be empowered to take control of your situation, and help in the fight. There are so many ways to help, but just by donating a small amount of money, can make a huge impact. Look at the Resources for Information, educate yourself, find something or someone you're comfortable working with, and fight back!!

I'll leave this for you, to help you get started.

Illinois – Illinois Voices

Website: http://www.ilvoices.com/
Address: P.O. Box 4016 Fairview Heights, IL 62208
Primary contact: Will – info@ilvoices.com
Secondary Contact: Renate – GVR123@aol.com

Good luck,

Dave in the Philippines

Tomsmother...many of us can feel your pain, me included. My son is 30 and has been incarcerated now for two years. Like yours never in trouble before. Does it get easier - yes. But I wake up to the new life we now have every day and still struggle with that. My younger son was the one that had the gun pointed to his head as they woke him up that morning, knowing all along he wasn't the one they came for and told him that. They are terrible people the FBI and never should get away with what they can do to a family. I have absolutely no respect for them after the way they barged in the house...it's all a "power" thing with them. I still continue every day to be there for my son. Please continue to support yours - he needs it! Write him, send him money for commissary if you can, send him books, etc. Come to this site and get support when you need it. We all know how you feel and yes - you can say on here you still love your son and will stand by him and we understand it! You can private message me anytime you want. I still come here for support even if I only read other posts, I know I am not alone in this.

Debbie

How many sons were in their 30's? That age keeps cropping up.

Thank you all so much. I am on medication but that does not seem to help much. I still wake up shaking. He will be sentenced on the 22nd to four years. Since he's eight hours away one way my chances of seeing him are slim. Thanks for all the prayers. If I don't stop shaking and crying here at work I hope they don't judge me. On top of that I have to declare bankruptcy - I'm 62 years old, worked all my life, have no chance of retirement and my son has been taken from me. How can that be? I have been asking the Lord and all my relatives on the other side for comfort - but that doesn't help when you come home to an empty house.....wondering what will happen to my youngest son. You are all so brave! I admire you so much.

Also, I know about the police holding a gun to your head. They knocked twice at my door then broke it down. I was in my skivvies and I got put down to the ground with a gun to my head and a boot on my foot. They weren't even sure who they were looking for, they kept asking about my OTHER son. When they finally let me up we got it straight that my son they were looking for moved out three weeks earlier. Then they proceeded to TRASH my house looking for my son. I'm only 5 foot and 92 pounds, Talk about traumatic! If they had just given me three seconds I could have answered the door - they wouldn't even let me put clothes on. That's the thought that keeps going over and over in my head. Who's going to fix my door? I called the police and told them the situation and told me too bad, so sad. This is going to kill me - luckily my son's public defender in Kansas gave me suicide hotline numbers. I know better, I can't let my mother bury me or my son in jail never have the chance to see me again. But all I can see is black, black, black........I'm so lonely and alone.....

HELP...I'm a mother of a 28 yr old son who on 03/28/14 got accused by 2 of my grand-daughters of molesting/fondling them. They deny any more than this but it's enough to completely and swiftly tear my world apart. They are 7 and 9 years old and describe in vivid detail what he did to them. I'm an incest survivor myself and do not doubt for a second that the girls are telling the truth. They had their forensic interview this past Wednesday. I, nor any of our family, have spoken to my son; the police advised us not to. Words cannot describe how I feel. The tears are non-stop. How does a mother cope? I've lost my son. I don't see how this will ever get "fixed". help help help... :-(

Praying for you Rita0622. My son was arrested also. I too am a abuse survivor. Why did they tell you not to talk to your son?

If I had a son named Tom (the name tomsmother) I would sware I wrote the message from you! My son also did online viewing. Never been in trouble, is now 31, decorated Iraq war veteran, very quiet and kind, but super funny. Cops knocked on our door (did not hold a gun to my head) and son was asleep so they went and got him up. That is how I learned my son was in trouble! I remember screaming and ending up laying on the floor! He ended up with 10 counts of pandering obscenities involving sexually oriented materials involving a minor. Long story short he is serving 3 yrs. Its like I woke up in hell! Up until his court date I cried all the time, hired the fancy attorney, researched, then found this website. My son will be labeled a registered sex offender for 25 yrs after his release. That is the worst! It is unreal to go see my son and see him sitting there with inmate on his name badge. I am waiting to wake up!

Rita, I understand it's difficult when you love the abuser and the victim(s). Life will change, but things will work out.
I have supported both victim and abuser. Some want to support both, but unable to, due to other family members preventing that from happening. Whatever your case, we can help you through this difficult time.