Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello everyone,
first off I would like to say how wonderful I think this support group is; I managed to stumble upon it while trying to "google" an answer to my problem.
I met my boyfriend almost 6 months ago on Okcupid, we talked for a week then went on our first date, during which he decided to divulge his past to me.
My boyfriend is 21 and was convicted for sexually abusing his younger sisters. He actually started it when he was 12, and it was promptly stopped and handled by his parents. His parents moved him outside to the RV they had and it was locked at night. After it was stopped he began to date normally and have fairly normal relationships with girls in high school, which in his case means he wasn't interested in anything long term with any of the girls he dated. When he was 17 he ended up in a relationship with a freshman, who happened to be friends with his youngest sister. When he broke it off with the freshman she decided to claim he raped her to everyone she knew, trying to hurt him in any way she could. His sister heard about it and decided to talk to her about what he had done when they were younger, thus resulting in the scorned freshman telling her parents. The cops were called, he was arrested, charged for injury to a child or elderly person due to the fact that he was still a minor. He was in prison until he was 20.
After telling me all of this I decided to look at it from a psychological standpoint since I seem to have a rather accurate grasp on criminal psychology. He was sheltered as a child with a controlling father, and he believed that almost everything was evil and children shouldn't know about it, especially when it came to sex. He says he doesn't really know where he got his idea about sex from when he was younger, and he doesn't blame his parents, he goes by what he learned in therapy in prison and knows he is the one responsible for all he did.
He regrets deeply ever hurting his sisters and family. When we do get on the subject of his past he bursts into tears. His family does still love him however, and he is such a kind and smart person who wears his heart on his sleeve.
But here is my problem, we are coming up on our 6 month anniversary. He is stuck in a horrible living situation at a horrible below minimum wage job, he can't afford a car, he can barely afford to feed himself after rent, all because of his felony charge, but we can't really fix that. What we can fix however is his living situation, it's the last part of his life that he wants to move past and make better for himself. He is looking for a job around my family's home, a warehouse job that will most likely pay well, but he wants to get a car and move in with me and my parents while I'm finishing up my degree. My family does not know of his past and I am very scared of how they will take it. They have already met him and he has spent the whole holiday season here with us at our house, and they already think he is a nice and sweet guy and they approve, but I'm afraid once we tell them of his past they will change their opinion of him and pretty much explode, bad mouthing him and me in the process. I am completely unsure of what their response will be, and it scares me.
This is the man I am very much hoping to spend my life with, he is my best friend and the most amazing person in the world to me. All I want is to be happy with him, I do not necessarily need my parents approval since I am an adult but it would still be nice for them to not want to kill the person I am with. I would really appreciate some helpful advice if anyone has been in this situation before.
first off I would like to say how wonderful I think this support group is; I managed to stumble upon it while trying to "google" an answer to my problem.
I met my boyfriend almost 6 months ago on Okcupid, we talked for a week then went on our first date, during which he decided to divulge his past to me.
My boyfriend is 21 and was convicted for sexually abusing his younger sisters. He actually started it when he was 12, and it was promptly stopped and handled by his parents. His parents moved him outside to the RV they had and it was locked at night. After it was stopped he began to date normally and have fairly normal relationships with girls in high school, which in his case means he wasn't interested in anything long term with any of the girls he dated. When he was 17 he ended up in a relationship with a freshman, who happened to be friends with his youngest sister. When he broke it off with the freshman she decided to claim he raped her to everyone she knew, trying to hurt him in any way she could. His sister heard about it and decided to talk to her about what he had done when they were younger, thus resulting in the scorned freshman telling her parents. The cops were called, he was arrested, charged for injury to a child or elderly person due to the fact that he was still a minor. He was in prison until he was 20.
After telling me all of this I decided to look at it from a psychological standpoint since I seem to have a rather accurate grasp on criminal psychology. He was sheltered as a child with a controlling father, and he believed that almost everything was evil and children shouldn't know about it, especially when it came to sex. He says he doesn't really know where he got his idea about sex from when he was younger, and he doesn't blame his parents, he goes by what he learned in therapy in prison and knows he is the one responsible for all he did.
He regrets deeply ever hurting his sisters and family. When we do get on the subject of his past he bursts into tears. His family does still love him however, and he is such a kind and smart person who wears his heart on his sleeve.
But here is my problem, we are coming up on our 6 month anniversary. He is stuck in a horrible living situation at a horrible below minimum wage job, he can't afford a car, he can barely afford to feed himself after rent, all because of his felony charge, but we can't really fix that. What we can fix however is his living situation, it's the last part of his life that he wants to move past and make better for himself. He is looking for a job around my family's home, a warehouse job that will most likely pay well, but he wants to get a car and move in with me and my parents while I'm finishing up my degree. My family does not know of his past and I am very scared of how they will take it. They have already met him and he has spent the whole holiday season here with us at our house, and they already think he is a nice and sweet guy and they approve, but I'm afraid once we tell them of his past they will change their opinion of him and pretty much explode, bad mouthing him and me in the process. I am completely unsure of what their response will be, and it scares me.
This is the man I am very much hoping to spend my life with, he is my best friend and the most amazing person in the world to me. All I want is to be happy with him, I do not necessarily need my parents approval since I am an adult but it would still be nice for them to not want to kill the person I am with. I would really appreciate some helpful advice if anyone has been in this situation before.
They finally decided to just keep their mouths shut.
You ultimately have to decide what you want, regardless of their reaction. Have a plan B if he isn't allowed to move in with all of you.
Good luck!
We'll come up with a plan B in the mean time if they decide to not support my decision about him.
Thank you for the advice :)
I believe you should tell them the entire truth, but do it by yourself, not with your boyfriend around. Give them time to think this through and let them give you their honest reactions. Be respectful, because they have sacrificed so much for you and wanted the best for you all your life. Don't minimize the part they have played and still play in your life.
Also, I would encourage you to do your research about the statistics on reoffending by convicted SOs, so you can offer academic research that supports your decision to trust your boyfriend. Keep it academic and avoid emotion. Be prepared for a strong reaction, but reassure them that you value their feelings.
The more you can project an air of calm, confidence in your decision to trust your boyfriend, the more it will help your parents to trust your judgement.
When you tell your parents, sit them down together and break the news. You will have to tell them sometime, of course. There is really no easy or magic way to do this, so sit them down and tell them you need to talk to them.
Just tell them, BUT emphasize a few things------------
1) he was only 17 when the false allegation of rape occurred. People at 17 are physically mature but their minds are immature and they do things that are just plain stupid at times. Yes, at one time he abused his sisters, but he was very young himself. True he had a freshman girlfriend, but remind them that even in their generation---and certainly in their parents' generation---it was not uncommon for a older teen to have a relationship with a younger teen. Remind them that some famous people that many admired such as Elvis Presley had a girlfriend much younger and if Elvis lived today and was messing around with Priscilla when she was 14---as he did then----he could be arrested and charged. There are other instances of older guys from a past generation who are admired, had a relationship with a much younger female.
2) emphasize to them that it was a FALSE allegation. There is no other way to do this. Hell, it is not his fault that a young lady falsely accused him. In my situation, my lady friend got each group of family members---her parents', her sisters, her brother----and just told them that she had become "special friends" with REW and that he was not guilty. The fact that you respect them enough to sit them down and talk to them---and be honest about it----goes a long way. If they respect you, then they should respect your judgment.
I would then appeal to them as a matter of fair play. Tell them that yes, he served a few years in prison on a FALSE allegation, BUT that it should not be held against him that the young lady accused him and it is only FAIR that he be given a chance to get on with his life. Tell them that he has paid his debt, gone through hell in prison, and is only asking for a SECOND chance-----everyone deserves a second chance.
I would further explain to them that they have already met him, approved of him, and think he is a nice guy; that you love him and are only asking that they give him the ONE chance in life that we ALL deserve.
They have seen for themselves that he is a good person and they have approved. Tell them to PLEASE not judge him on his past when he was just a child himself or when a false allegation was made against him. That would just not be fair. He is a good worker and he is just trying to get a start in life.
Hopefully this will not only appeal to your parent's common sense, but also to their hearts and they will accept him.
The other poster have great ideas---as usual. But remember, total honesty and appeal to their hearts and for a sense of fair play.
Let us know how this goes.
rewdiazepam
If you are not, and they find out there is something you did not tell them, human nature will kick in and they will wonder what else you are not telling them. That would get their relationship with the man you love off on the wrong foot and make it much more difficult for everyone.
Sometimes a good defense is a good offense. It is better for them to hear any of the tawdry details---many of which are probably not true----from you and not from someone else. Parents don't like these kind of "surprises" coming from strangers.
Welcome to the board, and I wish you and your new guy the best of luck.
rewdiazepam
I don't see anyone talking about the sex offender registry here (unless I missed it). If your boyfriend moves in with your family, won't he have to register there? If I were your parent, I would not be furious about his background, except that you were willing to put your family's wellbeing at risk by having your parents' address on the registry.
You have a lot to think about. If you stay with this man, you stay with his legal problems, which is fine if you are willing to accept that. Don't assume your parents want that responsibility by having him move in.
Here's my story if it helps.......
I met my wife online back in August of 2000 I was 40yrs old she was 21yrsold. AT THIS TIME I WAS NOT ON THE REGISTRY but I told her the whole sex offense. She met "my" victims in 2001 and we all got along fine. We lived together from the moment we met. I was basically the same age as her parents. We lived next door to her parents that was her grandmothers house, and about two years later we moved out of state. In 2003 we welcomed a baby girl in our life. we lived in harmony bliss until 2008, when AWA/SORNA took effect. (We married in 2005) My wife KNEW everything about me and even knew the victims. We NEVER voiced or confided into anyone in her family about my past, as far as she and I was concerned it was MY PAST! In 2009 we moved and I was late notifying the SOR officer, he arrested me and charged me with Violation. It was at this time her parents found out and from that day (10 years together) I lost everything. She lied and told her parents she had NO KNOWLEDGE, even though the SOR officer HAS to make home visits and speak with all members of the household. Her parents FORCED her to take out a restraining order against me and said that I WAS a threat to OUR (now 6yr old) daughter. Because the court was a "good ole boys" type they favored her and took everything away from me. I was released from jail and went to court for Divorce/Support the (new judge) awarded me visitation and divorced etc.. (Thanks to my SOR officer who testified FOR ME) as a matter of fact, he was gonna charge my wife with sex offender harrassment because he knew she was lying, but I knew if she went to jail my daughter would end up with gandparents and I would never see her again. After two years (2011) I was arrested again (Grandparents called police saying I kidnapped and was under a restraining order) and did three days in jail, when the crimminal judge saw that I was NOT under restraining order and that I had visitation, DISMISSED all charges against me. Because of this I was evicted (Forced) and ended up on the street. With NO place to have visitations with my daughter I had to forego visitation until I was able to restart them. in 2013 I went to restart my visitation (My now ex was REMARRIED with two other children) I find out that my ex gave up our daughter to HER parents and they moved out of state, and the other state said that until my daughter is 18 or I am off the (Lifetime) registry I CANNOT have any contact.
So, make sure you know what your gonna do, before you do!
I can tell you i wouldnt allow it. Not because of his SO status but because i would not support someone besides my own children in my house. I understand its not easy in this world to survive on your own. And when i say children i mean 18 and younger. I have raised my children to be independant. I told them i will not pay for their college. And if they need a place to stay i will charge them rent.
So i am not sure how your parents feel. You know them better than anyone else. So you have to ask yourself would they allow it if he was not a SO? If yes...then as a SO? You are the better judge.
If it were me i would not rush into anything. This reminds me of a quote "poor planning on your part doesnt constitute an emergency on my part".
Dont want to sound negative just being devils advocate.
Like i said from the beginning you have alot going on. Please dont hesitate to be here and ask opinions or for help. We are on your side and the SO's side.
I would personally rather not tell them on my own, it would probably look like I'm making up excuses by not letting him actually tell his story himself.
I am 21 and I am almost finished getting my BS, but due to the massive amount of loans I have taken out and the amount of time school takes from me I have no way to keep a stable job and support myself, so yes I do rely on my parents support. However I would never ever ask them to support someone else completely free, which is why we wouldn't even approach the subject of moving in with my family until he had a stable enough job and a reliable mode of transportation.
My parents have never treated me like a child, they have always taught me how to act like an adult, be responsible for myself, and gave me the ability to make my own decisions, and made sure that I knew I would have to live with any consequences of my actions. I have found over the years comparing my parents to those of my friends that mine appear to have a rather unique outlook on everything.
My parents actually met each other around my age and moved in together quickly, both had left their families behind due to complicated issues. Once my mothers mom cleaned herself up my parents moved in with her to help her out, paying her rent while my mom worked to get through nursing school, dad quit school to help support mom. If my boyfriend did not have his past my parents would most likely allow him to stay if he payed rent and bought his own necessities, honestly they love him already. They offer food for me to bring to cook him, they offer our old stuff like cook ware and dishes we no longer use, dad even offered to help him get a car and helps him figure out all the problems that come with renting a duplex. My father sees himself in him, I'm fairly sure that's why he likes him so much, he sees a young man that can't rely on his family, that is just barley scrapping by and working as hard as he can.
And here I go again, I seem to get all flustered about big problems, but once I actually have people to talk to and ask questions I seem to talk out my own answer. I plan to be completely honest with my family about this, and I plan to have him there to answer questions so I'm not seen as making excuses for him. He thinks he is a better person for what he went through, learning what he did was wrong and going through his therapy and rehabilitation, and he has honestly moved on and wants to make his life better, to prove that he is not a monster nor is he a lazy good for nothing ex con. Besides the lingering felon title he has on his record he lives a normal life as a normal person, he just has a very small income.
I'm very glad that I got so much advice on the subject, and I know with my young age I'll get quite a few "he's just a boyfriend"s. To me, with what I have learned about him and how much we have grown together, how much he has been there for me, and I for him, I think this is the one that will go the distance. Even if he can't move in with my family I at least still plan on sharing my life with him anyway I can before I have my own stable living situation.
Your idea of having him with you to tell your parents i think is a good idea. Like you said if they have questions they can be answered by him.
I hope it goes well. I was a little worried when my parents met my daughters boyfriend for the first time. It was like they knew him forever. We had a great time all together. Unfortunately he is gone now to prison for ten years.
I wish you luck in your quest and let us know how it went.