He’s a child. Children do know right from wrong but sometimes don’t think of the consequences of their actions. I don’t know your story but I do have a daughter who is 12 and I will support the hell out of her no matter what. You aren’t raising a monster mama, you know that. People make mistakes especially 13 year olds. Think about when you were 13. Would you want to be judged for the rest of your life for a mistake you made when you were 13 especially by your parents?
I know that you probably have a hard time looking at your son in the same way you once did, but he is still your little boy.
I am sure your world is turned upside down. I get it completely, you will always be your sons mother and you will heal from this. You will have a new normal and life will work out.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes our life is upside down. Figuring out how to navigate and going forward is tough.

I'm sorry you are going through this your son is not a monster he is your son who has made some bad choices my son also made some bad choices but he is a adult. I am here if you want to talk send me a message I would love to help you through this it may also help me heal its not easy not at all.

I talk to a LOT of mothers in my support work helping sex offenders and their families. BTW, I am a guy.

One of the first things mothers almost ALWAYS ask me is this: What did I do wrong to cause this, or is there something I didn’t do that I should have to make my son commit a sex crime? In other words, most mothers feel as if the manner in which they raised their son might have contributed to him offending.

The answer is “no” you did nothing wrong when raising your son to make him commit a sex offense. In my experience, mothers of offenders have done their very best to raise their children even under some very harsh conditions.

You said, “As a mom you are supposed to protect your child from all the scary and hurtful things in life. Make it better when they are hurting or having a tough day.”

As I said, mothers are “fixers” and when they see a situation they don’t understand, they begin to wonder if they did something wrong when raising their child. Many mothers cannot fathom their son committing a sex crime, and they certainly have no idea why it happened, so they blame themselves.

How do I know you did your very best to raise your son without me even talking to you or knowing anything about you? You took the time to create an account on this Families of Sex Offenders board to help with this problem; you were concerned enough about your son’s situation to reach out for help. You knew you were going to have to talk about a very unsavory subject----your son committing a sex crime. You also had no assurance that you would not be ridiculed and looked down at b/c of your son. Of course, nobody did that, but you did not know that at the time. You had the courage to reach out to a bunch of strangers about a delicate incident which involved your son. A mother who does not give a damn about her children would never do these things, but you did.

The answer is “no” you did nothing wrong when raising your son to make him commit a sex offense. It is far too simplistic to say that someone committed a sex crime b/c of the influence of someone else.

Your son is NOT---NOT---NOT---NOT a monster. I was in a medium security prison for many years and I saw monsters; your son is not in that category.

You have to remember that all of us----you, me, your son, etc.---are flawed human beings and flawed human beings make mistakes in judgment. Your son may be mixed up or confused, but trust me, he is not a monster, so please do not place him in that category.

When I was in prison, we did not have many channels to watch on TV. But every Saturday I watched a program called “Mysteries of the Bible” which was on A&E. On morning a Jewish Rabbi was discussing judgment and he said something so true and something I will never forget. He said, “There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that it is foolish for human beings to judge each other.” In my experience, I try to stick to the belief that there are no bad people, only bad behaviors.

Why did your son commit this crime? Trust me, mom, you will never find the answer to that question. You can wrack your brain, throw around all your theories in your mind, and try to find an answer----but you will never know why he committed this crime. And guess what? If you asked him why he did this, he does not know either. Over the years I have talked to hundreds upon hundreds of sex offenders and none of them understand why they offended; your son is no different. Perhaps we are not supposed to ever know “why.” Maybe some things happen and it is best we do not know why. There are things in life we will never understand; I call those situations the “Mystery of the Ages.”

From my time in prison and two decades of working with offenders and their families, I can assure you that most sex offenders are not evil human beings. Yes, there are serial molesters or those that rape women by force, but the great majority of sex offenders are not evil. Some are broken human beings, and all of them need “fixing” with therapy, but they are neither monsters or evil human beings.

What I do know is that you need to separate your son from his actions. He is probably the same person you dressed for his first day at school and the little guy who sat on your lap. The only difference is that he used poor judgment to commit a crime.

Right now your son needs you as he has never needed anyone in his life. He is probably ashamed himself, doubtful of his future, and the last thing he needs is for him to think his own family no longer cares for him. Your son right now is scared half to death and confused about his future. Most of his fair weather “friends” will abandon him, so please, stand by his side.

He is your son, your own flesh and blood. Right now, you would be better served to not try to figure out WHY he did this, but to look forward to make it easier for him. Trust me, he is suffering and he will pay dearly for this crime.

You asked, “How do I continue to be his mom, raise him, teach him, protect him and love him?”

You just continue to give him the unconditional love you have always had for him. This mistake does not make him a monster, as he is still your son and he will always be your son. Yes, you can be mad as hell at him and disappointed that he chose to commit a crime, but that does not change the fact that he is your son and trust me, HE NEEDS YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MORE THAN EVER BEFORE.

How do you, as a mother, continue? First, you understand that your son is not a monster. Then, you love him as you always have. You take one day at a time, as the road you are about to travel is a dark and winding path, so there is no need to worry about something that may never happen a few years down the road.

But guess what? While these situations are difficult, they are also DOABLE. Most of the mothers/wives/sons/husbands I have helped over the years who are in your situation are doing fairly well, so there is no reason that you cannot do the same.

If there is one word I want you to hold close to your heart it is “DOABLE.” You CAN do this, trust me.

If you find that this situation is beginning to consume you or your life, you need to find a therapist to help you understand your feelings and bring them to the forefront so you can deal with them. You may also need to go to your family doctor and have him put you on a mild antidepressant to help you cope. The newer antidepressants are from the SSRI family and they are effective with few side effects. About 80 to 90% of the mothers I help are taking antidepressants and they have helped them tremendously. You are under tremendous stress right now, and I don’t want you to have a mental meltdown, as you will be no good to your son if you get too down and out.

Mom, you WILL get through this, I promise. Yes, it will be difficult at times, but just take one day at a time and keep your faith.

If you ever need me or if your son goes to prison and has problems b/c of his charges, do not hesitate to message me.

God bless you and your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers daily.

rewdiazepam

I’m in a similar situation but my son is a bit older. Although it started when he was 12 or so. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as his mother. It was his cousins that he did this too. It’s so hard knowing he did what he did to them and going about with my family as if nothing ever happened. I am having a hard time choosing him or my family when it comes to family events. I’m struggling. I just reached out for therapy today. I definitely need it. I feel hopeless and scared for the future.

Rewdiazepam your post is so helpful.. exactly what I need to hear. I need someone like you to talk to!

Powerful words of love and encouragement... thank you! My love and prayers.

Oh Mominpieces, I know where you are and I was there too. My son was also 14 when he offended, 15 when his case went to court and he was sentenced.
His sister, my daughter, is who he hurt. I know where you are. I was so utterly and completely broken. I asked myself all of the same how and why questions. I blamed myself, I looked for reasons. I almost wished it would come out that he’d been molested himself (as awful as that sounds), just so there’d be an explanation that others might be sympathetic to, but he wasn’t. I blamed his phone and myself for giving it to him. I blamed the porn industry and myself for not realizing he was so into porn. I doubted myself as a mother. I became so depressed I felt unqualified to continue being a teacher. How could I possibly teach other people’s children, when I’d raised my own so horribly, I thought.
And there were days, hard hard days, when it hurt to look at him. I was an involved parent in both of my childrens’ therapy and it was so hard sometimes to be the main supporting parent to each of them. On days that I had to listen to my baby girl describe the details and how it made her feel, I would fight back the urge to vommit and then yes, it was very hard to have compassion for him feeling overwhelmed by the consequences he faced, when she was in the most intense stages of her trauma therapy and hurting.
I never hated my son, but I absolutely hated what he did.

Your son may be broken inside somewhere, but he is no monster. Do you know a boy’s brain isn’t fully developed until close to age 24. The part of their brain that regulates impulse control is especially undeveloped at this age. Also- He does need you more than anyone right now. I don’t know your son’s story but I’m here if you ever want to talk.

You also need to take care of yourself. I lived in a fog of just existing for about a year. I faked some joy for my other children, but most days it was a struggle for me to go through the motions of self care.

It does get better. It never gets easy, but it gets better and you CAN do this!

(((Hugs)))

I also LOVE everything that rewdiazepam said above and whole heartedly agree!

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am going through the same thing. I would love to have someone to talk to. If you would like please message me

You all are so sweet. I hate that we are all going through this but it feels a bit better not going alone.

Worriedmama78 were you able to find some type of the? Did insurance help you find and or pay? I need it but not sure where to start.

LillyB, living in fog is 100% how I feel. Not sure how to process still. Court soon so at least we will know what we have to navigate with that piece. Sort of a small comfort I think. Knowing what the "outcome" for him will be and not living in the unknown.

Thank you, rewdiazepam , for the words i needed so badly to hear...

HI
MY FIANCEE IS A S.O.
HE MOLESTED HIS NIECE NEPHEW AND 2 SISTERS WHEN HE WAS 15 YEARS OLD. HES NOT A MONSTER ALTHOUGH HIS ACTIONS ARE HORRIFIC. AND NEITHER IS YOUR SON,
YOUR SON NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER.

This is so helpful. I wish I had found it sooner. Since pretty much day one of finding out my son had abused my daughter I looked online to see if I could connect with others who have been through that kind of thing. After about 6 months I found a board on here for parents of sexually abused children--but no one has come there more than once or twice who was the parent of the offender as well as the victim. I eventually joined the "families of prisoners" board to find people who somewhat understood that side of things. Today I saw a link on that group to this one...and this thread seems to connect with several others in a similar situation. It's now been 9 months since I found out. Dang I wish I'd found you guys sooner. Is this board somewhat active? I see that this thread goes back several months, to the time I was really wrestling with the same questions. "Did I raise a monster?" is one of the first quesitons I asked. Right now my thinking is that even the best of kids will do the wrong thing if put in a tempting situation, with a brain that's too immature to handle it. It's partly my fault for putting him in that situation, even though I didn't realize it at the time and I even tried to monitor his computer use and warn him about porn. We all would do bad things if put in the wrong situation--it's hard to believe and hard to face, but quite a few studies on torture, etc, show that it's true. My son has admitted what he did wrong and is doing well in therapy...and in his case, when he wasn't in the tempting situation anymore, he didn't seek out more of it, which is quite reassuring to his therapist.